How to Apologize to Your Boyfriend for Being Jealous

Be clear about what you’re apologizing for.

Being specific will show your boyfriend that you understand where he’s coming from. When you’re apologizing, tell your boyfriend what specific things you think you did wrong, and why. A non-specific apology, like “I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you mad” doesn’t show you understand why your boyfriend is mad. Instead, try something like: “I’m sorry that I got angry with you at dinner last night. It wasn’t the time or the place to talk about these things.” “I’m sorry that I went through your phone without your permission. That was an invasion of your space.” “I’m sorry that I didn’t let you see your friends last week. I know they’re important to you, and I’m happy you have them.”

Explain, don’t justify.

Justifying yourself can make an apology feel insincere. Saying something like, “I’m sorry I got mad. You’re just so insensitive and irresponsible that I can’t stop myself,” is a justification that blames your boyfriend. Even if it feels good to say, it won’t help you repair the relationship. Instead, a better apology, one that explains your actions, might look something like: “I’m sorry I called you that. I was angry, and lashing out, but you don’t deserve to be called names.” “I’m sorry I threw away your old photos. I just love you a lot, and it’s hard for me to think about you with another person. But what I did wasn’t right.” “I’m sorry I read your texts. I have a hard time trusting people, because of my last relationship, but I need to work on getting better about this.”

Have a plan to do better in the future.

Telling your boyfriend why this won’t happen again gives him a reason to forgive you. One of the main reasons why your apology might fall on deaf ears is if your boyfriend thinks this situation will repeat itself. You’ll have to show him that that isn’t the case, and that you’re going to take steps to improve your relationship. You might say something like: “I don’t want this issue to get in between us again. That’s why whenever I get these feelings again, I promise to talk to you about them, and not to go behind your back.” “I know this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. Maybe we could come up with a safeword, so that if things get out of hand, and I get angry and go too far, you can let me know that it’s time to cool down?” “It’s not your responsibility to deal with the lack of trust I still struggle with from when I was with my ex. I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist next week, and am hopeful that I can find ways to not repeat this situation when I’m there.”

Tell your boyfriend what you need from him.

An apology can also be the time to express your needs. If you need something from your boyfriend in order to move forward, let him know in a constructive way. Be sure not to shift blame onto him. Instead of saying something like “You don’t seem excited to see me anymore,” try saying “I want to feel wanted by you.” If you have had previous relationships that have left you feeling betrayed and neglected, then you might need more reassurance to feel secure in your current relationship. It is actually important for those needs to be expressed clearly and for your boyfriend to really hear you and reassure you with his emotional presence and comfort. Try something like this: “I know you have a lot of friends, but would you be OK with checking-in on me once in a while during parties?” “We both have a lot going on, but could you try and talk to me just for a little every night, before we go to bed?” “If it’s OK with you, maybe we could have a no phones policy when we have dinner together. It would help me feel like I’m important to you.”

Ask your boyfriend what he needs from you.

Understanding each other’s needs is the key to a healthy relationship. Since you hit this bump in your relationship, now is a good time to ask your boyfriend what things you can do to make the relationship work better. You can show him that you’re committed to working out your issues and to his happiness by asking something like: “Are there things I can do to make you feel more satisfied in our relationship?” “I know this relationship can work, and I want to know if there’s something you need from me for that to happen.” “I want this to be an open conversation, so big-picture: is there something that you need from me? I want you to know you can rely on me.”

Keep your apology short.

Be kind to yourself by not excessively apologizing. Apologize enough to express your regret, but not more than that. Remember that you are allowed to make a mistake. If you find yourself constantly repeating the same things, or tearing yourself down while apologizing, it’s best to move on to something more constructive. You can say something like: “I hope I’ve made it clear to you how much I regret what I said the other night.” “I’ve tried my best to show you how terribly sorry I am for what I did. Now the ball is in your court.” “If it isn’t clear to you how incredibly sorry I am about this, please tell me. But if you can see this, maybe we can talk about how we can move on from here.”

Write a letter.

If you can get across how you feel better in writing, do it. A hand-written letter is especially sincere, but even an e-mail or a long text message lets you pick your words carefully. An effective apology letter might have a structure like this: Opening: “I’m writing this letter to you because I want to apologize for what I said last weekend at dinner. Nobody deserves being called the things I called you, but especially not you, after all the things we’ve been through and all the support you’ve given me.” Explanation: “I think that during my last relationship, I always felt insecure and like I wasn’t good enough, and so I’d end up being left behind sooner or later. I lashed out at you because I was scared, but you didn’t deserve that, and it hurts me to know that I’ve hurt you.” Plan for change: “It’s not your responsibility to deal with my insecurities, it’s mine. I’m going to go talk to a therapist next week to discuss some of my feelings, and I’m doing it because you’re so important to me, and I want for this relationship to work.” Talk about needs: “I know we had a rough night, but I also know that things can get better. Something that I think I need is to be in closer communication with you. Would it be OK if we spent some time every night talking? It doesn’t matter about what. I want you to know that you can tell me if you ever need anything from me.” End the letter: “I’m trying to tell you how sorry I am for what I did, and I hope that comes across. If you can, please forgive me.”

Do your boyfriend a favor.

If words aren’t your thing, try apologizing through actions. Doing something nice for your boyfriend isn’t going to allow you to get to the roots of your relationship’s jealousy issues, but it shows you care. You might try doing something like: Stock his fridge with his favorite foods Pick up a meaningful gift for him from the store If he’s into sports or music, get him a ticket to a game or concert

Take him out to dinner.

Getting out of the house helps clear the air. In a public place, you’re both less likely to let your emotions get out of control. By picking up the bill for dinner, you can show your boyfriend that you care for him, while also giving yourself a chance to talk through your apology together. You can invite him out by saying something like: “I know things have been a little weird between us recently, but can I take you out to dinner at that new restaurant this weekend? I want to talk to you.” “Let’s go to your favorite restaurant tonight. It’s on me, I feel like I owe you something.” “Can we talk for a bit? Maybe we could walk down to the café down the block.”

Take time to check in with your own feelings.

Improve your relationship by accepting that feelings of jealousy are normal. Uncertainty is part of every relationship, but just because you have jealous feelings doesn’t mean you have to act on them. Before you apologize to your boyfriend, you’ll need to come to terms with your own feelings, so take some time to gather yourself after an emotional incident. We all have ideas about what relationships should be like, but ask yourself if you need to reevaluate yours. It might not be fair to expect that your boyfriend has never had feelings for anyone else, or that you should be the only person he focuses on. If you need help sorting through your feelings, don’t be afraid to seek help. Talking to a licensed therapist or counselor can be a great way to feel less alone.

Be patient.

Forgiveness can take time. After you’ve apologized, know that it’s your boyfriend’s choice to forgive you. Making a mistake doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or partner. Let your boyfriend take his time to decide what he wants to do with your apology.