Avoiding Contact with an Ex
Don’t call or text. Use your phone’s settings to help you avoid contact with your ex. For example, you can change your ex’s name in your address book to “DO NOT ANSWER” to remind you what you must do. Some phones or services will also allow you to block a particular number entirely.
Keep any contact short and sweet. If you must talk to your ex, keep the communication brief but friendly. Never flirt, however tempting it may seem. If you start to repeat old arguments or bad patterns, end the conversation immediately: say, “I’m sorry, this conversation isn’t going well. I need to end it.”
Ask teachers, bosses, or coworkers for help in limiting your exposure to your ex. Working together closely in class, being assigned to the same project, or getting put at the same work table could derail your effort to avoid your ex. You may need to ask others at school or work for help to avoid these situations. For example, you might explain to a teacher that you would prefer not to do a group project with your ex. Or, you could ask your guidance counselor for help in arranging your schedule so that you are not in class with your ex.
Plan your schedule to avoid awkward encounters. If you don’t run into your ex, you won’t accidentally start speaking with him. And you won’t see him flirting with someone else, either. If you are in school together, use your knowledge of his schedule to avoid crossing paths in the hallway or by the lockers. Avoid visiting his workplace. For example, if he works for a café, get your hot drinks somewhere else now. Don’t go to his favorite hangouts or to his events. If your ex plays basketball, don’t go to those games. If he always took you bowling, don’t go bowling for a while.
Keep in contact with mutual friends, but make your boundaries clear. Don’t keep socializing with your ex just because you have mutual friends. Respect that your friends might want to remain friends with both of you. While it can be tempting to try to convince everyone to side with you, it’s not healthy. It may be helpful to talk through different scenarios with your friends. For example, you might say: “I don’t feel comfortable continuing our movie nights as a small group right now. But, if you throw a big party, it’s ok to invite both of us.” Recognize that your needs will change over time. Keep your friends up to date: if it’s ok to invite you both to a dinner party now, say so. Leave his friends to him. Just as you need the support of your friends and family as you navigate the break-up, so does your ex. Let your ex rely on his own network of friends and family.
Avoiding an Ex Who is Pursuing You
Recognize signs of stalking and abuse. Stalking is defined as a pattern of unwanted attention or behavior directed at you that would make a reasonable person fearful. For example, it is stalking to send repeated, intrusive, scary calls, messages, or gifts. A stalker may follow or wait for you in places where she knows she’ll find you. Or, he may make threats to harm you or your friends or family. Rely on your instincts: if you feel you are being stalked, seek help, including calling the police. Don’t downplay threatening behavior. Keep a record of contact made by a stalker as well as keep any police reports.
Set and communicate your own boundaries. Sometimes, an ex’s behavior might not rise to the level of stalking. Perhaps she just keeps asking to be friends or to get back together. Or perhaps he’s telling you that it’s normal for exes to spend a certain amount of time together. You get to set your own boundaries with an ex, even if you feel guilty about ending the relationship. Decide on what boundaries make you feel most able to enjoy your own life. Remember that you don’t owe your ex your time and attention. Naming your own boundaries, to yourself and your friends, is the first step. Pay attention to feelings of resentment or discomfort. They are often a sign that you feel your boundaries are being violated or that you haven’t set boundaries that truly make you comfortable. Be direct about what your boundaries all. Don’t be afraid to sound like a broken record if you need to. Tell your ex: “I’m not ready to be friends. If and when I am ready, I will let you know.” If your ex keeps texting you or sending you gifts or other items, stay firm with your boundaries and don’t engage. Reader Poll: We asked 272 wikiHow readers who've had an ex send them gifts, and 64% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring them. [Take Poll]
Rely on your friends and family. They are a helpful resource and the first line of defense in preventing your ex from contacting you. Ask your family for help in limiting contact with your ex. For example, your parents might be able to screen calls or other ways that your ex tries to contact you. Don’t tolerate friends who won’t respect your decision to end contact with your ex. If your friends try to use the situation to stir up drama, they are not real friends.
Ask for help in enforcing boundaries and staying safe at school or work. You have the right not to be forced into unwanted contact with an abusive or stalking ex. At school, you might want to start by speaking with a guidance counselor; at work, with Human Resources or a trusted supervisor.
Don’t be taken in by promises that your ex will change. If you have been in abusive relationship, your ex might promise that he won’t abuse you any more if you get back together. This is part of the cycle of abuse. While your ex might be able to change in time, if he does a lot of work and gets a lot of professional help, you need to be out of the relationship now.
Seek legal help if necessary. If your ex absolutely won’t leave you alone, in spite of anything you or others say, you might need to get a restraining order. This is a legal document that states the limits on the contact your ex may make with you.
Avoiding Thinking about Your Ex
Commit to making a clean break. While it’s possible to be friends with someone you used to date, you need time to recover from the break-up before that’s possible. Friendships between exes are often less satisfactory, in the long run, than friendships between people who never dated. Mark a date on a calendar to solidify for yourself how long it really is. If you had a reasonably healthy relationship, you might be able to say to your ex: “I hope that we can interact as friends in the future. But for now, I need a certain amount of time to work on my own healing. That means I won’t accept your calls or talk to you until this date at the soonest.”
Remember that not contacting your ex is about moving on, not re-starting the relationship. You need to develop a new sense of yourself that is not based in your old relationship. Rather than focusing on her, focus on your friends and your family relationships, your studies, your work, and your hobbies. Now is a good time to reach out to that friend you really like that you haven’t seen for a while. Consider taking up a new hobby, so that you meet new people and build confidence in a new context.
Avoid your ex on social media. Staying connected on social media may hold you back from healing and moving on after the end of a romantic relationship. Your focus should be on personal growth, not pictures of her night out or status updates about her new partner – or how lonely she is. Unfriend your ex on Facebook. In addition, there are apps and plug-ins that can block your ex’s updates from appearing in your feed and remove any posts that mention him. Unfollow your ex on Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. Use a “block your ex” plug-in to remove references to your ex from your internet browser altogether. These can be helpful if you just can’t resist searching her name from time to time.
Don’t fantasize about your ex. The drama of infatuation and romantic relationships can mimic addiction. Recognize that your fantasies are shaped by the best aspects of the relationship and are not an accurate depiction of what it was really like to be with him. EXPERT TIP Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Allow yourself to process both the good and the bad. Elvina Lui, Marriage and Family Therapist, advises: "Maybe you haven't moved on because you haven't finished grieving your loss. Maybe he's made you so mad that you didn't want to mourn and grieve. If that is the case, separate the two, continue to be mad if you need, but you might need to think back to the beginning when you loved him, at least how he was back then, and mourn how that is over. Contrasting his love-worthy qualities with his disgusting qualities should actually help you get closure.
Write a journal entry about the positive aspects of the relationship – and of ending it. Personal growth often results from a break-up. Writing a short, personal essay that focuses on the positive effects of the break-up helps to increase positive emotions like gratitude, hopefulness, relief, and satisfaction. EXPERT TIP "Recognizing what it is you loved so much can inform you on what you will want from your next partner." Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFTRelationship Expert
Talk to a counselor or therapist. If you find yourself unable to get over your ex, or overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, despair, or fear, you should talk to a therapist. A counselor will also be able to help you develop strategies for any interactions you need to have with your ex. Take time to find the right therapist for you. You might need to talk to a few different people or get recommendations from several different sources, including your school and your doctor’s office. It’s worth it to find someone you feel comfortable with.
Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Increased substance abuse often occurs when someone is experiencing a break-up. But relying on alcohol or drugs will only cause new problems for you.
Take your time to figure out what happened. While your friends might advise you to get over a relationship quickly by finding someone new, you’re better off taking time to understand what went wrong first. Talk to a counselor or trusted, mature friend about the relationship and how it ended.
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