How to Be Heard

Starting With Yourself

Think about what your ideal outcome looks like. It can help to identify what “being heard” looks like to you, and what it means to you, before you set out to have an interaction with the person. This way, you’ll know when you’ve been successful. For example, if you want to be heard at work more, what does that look like to you? Does it look like you sharing more of your ideas? Making some requests you’ve been afraid to make? Something else? Setting clear, smaller goals for yourself can also help you break down a huge goal like “Be heard” into achievable steps.

Practice assertive communication. Some people are afraid to communicate assertively because they worry about seeming arrogant. However, assertive communication is about speaking up for your own ideas and needs while respecting those of others. It’s collaborative, not cocky; direct, not demeaning. You can practice some assertive techniques that will help you communicate more clearly with everyone: Use “I”-statements. These will allow you to be clear and direct without sounding blaming. For example, if your boyfriend keeps forgetting your date nights, you could say: “I am hurt when you forget our date nights because I feel like I’m not a priority for you.” Then you can invite the other person to share feelings: “Would you like to talk about it?” or “What happened?” Say no. It’s very hard for some people to say no, but it’s important to recognize that it isn’t “being polite” to agree to things you really don’t want to do simply for the sake of agreeing. Try asking for some time before you make a decision. You can also remind the other person of other obligations, as in “I would usually say yes to helping you, but I have had a rough week and need some time to recharge on my own.” Remember, you’ve got an obligation to yourself, too! Be as clear as possible. Sometimes, you may not feel heard because you have not communicated clearly enough for the other person to understand. For example, if you want your children to come home for the holidays, an indirect route might be, “Wouldn’t be nice if we could all be together for Christmas?” Your children may not interpret this as a request. However, if you say something like, “It’s very important to me that we all be together for Christmas. I’d like you to make an effort to come,” you have communicated your needs clearly and sincerely without being demanding or arrogant. You can’t control what other people do with that information, but you’ve done your part. Apologize, if appropriate--but don’t over-apologize. Take responsibility when you slip up, and make plans to do better in the future. However, profuse or repeated apologies can make you seem insecure. Keep it straight, honest, and to the point.

Practice beforehand. Particularly if you are new to asserting yourself, it can be intimidating and nerve-wracking. Make it easier on yourself by practicing the communication beforehand. You can try it on your own, or ask a friend to role-play with you. You don’t need to memorize a speech, but practicing how you will say something (and how to respond to possible challenges) can help you feel more confident. Particularly in the business world, confidence is crucial to being heard. Practice in front of the mirror. Watch how you look when you speak. Practice making eye contact with yourself as you talk. Having doubts about yourself is okay. But if these doubts are keeping you from speaking out when you have something important to say, then maybe you should give yourself a pep talk. For example, if you have acne, or pimples, try using face wash specific to your skin. Or if you feel bad about your body, try wearing figure flattering clothes. This may not seem like much, but if you feel more confident, you'll probably act more confident. Record yourself practicing and examine it. How you say something can be even more influential than what you say.

Watch your body language. Confident body language communicates that you’re in control of yourself, and that you believe you have contributions to make. When you project confidence, others are more likely to experience you that way. When your body language is not confident, others won’t feel as interested in what you have to say -- and research has shown you won’t feel as confident about saying it, either. Claim your space by taking as much as you need. Don’t tuck your feet under your chair, fold your hands in your lap, or cross your legs or ankles. Keep both feet planted firmly on the floor while sitting, and stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. You don’t have to fill more space than you need or take it from others (that would be aggression, not assertiveness), but showing that you are a confident presence in the room will inspire others to listen to you. Keep your body open. Don’t cross your arms in front of you or cross your legs while standing or sitting. Don’t hold a bag in front of you, or keep your hands in your pockets. These things suggest that you are uncomfortable or not interested in the current situation. Plant yourself where you are. You don’t have to be rigid, but don’t shift your weight from one leg to the other or sway back and forth. Stand comfortably with your shoulders back and your chest out. Make eye contact. Eye contact is crucial in communicating with others. Maintain eye contact for 4-5 seconds at a time. Aim to maintain eye contact for 50% of the time while you speak, and 70% of the time while you listen.

Pay attention to your linguistic style. Your linguistic style is how you say what you say. It includes things such as tone of voice, speed, and volume, as well as pausing, word choice, and other rhetorical choices. Your linguistic style can also contribute to whether people listen to you or not. Try not to talk too fast or too slowly. If you speak too fast, people may not understand you, or they may perceive you as nervous. However, if you speak too slowly, people may become impatient or perceive you as lacking confidence in your ideas. Aim for an even, steady pace. Cultural and social differences can also play a role. For example, someone from Texas, where it’s common to speak more slowly and take longer pauses while talking, might feel overwhelmed by the fast pace of a New Yorker’s conversation, while the New Yorker might see the slower Texas speed as uncomfortably silent. Women also tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve social rapport and relationship-building, while men tend to learn to focus on linguistic rituals that involve status and directness. When these rituals come into contact, people from different backgrounds may misunderstand the messages behind them. Consider very distinctive speakers, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Garrison Keillor, and Barack Obama. Although their linguistic styles are wildly different, they’re all highly effective. They vary the volume and speed of their voices to match their points. They pause to let important ideas sink in. Watching a few speeches or performances from excellent speakers on YouTube can help you transfer these skills to your own life.

Look for alternate avenues. Not everyone is going to be a confident social butterfly, even with practice. However, in our age of technology there are many ways to be heard. Consider starting a blog, journaling on social media, writing letters to the editor of your local newspaper, or even writing in a private journal. Sometimes, the most important thing is to get the words out.

Become an active listener. One of the keys to being heard is knowing how to listen. Not only will this help you find people who are more likely to truly listen, people who know they're being heard are more inclined to listen to you. Here are some techniques to try: Put away your cell phone, or iPod when you're talking with someone. Don't look around the room. Give the person your full attention. Ask for clarification when necessary. Occasionally, say things like, “Let’s see if I understood you correctly. I heard ____. Is that what you meant?” Saying things like this allows the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstanding without feeling attacked. Summarize. This means bringing together different strands of information from your conversation. For example, at the end of a meeting, you might wrap up by saying, “So, what it sounds like we need to do is _______ and _________. Does anyone else have anything to add?” Use encouragers. These can be “minimal encouragers,” such as nodding and words like “uh-huh,” or questions, such as “And then what happened?” Avoid prepping your response while the other person is talking. Listen carefully, and then offer your thoughts.

Being Heard at Work

Match your communication style to your audience. An important part of being heard, especially at work, is to make sure you're speaking in the most effective way for your audience. Always consider who it is that you're going to be speaking to when you're trying to get heard. Consider how they speak: do they speak quickly, rapid-firing their ideas? Do they speak more slowly and with more consideration? If you speak rapidly to a slower-paced person they're more likely to shut down no matter how good your ideas are. You want to set your speaking pace to your audience's listening pace.

Know your colleagues. This is part of matching your communication style to your audience, but you need to know how to speak effectively to your colleagues. If you want them to hear you, then you need to speak on their level, which requires figuring out what that level is. Find out what makes them tick and shape your idea to their perspective. If they maintain a blog, read it, if they write articles for a magazine relating to your field, check it out. You want insight into their ideas. Figure out what topics they’re interested in and what they value. To be heard effectively you have to gear your ideas towards what will interest your colleagues most. For example: if you find that your colleague is really interested saving the environment, then you might try to show how your idea will help with saving the environment. Take note of how one "takes the floor". Know how to get your opinion, thought, or comment heard. Observe how communications flows, and how a person gets his or her voice heard. This may vary greatly from culture to culture, workplace to workplace, and person to person. Note behavior in meetings, office interactions, and such in workplaces. You might notice, for instance, that the boss will not respond well to subtle hints, but a direct approach works better. Take a look at individuals. Why does Cousin Sam get across to Grandmother? Or the intern from accounting gets attention, while you do not? Understand cultural differences. Sometimes it is subtle, sometimes not. The workplace culture in China may be quite different than Canada.

Avoid diminishing your ideas. This may be an unconscious part of your communication, but using too much apologetic or self-deprecating language can work against you. Consider: if someone passes you in the hall and says something like, “I’m sorry to bother you, but do you have just two minutes to listen to this idea I have?” -- would you feel confident about what that person had to share? Confidence is important to convince others, especially in the workplace, that your ideas are worth hearing. Use the assertive communication techniques elsewhere in this article to help you communicate your ideas with confidence. Being confident doesn’t mean you have to be pushy or arrogant. You can acknowledge others’ contributions and communicate that you appreciate others’ time is valuable without diminishing your own role. For example, try “Hey, I have what I think is a good idea for that project. Do you have two minutes?” This still acknowledges that the other person’s time is valuable without seeming to apologize for having an idea.

Keep yourself well-informed. You really don't want to be that person in a meeting that just blurts out ideas without having the faintest idea what's going on. Make sure that you know what is going to be covered in the meeting, or at work. A good way to be able to talk knowledgeably and be heard during a meeting or discussion is if you're prepared some topics and opinions on the subject beforehand. This will give you a jumping off point for expressing your ideas, especially if you're naturally more reticent.

Choose a means of expression that’s best for you. You want to play to your strengths when you're discussing an idea you have, or describing a work situation, while still keeping in mind your audience. If you're best at making a PowerPoint, then use that as the medium through which you express your ideas. People learn and absorb information in different ways. You may test out whether your colleagues or the people in a meeting are visual learners, kinetic learners, or auditory learners. Mixing up your styles of presenting information is also a good way to make sure that people are still following. For example: you might have a PowerPoint, a handout, and a small discussion on your idea.

Speak up first in a discussion. Generally, the first person who contributes to a discussion will be heard more than others who come after. If you have ideas, jump in early. Hanging back may mean you get lost in the discussion. Obviously, don't jump in if no one has posed a question or asked for ideas. It will look a bit presumptuous. This can take a little while to perfect. Some people may interpret a brief pause as uncomfortable silence, while others need a moment to collect their thoughts. Experiment with how long a pause seems to work well, and then jump in.

Ask questions. Often, people are so focused on getting their ideas out there that they forget that asking questions can be just as important, and sometimes even better than simply presenting ideas. Questions can help clarify issues or get people thinking about a problem differently. For example, if people are discussing how best to maximize the work day, ask what it is that the boss is looking for, ask where the problem areas are, and so on. Prepare questions ahead of time, even if you don’t use them. This can help prepare you and help clarify your own thinking.

Engage your audience. Make sure that your methods of showing your ideas are clear and concise, or else your ideas may go in one ear, and out the other. You can also use techniques to keep people’s attention, such as using compelling imagery, telling an illustrative anecdote, and calling back to other things that have happened. Even if you’re speaking to a huge crowd, make eye contact while you’re speaking. Move your eyes naturally around the room, making eye contact with different people. at the end of sentences, keep your eyes up and focused on your audience.

Don’t expect anyone to ask you for your opinion. While this can be true in all different parts of life, it holds especially true in work instances. Sometimes, people are so busy presenting their own ideas they're not going to ask you what yours are. They're going to assume that if you had an idea you'd speak up. You have to make the conscious effort to be heard, to speak up. If you don't, then you're simply not going to be heard. It might take a little while to get comfortable speaking up, but the more you do it, the better you will get. This is something that can be especially difficult for women, who are taught not to be “polite” and consider others’ needs, even at the expense of their own.

Being Heard in a Relationship

Choose the right time. Part of making sure that you're actually being heard is picking the right time and the right place. This is especially important if you're needing to have a conversation about a difficult subject. You want to choose a private moment rather than make something a public event. So if there's some sort of problem, having it out with your significant other in front of the entire family on Christmas Eve isn't going to be conducive to communication. Likewise, picking a time when you're both grumpy or already upset (on a long drive, for example) is going to make the other person less likely to hear you.

Know what you want to say in advance. While you don't necessarily need to write down your talking points word for word, it's a good idea to know what points you want to touch on. This is especially important if you're shy or tend to have more difficulty thinking on your feet. This can also keep you on track during a conversation itself, because you'll be better able to remember the things that you need to talk about. Ask yourself questions, such as “What is the solution I’d like to see here?” or “What are other ways I could feel heard?”

Check if the other person is open to hearing you. While this ties in with the picking the right time and place, it's important that you tell when someone is open to hearing you. If they aren't, it rarely matters what you say or how you say it. If someone isn't open to hearing you, they aren't going to hear you. Their body language can communicate a lot to you. If they're turned away from you, not making eye contact, or their arms are crossed across their chest, then they're likely feeling defensive, or not wanting to listen to you. If they are being aggressive, or angry, then it's going to be very difficult to get them to listen to what you're saying. In that instance, it's best to remove yourself from the situation as best as possible.

Make sure your own body language is conducive to speaking. When you're trying to get someone to hear you, you need to make sure that your body language is communicating that. Do your best to avoid shutting down conversation by paying attention to what your body language is saying. If you can sit next to the person you're trying get to hear you. Make sure that you keep enough distance between you and them so it doesn't feel like you're crowding them, but close enough that there's a connection between you two. Keep your tone of voice and your body language as neutral as possible. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest, or balling up your hands into fists. Keep your chest as open as possible. Maintain eye contact with the other person. This will help you to judge how they're feeling, and whether they're still listening to you, and it will help keep a connection between the two of you.

Set the stage. You're trying to engage the other person without shutting them down. If you shut the other person down straight off the bat, you're going to find it next to impossible to get them to hear you. What you want to do is make this discussion a shared inquiry rather than an accusation. As an example you could say something like "I have a problem, and I'm wondering if you can help me with it" and segue into explaining that you need help taking care of the kids. A second example might be something like "I'm confused, I'd really like it if you could try to help me understand" and then go on to explain that you feel that there's a distance between the two of you and you'd really like to work on bridging that distance.

Express vulnerability rather than anger. Anger tends to be a mask for something deeper and more vulnerable, like fear or pain. When you launch directly into anger you're shutting down the avenues of conversation rather than opening them up. Vulnerability, while much harder (and scarier) to express, is more likely to be heard. This means, though, that you're going to have to share your hurt in a more thoughtful manner. This is why "I" statements are so incredibly important. You're explaining why you're hurt or why you're upset. For example: "I was hurt when you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, because it felt like my important recital wasn't as important as getting home and putting your feet up" is so much better and more open than "You always forget to do things. I guess you just don't care about this important recital!"

Be open to listening yourself. A conversation and being heard is not a one-way street. You can't count on someone being willing to listen to you, if you aren't willing to listen to them. It can be hard to hear things about yourself or about the relationship that clash with what you've been thinking, but if you want them to hear you, you have to hear them. Hear what the other person has to say. If you're not willing to listen when your significant other explains their side — "I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, because I've been so stressed about our child's failing grades in school" — then you're not going to get anywhere. When the other person is talking, cultivate active listening. If you space out or get absorbed in your own thoughts, ask them to repeat what they just said. Look them in the eye when they talk and pay attention to what they're saying, rather than focusing on what you're going to say next.

Cultivate your sense of humor. Important conversations, getting people to listen to you, opening up when you're hurt or upset. All these things can be incredibly difficult and emotionally draining. If you can approach them with humor, you're more likely to get further. After all, people tend to be more open to listening to you when you’re humorous about the situation than when you’re emotionally charged.

Accept that sometimes the other person is not open to listening. You can't always be heard. You just can't. It doesn't matter if you do everything "right." You set the stage, you pick the right time, you stay neutral instead of getting angry. Sometimes people aren't ready for what you have to say, and sometimes they'll never be. If someone cannot or will not hear what you have to say on an ongoing basis, you may need to reconsider whether it's worth having a relationship with them.

Being Heard in a Social Setting

Consider whether you need to talk. The thing about being heard is that you need to do it at the right time. That means that you're not doing it all the time. Remember quantity and quality do not always go together. Sometimes what people need is a friendly ear. Being the person who listens to other people can also be really important. Cultivate the attitude of saying things only when you feel they're important to say. People will be more likely to listen to you if they know that you talk about interesting subjects.

Know when not to talk. You don't need to talk to everyone. You don't need to talk all the time. There are lots of times and places when people are more or less receptive to conversation and hearing you. Knowing which places are good for that will make you feel more heard in the long run. For example: someone taking a long red-eye flight is probably going to be less receptive to your conversation than someone you're standing in a long line to a concert you both enjoy. Likewise, that person who is wearing their headphones and staring out the bus window? Yeah, they're probably not looking to hear about all your new business selling used Ferrari automobiles. Even receptive people can “zone out” after too long. If you’ve been talking for more than 40 seconds without a break, it’s probably time to wrap up and give the other person a chance to speak.

Let people know when all you want is to vent. There are times in everyone's life when all they need is a sympathetic listening ear while they vent about some injustice. Now some people are more interested in offering solutions than listening to you. A lot of people are happy to commiserate or listen if they know that's all you need from them. If they think they need to offer solutions, they may be a little shorter with you and possibly less likely to listen. Similarly, it’s a good idea to check in with friends to see whether they want someone to problem-solve with them or just a sympathetic ear to vent to.