How to Break Up with a Narcissistic Partner over Text

Write down why you want to break up.

Leaving a toxic partner is hard, and it’s easy to second-guess yourself. They may try to manipulate you into staying with them. If this happens, remind yourself why you need to move on by re-reading your “why.” You could write: “He constantly puts me down, won’t let me hang out with friends, and manipulates me into always doing what he wants.” “She lies to me but gaslights me into thinking I’m wrong, and she calls me horrible names so I feel bad about myself.” “They constantly take advantage of me and make me feel guilty for having my own needs.”

Plan what you will say in advance.

It’s much easier to leave a controlling partner if you do a bit of prep work. Write out what you want to say before you text your soon-to-be-ex so you can hit “send” with confidence. You don’t want to leave room for questions or misunderstandings. You might send your breakup message to a friend for advice before you send it. They can help you craft the perfect text.

Tell them the relationship is over, but don’t provide a reason.

Keep your message simple and direct so they can’t argue. There’s no point in trying to argue with a narcissistic person or in trying to get them to see your point-of-view: if they want to cling to their version of reality, that’s what they’re going to do. They may even try to escalate the situation and manipulate you into thinking you’re wrong. Start your text with something like: “I feel like this relationship has run its course, so I’m breaking up with you.” “I’ve decided it’s best to end things between us.” “I’ve realized this relationship just doesn’t work for me anymore, so it’s over.” There's a difference between what your ex-partner needs to know versus what they want to know.

Keep your message neutral.

Telling a narcissistic person how they hurt you is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Fortunately, you can avoid a big explosion by keeping your reasons for the breakup to yourself. As tempting as it might be, don’t bring up the past or point out the ways they hurt you. If you do, they may look for a way to retaliate. As an example, you might be tempted to say, “It really hurts me when you call me names, so I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Instead, just text, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore,” and leave it at that. What you went through with them may have been really painful. You don’t have to bottle all of those feelings up. Vent to a trusted friend or family member so someone understands what you’re going through.

Wish them well in the future.

Try to keep things positive so they feel less attacked. Playing nice as you walk away from them will make your life so much easier. You don’t deserve to have to deal with their drama, but it’s likely a controlling ex is going to take your breakup badly. Soften the blow with some well-wishes. Write: “I hope you find someone who’s a better match for you.” “I wish you all happiness.” “I know you'll meet someone else soon.”

Leave their response on read.

It’s hard for an egotistical person to let someone go. Because of their inflated sense of self, they may try to charm you into coming back. Just ignore whatever your ex says in response to your breakup text. It’s not worth your time and energy to argue with them. You can always re-read your “why” statement if you start to second-guess your decision, and know that they’ll eventually stop trying to get you back.

Block all means of contact.

Go no-contact so your ex can’t hurt you anymore. After a breakup, a manipulative ex could send you everything from declarations of love to horrible insults. To entitled people, a relationship isn’t over until they say it is. Cut them out of your life by blocking them on everything, including your phone, social media accounts, and email. If you have mutual friends with your ex, you might have to unfollow or cut ties with them, as well. Make sure they aren’t drawing you back into your ex’s web. Going no-contact is important for your well-being and closure.

Ask your friends for support during the breakup.

Dating a manipulative partner can really hurt your self-esteem. Fortunately, your friends can help remind you what makes you unique. Reach out to your friends so they can be there for you. They’ll help you come out of this breakup with more strength and joy. You might go out with your best friend for coffee, or invite several friends out to dinner. Even if you haven’t talked to your friends in a while, still reach out to them. They probably miss you a lot and will be happy to hear from you.

Watch for their retaliation for the breakup.

Narcissistic people typically react poorly to a breakup. They often spread lies about you to friends and family, and may show up unexpectedly at your work or favorite spots, hoping to run into you. Your ex may switch back and forth between trying to woo you back with false promises and flattery and trying to punish you with lies and criticism. No matter what your ex says, you’re not at fault for dating them. Some people don’t show their true colors until after the “honeymoon” stage has ended.

Expect them to start dating someone new soon.

People with fragile egos need constant validation, so they don’t stay single long. Your ex will probably have a new partner pretty much immediately after your breakup. Seeing them act so in love with someone so soon after your breakup can be super painful. Try to remember that this has nothing to do with you, and your feelings will fade over time. It’s really common for a narcissistic person to keep back-up options, so they can easily find a new partner if their relationship falls apart. This is why it’s so important to block them on everything. Not only does it stop them from contacting you, it also prevents them from making you jealous by posting photos on social media of them moving on.

Take time to work on yourself after the breakup.

You deserve to feel amazing about yourself. Your ex may have tried to tear you down as a person, but this is your chance to build yourself back up. Spend the time immediately after your breakup hanging out with friends and family. Additionally, rediscover who you are without your ex in your life. You can: Grieve the end of your relationship and what you wanted from it. Practice self care. Decide what you want in a future relationship. Spend time doing what makes you happy. Try new things.

Talk to a therapist to help you move on.

Therapy helps you rebuild your self-esteem and process your feelings. Being in a relationship with a controlling or abusive partner can really take a toll on your mental health. After your breakup, it might help to talk to a professional who can help you move on in a healthy way. Look for a therapist online or ask friends for a recommendation. You may also be able to find a therapist through your insurance company.