Developing Your Strategy
Get a clear picture of the bullying before you confront your friend. Talk with your own child first to get more details about the situation, and then talk with your friend after that. Be cautious when your child says that the other person was a bully and they themselves didn't do anything. The more information you have and understand, the better informed you'll be when talking with your friend. If you were present when the friend's child bullied your kid, make sure to correct the bully immediately so they understand what they're doing is not acceptable. If you weren't present when your child was bullied by your friend's child, try to get more specific details about what the bullying child was doing, and what your child was doing at the time. Avoid overreacting if your child says something like, "I don't like hanging out at their house. He's mean. He keeps bullying me." You need to get the specifics of what this means. Keep in mind that it might be possible for your child to handle this on their own depending on their age and on the situation.
Think about how your friend may react. If the roles were reversed and your friend came to you about your child, think about how you might respond. As a parent, you may naturally want to defend your child and their actions. The same may be true of your friend. Be thoughtful about what you do. Think before you act. Avoid confronting your friend when you're very upset. For delicate matters about bullying, you need to be calm and level-headed. You may want to work with a close friend or family member to help you develop your strategy. Just make sure not to do this publicly, such as on social media, and do not engage in gossip.
Determine how close you and your friend are. Some friends are closer than others. Have you been close friends for many years, or have you just been friends for the last few months? The length and strength of the relationship may impact how you confront your friend. Closer or lifelong friendships may allow for more openness and brutal honesty. Consider whether you feel comfortable talking about bullying in a direct way because of your friendship. Friends of friends, or recent friendships may require more subtlety when talking about a child's bullying behavior. You may feel like this could change the nature of the friendship. Think about whether or not you have had other conflicts or difficult conversations with this friend in the past. Consider how they went and what you might do differently this time.
Identify ways to stay friends even if your children don't get along. Figure out if you still want to be friends with someone whose child is a bully. Most likely, if it's a meaningful friendship or a person you see on a regular basis through work or family, you'll want to find ways to make the friendship work. If the friend is becoming just as mean as their child, you may want to stay away. Consider having one-on-one time with your friend, rather than interacting in groups or with the kids present. Try to show some compassion, and figure out how to be helpful to your friend rather than mean yourself. Don't take your child along on visits to your friend's home or where the friend's child may be present.
Talking Honestly about Bullying
Talk with your friend in person about the bullying. This is the best way to avoid miscommunication. It provides both sides with the opportunity to speak. Be aware that your friend may not react as you expect, so be prepared. Focus on talking with your friend one-on-one first, without getting your child or the friend's child immediately involved. Be prepared for your friend to possibly act defensive. Your friend may be caught off-guard. For example, say, "I hope that we can sit down and talk for a little bit. I wanted to talk with you about our kids."
Use phone calls or emails as a less direct way to talk about bullying. Some people want to avoid confrontation. You may feel like it's too awkward to talk directly with your friend about what's happening. Consider a less direct approach. Though not in person, phone calls allow for back-and-forth dialogue. Consider scheduling a time to talk when it's convenient for both you and your friend. Emails are the least direct way to confront your friend about their child's bullying behaviors. At the same time, emails allow for the respondent to process what is said and have more time to respond back. Avoid texting back and forth with your friend about bullying. Texting is for short, brief information, not long discussions.
Present that facts of the situation. When confronting your friend, focus on giving just the facts of the situation. While bullying incidents can be emotionally upsetting, it likely won't help you or your friend if you go into the conversation already upset. Present the facts of the situation, including the who, what, where, and when. The more detail you can provide about a specific incident, the less it will feel like an open-ended blame game. Avoid using the terms “bully” and “bullying when you talk with your friend. These terms may put your friend on the defensive. Also, make sure to use the children’s names rather than saying “your child” and “my child.”
Avoid focusing on blame and punishment. Bullying is unacceptable, regardless of whose child it is that's doing the bullying. But it's important to make your friend feel that the conversation isn't about assigning blame and punishment. The discussion should be about how to move forward in a healthy way. Talk with your friend about the importance of both your child and your friendship with them. Make it clear that you're not trying to make drama or get into a big fight. Try to enlist their help as a collaborator. For example, say something like, "Any idea what we should do about this situation?" This will help to avoid a “me against them” mentality. Understand that punishing another person's child can be a tricky thing. If your child was bullied at school, there may be certain school policies in place. Otherwise, if your child was bullied at your friend's home, it may be up to your friend to make the call about punishment.
Listening to Your Friend
See if your friend has the same concerns as you about their own child. Ask your friend if they have noticed any changes in their child's behavior. Discuss any concerns you have personally seen in the child's behavior, regardless of the bullying. Be empathetic to your friend and their child. Rather than making your friend feel judged, listen to what may be worrying your friend about their own children. They may also be concerned about what to do regarding their child's behaviors. Offer emotional support if it seems like your friend is going through a difficult time with their children or life in general. You might even want to prompt them to think about any factors that might be affecting their child’s behavior. Let them know that you are willing to listen if they want to share, but do not pry.
Collaborate with your friend about parenting. If your friend is open to your help and advice, find ways to collaborate and support one another. Parenting is tough, and sometimes parents with mean or unruly children are the sweetest people themselves. Help to show them alternative parenting methods without criticizing them. Get their perspective on what is and is not bullying. Ask them about what methods they use for discipline, and what has worked and not worked in the past. You might also want to have a book recommendation ready or the phone number of the school counselor at your children’s school. It might be easier for them to talk with a third party and get advice than to hear it from you. Be reassuring when possible that you want to help and support, rather than criticize and judge.
Listen to your friend without getting upset. Avoid getting angry or interrupting your friend each time they say something that you disagree with. They may not have the same approach or beliefs about their child or bullying, but getting upset won't help to resolve the situation. Give them an opportunity to talk. When they talk, you'll be able to see if they are interested in change or not. The more that they seem open to other perspectives, the more opportunities you have work on the situation with them. If you feel yourself getting upset, or wanting to constantly correct them, step away for a moment. You may need to talk with them at a later point when you're calmer. For example say, "I'm sorry but I need to take a moment. I hope that we can talk about this later today or tomorrow when I'm more ready." Keep in mind that your friend might need some time to process this new, upsetting information. Make sure to keep the lines of communication open and let them know that you are there for them if they would like to talk. be careful with your response if they make accusations about your child. It is important to avoid getting upset and to lead by example.
Dealing with Inaction or Hostility
Accept that your friend may not want, or be able, to change their child's behavior. Sometimes you can't change other people's behavior, or their children's. They could be in denial, or are on the defensive, about what their child is doing. Even if you talk in the most calm and comforting way with your friend, you may not get through to them or their children. Set boundaries for yourself, your child, and your friend. If you feel like there's no resolution after confronting your friend, think about ways to limit your interactions between your child and your friend's child. Understand that each person will handle their children and family life differently. Be cautious of passing judgment about others. Instead, focus on making a safe and protective space for your children that is understanding of others. Keep in mind that it is okay to feel hurt if your concerns were dismissed. Make sure to take some time to grieve the changing relationship or loss of friendship.
Use a mediator or other friend to act as a go-between. If your conversation with your friend has reached a stand-still, or continues to fester unresolved, you may want to find someone who can help to facilitate the conversation. Talk with a mutual friend who may be able to help. The other friend could sit-in on the conversation with your friend about the bullying. They could help you stay calm and focused, as well as help to make your friend feel less judged. If you and your friend have mutual family members or a common place of worship, you may want to get family members or religious leaders involved to help with the dialogue. Find people that can help to mediate or counsel rather than make your friend feel judged or alienated.
Get other authorities involved if necessary. If the bullying incident happens in school, day care center, or other child-centered place, it may be best to speak with the staff there about the situation. Be sure to let them know that you tried to resolve the matter on your own and that it did not go well. This may help them to avoid escalating the situation unintentionally. Depending on the severity of the incident, you may also want to report the incident to the local police. While some bullying may be a matter of saying mean or nasty words, other bullying could involve physical harm or injury to a child. Be vigilant when a child's life may be in danger. Help to ensure the safety of your child and other people's children by notifying the school staff or other child care centers about behavior that could lead to future injury.
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