Things to Remember after a Break Up
Time will ease your pain, and your feelings are normal. The truth is, breakups are hard. Whether or not you were the one who made the decision to end your relationship, the pain and uncertainty after a breakup is always tough. Remember that whatever you're feeling, it's normal. And more than anything, take comfort in the fact that you will feel better in time. Your feelings may go up and down—you may feel fine one day, and devastated the next. Your feelings may be confusing or surprising to you at times. But trust that there are no "normal" or "abnormal" feelings during a breakup. There's no set timeline for grieving a breakup. Whether it takes less or more time than you expect, this is your journey.
You deserve a healthy relationship and a partner who makes you happy. The pain and heartbreak can feel so tough to bear. But you made the brave decision to open yourself up to new possibilities. In order to have a shot at finding a relationship that can make you feel truly fulfilled, you might need to be willing to explore on your own.
Even if you miss your boyfriend, you broke up for a reason. If you're feeling doubts about the breakup, remind yourself why it happened. There must have been a reason things ended. Remembering this can help you feel gratitude that the relationship is over rather than regret. Did you break up because you fought a lot? Did you not really like spending time with one another? Was there a lot of tension and jealousy in your relationship? It can help to actually write down a list of things that made you unhappy. This will help you remember that it's a positive that things ended.
If you're feeling guilty, remember that this might be best for your ex, too. It can feel awful to watch someone you care suffer because of your breakup. Try to remind yourself that breaking up takes a ton of courage, and if you were the one to make the call, that shows major strength. And now you’re both free to pursue happiness and independent fulfillment, instead of struggling through a relationship that wasn't working. Plus, staying in a relationship for another person will end up hurting everyone. You don't need to feel breakup guilt, because if you were unhappy, that's reason enough to break up. Trust that this move is better for him in the long run, too.
To ever be happy together again, you may need time apart now. If the relationship wasn’t working, it wasn’t working. For the two of you to have a healthy, fulfilling partnership in the future (if that’s something you’re interested in down the line) then you need time apart now. This way, you both have time to grow and reflect, giving you a chance to mature and create a healthier relationship in the future.
Healthy Ways to Deal with Your Breakup
Don’t contact your ex, at least at the beginning. Texting, Facetime, and meetups are unlikely to bring the closure you’re looking for—instead, it might just keep your wounds open for longer. It's a good idea to limit contact as much as you can in the wake of the breakup. If seeing your ex is unavoidable, like if you go to school together or work together, then this might be difficult, but try to have as little contact as possible while you heal. If you can, cut off contact completely, if only temporarily. When you go to text your ex, type the message in your notes like a journal instead. If you’re more likely to call them when you’re drinking, have a friend hold onto your phone for your nights out. If you need to avoid reminders of him, purge your social media. Unfollow or block him on every app that you use regularly.
Express your feelings in healthy ways, like through art and socialization. Journaling, art, and even deep conversation can help you process and accept your emotions. When you’re feeling totally overwhelmed by heartbreak or regret, let it out. Though it can feel stressful and sometimes even silly, remember that not only are your feelings totally valid, but they’re also becoming more manageable as you work through them. Get artistic. Channel your feelings into a song, a poem, a short story, or a painting. Talk it through with friends. Offer to buy your pal a strong cup of coffee and chat things through. Journal whenever you feel inspired. Over time, you might pick up on recurring thoughts and feelings that you can work through.
Stay busy doing things you love. Every second you spend learning a new skill or enjoying a favorite hobby is one second you’re not thinking about your ex. Now is the time to invest in you, so keep yourself occupied with awesome activities. Make a list of things you love, things you’d love to try, and things you’re curious about. Then, start incorporating them into your routine! Enroll in an exciting class—cooking, swing dancing, woodworking, you name it. Finish your dream project. Organize your closet, paint your room, or create a vision board. Throw yourself into work. Take initiative, learn a new software, or go after a big promotion. Try something new. A new hobby can help you keep your mind in the present. It also may be an opportunity to make new friends. If you knit, for example, you can try joining a knitting circle.
Focus on your health. By drinking water, sleeping well, and staying active, you’ll keep your mind occupied and your feelings in check. Studies show that exercise and healthy decisions can actually make you more emotionally resilient. Plus, the endorphins give you a rush of joy to look forward to when you’re struggling through your breakup. To get better rest, meditate before bed and aim to go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day. Get all the vitamins and nutrients you need. Foods filled with probiotics and leafy greens are proven to give your mood a boost. Get active every day. Walk to work, train for a 5k, go for a bike ride—do whatever makes you feel the best.
Invest in your friendships. Reigniting and strengthening friendships can help after a breakup. Try to make plans as much as you can right after breaking up with someone. This can help you focus on the present over the past. Say “yes” to every invitation you receive for a while. Actively work on strengthening your friendships. If you’re enjoying one of your hobbies, ask someone you like to join in. Does your friend have a birthday coming up? Offer to plan their surprise party! If you have a family relationship that hasn’t been as strong lately, plan a weekly dinner with them. Organize amazing group activities. Start a book club, plan a group getaway, or host a holiday party.
Enjoy activities that you couldn’t do with your ex. In relationships, we don’t always get to invest in the things that we’d like to. Remind yourself that there's a bright side to your new independence by actively enjoying “single” activities. Just make sure that you’re doing what you want—not what you think single people are supposed to want. Casual dating can be freeing, but only if it feels right! Try meeting new connections through dating apps. Enjoy a night out on the town and flirt was someone new and exciting. Go on a long, solo trip that you couldn't have taken when you were in a relationship.
Go on an “ex” hiatus. Expressing feelings can be super beneficial. But obsessing over your ex might force you to grieve your relationship longer than you need to. Give yourself a break from these thoughts. Set a deadline and tell yourself that for this time period, you’re giving yourself a break from regret and worry. When new thoughts pop up, remind yourself that: “Whether or not I spend the next 30 minutes stressing about my ex-boyfriend, it won’t change anything.” “Just for today, I’m setting myself free of these thoughts. Instead, I’m going to go listen to music and enjoy a nice salad.” “It might feel nice to look at old photos, but it’ll hurt after. I’m choosing not to do this to myself for today.”
Find professional support from a therapist. If you start to feel totally discouraged by your breakup, know that a professional therapist can help. Sometimes, major life events can throw us into mental health challenges, like depression or anxiety. If you’re having a hard time coping, schedule an appointment with a therapist to find some relief. Get help from someone you trust. If you're not sure where to start, try BetterHelp.
Accept it if your boyfriend moves on. Sometimes it can help to see someone else has moved on. If you get news your boyfriend has a new girlfriend or boyfriend, try to accept this. Remind yourself some relationships are temporary and that you will move on too. This can also help with guilt if you're the one who broke up with him.
What if you want to get back together with your ex?
Take time to think before you act. If you’re too spontaneous about getting back together, you two might end up rekindling before you're truly ready. Make sure you think things through thoroughly before you ask to talk, and consider these questions: What would be different if we got back together? Do I regret the decision because I’m feeling heartbroken, or because I made a mistake? What have we learned during our breakup? How can we keep the same thing from happening again?
Respect your ex’s boundaries. If your ex asked for no-contact, do your best to give him space. During a breakup or a break, it’s so important to listen to what your ex needs from you. Even if it’s tough to swallow, this is a way to make sure he has time to heal in a way that makes sense for him. If you want to talk about rekindling but he still needs time, wait for him to reach back out. If waiting feels impossible, remember that you want to be in a respectful, kind relationship. To hold up your end of the bargain, you need to honor his wishes, even while you’re not officially together.
Once you've decided what you want from your ex, initiate a conversation. Ask your ex about what he wants, what he’s learned from your time apart, and if he sees a future with you again. The most important thing now is to make sure you’re making your decision for the right reasons—and that if you do get back together, you start things off on the right foot. During your conversation, try to keep these things in mind: Rekindling just to ease the pain of heartbreak will make things harder in the long run. It’s best to talk about what you two did during your breakup, especially if you were with different people. Talk about your relationship with the perspective that everything is brand new—falling into bad patterns and holding grudges might cause you both hurt down the line. Ask him to talk at a time that feels comfortable for him: "Hey, do you have some free time this week? I would really love to talk about our relationship." Then, let him know how you feel: "I've been thinking about you a lot, and I think we can make this work. I want to open a discussion about rekindling our relationship."
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