How to Get Your Ex to Respect You

Respect yourself.

If you don’t think you’re worthy of respect, neither will others. It’s really hard for other people (including your ex) not to follow your lead when you’re always talking down to yourself, criticizing yourself, or beating yourself up over mistakes. Instead, accept yourself for who you are—far from perfect for sure, but just as surely worthy of respect. The fact that you were recently involved in a breakup does nothing to change that. It’s natural to be sad and unhappy after a breakup, and it’s important to allow yourself to feel these emotions. But it’s also important to remind yourself about your positive qualities and the happy things in your life.

Earn respect, don’t demand or beg for it.

You’re more likely to lose respect if you act weakly or aggressively. Think of it like this: if your boss or teacher stood in front of everyone and thundered, “I demand that you show me respect,” would that cause you to respect them more or less? What about if they literally begged on their hands and knees for respect? Your ex is never going to truly respect you out of either fear or pity—it’s something you need to earn. Whether it’s your ex or anyone else, you can’t “make” another person respect you. Focus on what you can control: being the kind of person that your ex (and other people) want to respect. Don't try to make your ex feel sorry for you.

Model the respect you want in return.

Show your ex (and others) the respect you hope to get from them. Think of it as the post-breakup golden rule: “Do unto your ex as you would have them do unto you.” If you want them to be polite when you cross paths, be polite to them first. Say pleasantries like “Nice to see you” and “I hope you’re doing well.” Don’t drag up painful memories from the past—unless, that is, you’ve agreed to talk about them. Instead, stick to either pleasant memories or safe topics that don’t involve your relationship at all. Think about the people in your life who you respect most. They almost certainly show you a lot of respect. Show respect to other people as well, even if your ex won’t see or hear about it. It can really help with all your relationships in life!

Stay respectful if they disrespect you.

Refuse to get caught up in a tit-for-tat battle with your ex. Yes, it’s really tough to take the high road here, especially with your ex! And if they’re fully intent on disrespecting you, it may not be possible to ever gain their respect. But, at the very least, taking the high road means you have a good reason to respect yourself. Say, for example, that your ex fails to show up at the agreed-upon place and time to exchange your stuff, or makes hurtful comments about you on social media. It’s definitely okay to point out their wrongdoing, such as by saying, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way by you.” But fight the urge to stoop to their level. Hopefully, as your breakup fades further into the past, your ex will lose the urge to act disrespectfully towards you. If you’ve shown them respect all along, the odds of achieving a manageable post-breakup relationship are much better.

Speak respectfully (or keep quiet) about your ex.

Bad-mouthing them is tempting, but it only makes things worse. Imagine yourself on the other side of things: If you have an ex who is bad-mouthing you to everyone, are you going to respect them more or less? Bad-mouthing your ex is a bad idea in any case, but it’s really bad if you bad-mouth them to your shared children. It’s very difficult to regain the respect you’ll lose this way, and it’s detrimental to your kids’ handling of a tough situation as well. Right about now, you might be asking, “But what if I only bad-mouth them to my friends who will never spill the beans?” Sure, this is less egregious than bad-mouthing them directly. However, “secret” bad-mouthing still puts you in a disrespectful frame of mind that will probably spill over into your interactions with them.

Listen and communicate thoughtfully with them.

Respect your ex’s feelings and point of view. Whether you have very frequent or very rare contact with your ex, treat each opportunity as a chance to earn more of their respect. Listen to what they have to say without interrupting or arguing with them. Don’t try to dominate the conversation in some misguided attempt to show how well you’ve gotten back on your feet after the breakup. When it’s necessary to bring up a difficult topic, do so with empathy and thoughtfulness. You might, for example, need to discuss how to spend time with mutual friends when you don’t want to spend much time with each other, or figure out a care strategy for a pet you owned together. Don’t view difficult conversations as a competition that you need to “win.” Instead, aim to find the best possible outcome for both of you.

Set relationship boundaries together.

Try to get on the same page about your future relationship, if any. Things tend to get messy, for example, when one person hopes there’s a chance of getting back together and the other one does not. Instead of playing a guessing game about each other’s intentions, aim to communicate openly and honestly about where you see your relationship going. This also means accepting the fact that your relationship may have no future at all. If you have children together and are co-parenting, communicate respectfully about the boundaries for your new relationship. You might agree to the types, timing, and nature of the contact you’ll have with each other—calls and texts only at certain times and on child-related subjects, for example.

Be reliable and accountable.

These qualities help you to earn respect in every situation. Put simply, people respect reliable people. If your ex knows you’ll be somewhere when you say you’ll be there, or will do something that you say you’ll do, they’ll naturally hold you in higher esteem. If and when you do come up short, apologize and show that you hold yourself accountable. The more contact you have with your ex, the more important these qualities are in your quest to gain respect. But it’s always worthwhile to prove yourself to be reliable!

Live your best life.

Do what’s best for you, not what you think your ex will respect most. It’s a good thing to want your ex’s respect—unless you make that goal too high of a priority. If your quest for respect leads you to make choices or do things that aren’t what you truly want, or that don’t make you happy, then it’s time to stop and reconsider. Remind yourself that you can’t control what your ex or anyone else thinks about you—but you can control how you choose to live your life. There’s a good chance that trying too hard to gain someone’s respect will backfire, making you seem desperate or clingy or weak-willed. Living your life confidently and to the best of your abilities, while respecting yourself and those around you, is more likely to gain the respect of your ex and others.

Aim to always break up respectfully.

If and when you have another breakup, start it on the right foot. Think of it this way: If you lose a ton of respect by the way you handle the breakup, you’ll have to work that much harder to earn it back. So, no matter who initiates the breakup, handle it respectfully. Talk in person whenever possible. Use “I” statements to explain your feelings, not “you” statements that blame the other person. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t make hurtful comments to get back at them or to mask your own pain. Here are some examples of respectful “I” statements: “I like you and I’m happy we got to know each other, but I just don’t see a future for us.” “I want to break up, but I hope we can remain friendly.” “I’m sorry if this is hard for you to hear, but I know this is the right decision for me.”