Finding the Right Time
Wait to introduce your boyfriend to your children. After you've been dating your boyfriend for about six months and see this as a more exclusive relationship, consider introducing him to your kids. But nonetheless, talking about your children with your boyfriend early will help to set the tone for when he does meet them. Naturally during this time, your dialogue with your child should vary according to their age (this will be discussed later in the article). Avoid introducing him too soon to your kids. You want to make sure that your connection with him is strong before he starts to feel like "part of the family." It's the same way with possibly introducing him to your parents. Meeting too soon might be uncomfortable. Consider waiting six months to a year of dating before introducing your new boyfriend to your children. Your kids may not be ready before then to see a potential new "father figure." Contact between your boyfriend and your kids should gradually increase over time.
Talk with both your boyfriend and children ahead of time. Both your boyfriend and your children should be made aware of an upcoming time that they all will meet. Allow both sides to ask you questions before the day of. Your boyfriend and your children may both be uneasy about meeting. Both adults and children can be awkward sometimes when meeting new people, regardless of the circumstances. Provide guidance and reassurance. Avoid making assumptions that your boyfriend will fall in love with your kids immediately, or vice versa. Keep your expectations in check. Consider saying to your boyfriend, "I know it may be awkward at first, but I was hoping for you to meet my kids next week. What do you think?"
Find a low-key, group setting for introductions. The first introduction shouldn't involve a big event, or a long-weekend trip. Avoid possible high-stress events or places that could be draining for both your children and your boyfriend. Consider these types of settings: A backyard BBQ with the kids and friends At a park with a play area for the afternoon A Wednesday night dinner at home
Avoid making the introduction a big deal. While it may seem nerve-racking to you, try not to make it a big deal to your boyfriend or your kids. It may take time for things to go smoothly. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep the initial visit brief and work up to longer visits. That way anxiety on either side won't eventually get the best of you and cause the visit to break down. Play it cool, and be easy-going. Respect that your boyfriend may take some time to warm up to your kids and vice versa. Building friendships and relationships take time. Consider preparing a few neutral topics for everybody to discuss to relieve both parties from the pressure to carry the conversation. Consider mutual interests and avoid any topics that could cause tension, like politics.
Having Your Kids' Perspective
Be mindful of your child's age when making introductions. A younger child may not understand what a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is. They may just see your boyfriend as someone to have fun and play with. An older child (likely above 11 or 12) might be more aware of the relationship that you and your boyfriend have. If your children are older than 12, consider ways to talk with them about your boyfriend. You may want to discuss with your children about your boyfriend before they meet in person. If your children are really little, like four years old or less, they may not have much interaction with your boyfriend other than to play, and that's okay.
Introduce your boyfriend in a straightforward manner. Don't make it awkward by trying too hard. If you share too much too soon, it may make your child, and your boyfriend, confused about what's really going on. For your younger kids, you may want to introduce him as "your friend." Younger kids have a limited understanding of your relationship on a romantic level. Keep it simple when giving an introduction. For your teenage kids, you may want to be direct and introduce your boyfriend and your teen by first names. Keep the conversation light. If your older kids have questions, allow them to share their feelings after the meeting with your boyfriend is over. You don't need to explicitly state that your boyfriend is "your boyfriend" or "your special friend."
Allow your children to act like themselves. When your boyfriend meets your kids, allow your kids to be as they are normally when they meet with your friends or relatives. Don't make them act in a strange or new manner that they may not be used to doing. Do not make your children hug your boyfriend hello or goodbye. A handshake is appropriate, but you want your child to be secure about their personal space. Let the child decide when they are ready to display affection. Giving a false impression of who you and your children are may make it more difficult for your boyfriend to trust you and see how you truly are. Allow interactions between you, your kids, and your boyfriend to flow naturally. Provide your children reassurance if they appear concerned when meeting your boyfriend.
Being Honest with Your Boyfriend
Be honest. When you're first dating, it's important to be honest, particularly about if you have kids. After a few dates, it shouldn't be a surprise to the person you're dating that you have children. You don't need to talk at length about your kids, but be honest that your kids are a part of your life. Be calm and clear about your situation, and that you have children. While it may be tough to tell a new boyfriend, it's tougher to start a relationship off on the wrong foot. Be confident that being a single parent is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows that you are strong and nurturing.
Listen to your boyfriend about his thoughts on children. Find out what your boyfriend thinks about children. Does he like kids? Does he have kids of his own? Does he enjoy doing family things? If you are wanting a long-term relationship with your boyfriend, you need to really listen to how he responds. See how your boyfriend interacts with children in public. Does he seem irritated by them? Watch his body language when you both talk about children. Does he seem nervous, or excited when talking about being with kids? Think about how often your boyfriend interacts with children now. If he's not a parent, he may have little interaction with kids. Some people may have less experience with kids, but still enjoy being with them.
Find out if this is a long-term relationship. If you've been dating your boyfriend for a few months or more, you may want to find out what his (and your) intentions are. Are you looking for someone long-term? If so, you need to find out if he feels that same way. He needs to know that your kids are part of the package, and getting to know your kids is important. Think about if you both have the same values about family and children. Do you see yourself with him in a year? Or five years? If you see this relationship as a casual fling, you may be less inclined to tell him about having kids. But if you become exclusive, think about what the next steps in the relationship mean to you and him.
Comments
0 comment