Responding Constructively
Keep calm. The first thing you need to do when you are starting to get annoyed is to simply keep your cool. If you find a way to stay calm you will be better equipped to handle the annoyance rather than losing your cool and making the situation worse. Staying calm can sometimes actually influence your brother’s behavior and may cause him to stop what he is doing. Take some deep breaths. Count to ten. Think of something you enjoy. All of these can help you stay calm. If he starts tapping you on the shoulder, don’t immediately smack at him. Take a second to think before you act. Keep your voice to a normal talking level rather than yelling. Keep in mind that your brother probably isn't being disrespectful for the sake of being disrespectful. His disrespect likely indicates that he's feeling and experiencing some things that he doesn't understand, like jealousy or insecurity.
Don’t lash out or get angry. Anger is like an infection and it will spread through you, increase, and can ruin your whole day. Telling yourself in the moment of annoyance that you are not going to get angry can have a huge impact on your overall attitude. Plus, if you do react in anger you might make things worse. You may end up causing physical violence or hurting your brother’s feelings in a way that will have lasting effects. Getting angry in this situation also means that you have given your brother power over your emotions which you don’t want to do. Getting angry could show them that you are weaker than he is and especially for younger brothers this might not be the outcome you want. If their goal was to make you angry, you have shown them that whatever they are doing works.
Ignore them. This one may be really hard to actually do, but it can be effective. If the person is specifically trying to annoy you, then they want to get a reaction from you. If you can stay calm and completely ignore them, it just might make them give up what they are doing. You may have to maintain this posture of ignoring longer than you want to, but making your point could be worth it. Ignore them by not talking and not even looking at them. This can also be a good time to put headphones in your ears if they keep talking and you can’t ignore it anymore. Headphones will ideally block the sound of their voice making it easier to ignore them. Maybe your brother is repeating everything you say. Two options that might work are to keep talking as if it doesn’t bother you or stop talking completely. If you keep talking, he might actually get tired of having to repeat you. If you stop talking, he can’t repeat anything you say.
Get out of the situation. Sometimes you can’t ignore what your brother is doing, but you can go somewhere else in the house, or go outside, or actually leave the place entirely. When ignoring is not an option, or you try it and it doesn’t work, the best thing to do is simply walk away from him. This is a physical way to avoid potential conflict. Be clear about how much time you need for yourself, whether that's one hour, a night, or a full day. Otherwise, your brother might try to follow you and continue the conversation. If he follows you to where you went, you can try once more to go to another spot. If he continues following you, other techniques are called for. Depending on the situation and what your brother is doing, you might be able to go sit in the room your parents are in. You don't even have to say anything, but it might be enough to make him stop doing what he was doing. Remember—if you express that you need space, you're also responsible for reconnecting with your brother after that time has passed.
Communicating With Your Brother
Ask if they are being annoying on purpose. Sometimes brothers do things on purpose to annoy you, but maybe the thing they are doing is not meant to be annoying. If they seem to be doing something on their own, without regard to you, it can be beneficial to simply ask them if they are intending to be annoying. You can tell them the thing annoys you and respectfully ask them if they will stop. For example, your brother might start tapping his foot and you can hear it across the room. It’s likely that even though it annoyed you, he was doing it without thinking. This can be a time to ask if he is doing it on purpose. You can say, “It’s kind of annoying me that you are doing (fill in the blank). Are you doing on purpose?” If they say no, you can politely ask them to stop. “Would you please stop then because it’s making it hard for me to concentrate.” Try to approach the conversation from a place of understanding rather than judgment, since he might not even understand his behavior himself.
Say something kind to your brother. This can be a good avoidance technique because it will bring positivity to an otherwise negative situation. Tell your brother something that you really like or appreciate about them. This will also serve to throw him off and confuse him which could distract him from the annoying behavior. You can say, “I love you,” tell him he is really cool, or say how much fun you have with him. Tell him he is a great brother. You can also repeat this to him multiple times which could actually annoy him and get him to leave you alone.
Laugh at the annoying thing. Since sometimes your brother is seeking your attention, you may be able to get them to stop by giving them your attention by laughing at the annoying behavior. This is potentially risky because it might only spur them on more, but it can act to diffuse the tension as well. You may even change your own attitude about it if you fake laughter at first because you might end up laughing for real. Maybe your brother starts making a seal noise and he just won’t stop. He probably knows it’s annoying and he may be doing it on purpose. If you laugh and compliment how accurate his sound is, that may be enough to get him to stop.
Give them something to do. Your brother might be annoying you simply because he is bored and doesn’t know what else to do. You can work with this. Give him a specific task to do or give him an idea of something fun. You might have a chore that you don’t want to do and you could convince him you can’t do it. Tell him you really need his help to do the thing you can’t do. Or just give him an idea like tell him to go ride his bike or read a book. He may just not have thought of something fun. You could even trick him by saying, “Man, I really wish I could go play with our racetrack right now but I have to finish what I am doing.” If you are lucky, this will make him want to go do that thing and he’ll leave you alone.
Making Long-Term Adjustments
Learn to not be annoyed by consistent actions. The thing your brother is doing that annoys you may be some type of long term practice or habit that he has. If this is the case, and if he shows no signs of stopping, you need to find a way to accept the behavior and learn to not be annoyed with it. If it goes on long enough and you get used to ignoring it, it may not even annoy you any more. This is a place of peace and calm that you can try to get to. For example, you might have a younger brother who always takes your CDs, books, clothes, or anything else and you can’t get him to stop. Start to consider that the reason he does this is that he likes the stuff you like and wants to be like you. Maybe you can even lend him stuff sometimes so he won’t have to take it. Maybe he clears his throat a lot, and it gets on your nerves. If you try to remember that he is only doing it out of necessity, you might not find it so annoying.
Let each instance of annoyance go. If your brother is annoying on a regular basis, each separate time can start to build up and make things worse each time. If you remember every time he annoyed you and you hold onto it, those memories will fuel your annoyance later on. Learn to let each separate annoying action go and forget about it. This will help you avoid a buildup effect over time. At the end of each day, write down what your brother did that was annoying and throw the paper away. By specifically naming it, making physical evidence of it, and then dropping it in the trash, you may be able to forget about it. Don’t mention the annoying things your brother did two weeks ago. It may give him the idea to do it again or it may just make you mad all over again even if he doesn’t repeat it.
Set up boundaries and make deals. If you make some rules and agreements between the two of you, you can avoid some annoying situations in the future. Think about the things that are consistently annoying and come up with ways to avoid those. If you can make these rules and stick to them, you will make progress. For example, if you know that your brother always annoys you when you are working on homework, set up a rule that he has to leave you alone during homework time, but you will play with him right after you do your homework. Make a deal that you will not go in each other’s room or touch the other’s stuff without asking. If there are specific things that your brother does that annoy you, see if you can convince him not to do that thing around you. You can negotiate by offering to stop a behavior of yours when you are around him.
See the annoyance as training for life. You will always encounter people who annoy you, and having siblings can help you learn early in life how to deal with the annoyance. Changing the way that you think of the annoying behavior can be helpful. Consider your brother as a training course in anger management, tolerance, and patience. It is a hard attitude to adopt, but if you can do it, you will be less annoyed in the moment and you’ll be developing a valuable skill for the future. If you have a brother that talks non-stop, remember that you will encounter people like that your whole life. You can begin practicing methods of listening better or find ways to make them stop talking. Maybe your brother asks you the same question over and over again even when you have already answered him. People often have a hard time hearing or paying attention, so you may have to repeat yourself a lot later in life anyway. Learn to do it patiently even when you are annoyed.
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