- Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) refers to a relationship in which a person has more than one partner, with the express consent and awareness of everyone involved.
- Consensual non-monogamy is stigmatized as dysfunctional or not meaningful, but in fact, people in CNM relationships report high levels of trust and relationship satisfaction.
- Benefits of CNM relationships include a larger social network, the freedom to explore one’s sexuality, and less jealousy and insecurity.
Consensual Non-Monogamy at a Glance
CNM relationships involve multiple partners, with all partners' consent. Consensual non-monogamy is a catch-all term covering a range of romantic and sexual relationships, but in essence, it’s any relationship involving multiple people in which all parties are aware of and consent to the nature of the relationship. The consent of everyone involved is what differentiates consensual non-monogamy from infidelity. There are many different types of consensual non-monogamy, including: Polyamory, in which a person engages in multiple romantic (and often sexual) relationships with the awareness and consent of everyone involved Group marriage, in which multiple people make up a single familial unit and each person is considered to be “married” to all the others Polyfidelity, in which people may have multiple sexual partners, but all partners are part of an exclusive group Polygamy, in which one spouse has multiple spouses who are not married to one another (note that polygamy is not considered consensual non-monogamy unless all of the polygamist's partners are aware of their partner's multiple spouses) Open relationships or open marriages, in which one or both parties in a committed monogamous relationship agree to explore sexual (but not emotional) relationships with outside partners (couples usually establish firm boundaries regarding their non-monogamy prior to opening the relationship)
Benefits of Consensual Non-Monogamy
People in CNM relationships report overall satisfaction and trust. While consensual non-monogamy is often stigmatized as dysfunctional or as promoting infidelity or jealousy, studies actually indicate the opposite is true. People in ethically non-monogamous relationships may find non-monogamy just as satisfying and fulfilling as monogamy. Moreover, people in CNM relationships tend to report lower levels of jealousy and insecurity. People in CNM relationships may experience greater trust partly because they tend to communicate more effectively than folks in monogamous relationships. This isn’t to say those in monogamous relationships aren’t satisfied or committed or that they don’t trust their partners, just that the freedom to choose the relationship style that works for you is likely to boost your overall relationship satisfaction.
CNM may be a way to explore one’s sexuality. Many people opt for consensual non-monogamy not because they are lacking something or because a single partner isn’t “enough,” but because being with multiple people may afford them the ability to expand their sexual horizons. Being with new partners may allow a person to explore their sexual preferences, fetishes, and kinks, and it may have positive effects on their self-esteem. Monogamy doesn’t always lead to infidelity, but opening a monogamous relationship may be a safer option for couples in which one or both partners wants to explore their sexuality outside the relationship or wherein both partners have incompatible sex drives.
People in CNM relationships typically enjoy a larger social network. In a monogamous relationship, both partners may feel pressure to remain emotionally and sexually exclusive. However, consensually non-monogamous people have the freedom to experience multiple meaningful sexual or emotional relationships with a wide variety of people.
Why is consensual non-monogamy stigmatized?
Consensual non-monogamy is sometimes viewed as immoral. Monogamy is often viewed through rose-tinted glasses and is assumed to be the “natural” way to have a meaningful relationship. Some people associate non-monogamy with promiscuity and a lack of “true love.” Some opponents of CNM believe it is harmful to children because they assume children need two committed monogamous (and often cisgender and heterosexual) parents in order to be safe and thrive, which isn’t true: in fact, children frequently benefit from having multiple caretakers.
CNM relationships are sometimes assumed to oppress women. It is sometimes assumed that in a non-monogamous relationship involving men and women, non-monogamy is the man’s preference and the women or woman involved in the relationship simply “goes along” with non-monogamy. This viewpoint not only puts unfair onus on men, but removes sexual agency from women.
CNM may be perceived as yielding lower relationship quality. The idea persists that committing to a monogamous relationship is the only way to have a satisfying or “real” relationship. Because of this, consensual non-monogamous relationships are sometimes viewed as “dysfunctional.”
Some people believe CNM is unsafe or unhealthy. Because non-monogamy often involves sexual relationships with multiple partners (but does not always), many people make the mistake of believing CNM leads to a greater risk of contracting and spreading STIs. Monogamy, on the other hand, is assumed to come with fewer health risks. In cases where a monogamous couple is truly monogamous, the risk of STIs is low, but in fact, unfaithful monogamous partners are more likely to engage in unsafe sex practices than those in CNM relationships.
How to Tell if Non-Monogamy Is Right for You
Your ideal relationship involves multiple partners. It’s the most obvious answer, but it needs to be said: if your ideal relationship involves more than one partner, ethical non-monogamy may be worth experimenting with. If you’re in a relationship, consider what it would be like to involve another person (or 2 or 3) in your relationship, or to open your relationship up. If you’re single, imagine your ideal future partner: would you feel comfortable sharing them? Would you prefer to share them? If you’re currently in a relationship and feeling dissatisfied, be sure to ask yourself if you’re dissatisfied with monogamy, or with your current partner themselves. Think of it this way: would you like to add someone to your relationship? Or would you like a whole different relationship entirely?
You take challenging emotions in stride. Notice that we didn’t say “You don’t get jealous or insecure.” If you’re used to monogamy and you open up your relationship or get involved with a group of people, you very likely will get insecure at some point, especially at the beginning. But if you welcome the challenge of navigating complex feelings, non-monogamy may not just be doable, but right for you: a CNM relationship may force you to confront insecurities you might not otherwise, and in confronting them, you might overcome them (at least somewhat). Besides, not only do monogamous people experience insecurity and jealousy, they tend to experience more of these emotions than those in CNM relationships do: insecurity is one of the leading predictors of divorce in monogamous marriages.
You’re OK with your partner(s) being non-monogamous. Many people in monogamous relationships may fantasize about seeing other people, but don’t like the idea of their partner having the same freedom. If this is the case for you, non-monogamy may not be right for you. If, however, you’re not bothered by the idea of your partner being with someone else, CNM may be your ideal relationship style. If you are in a monogamous relationship and fantasize about being with other people, it doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy is wrong for you. Fantasy is healthy even within exclusive relationships, but if you fantasize about being with other people constantly, it could mean your current partner isn’t right for you.
You want to expand your sexual horizons. Some people opt for non-monogamy because they feel tied down by sexual or romantic exclusivity or because they’re in an exclusive relationship but have unmet sexual needs. In this case, it might be worth considering a non-monogamous relationship. If you’re in a relationship already and would like to open it up, broach the topic with your partner gently, and be sure to lead by reassuring them you love them and that there are many things you appreciate about your current relationship: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love our life together. But I was wondering how you would feel about maybe opening the relationship? Could we talk about it?”
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