- Men are less likely than women to seek intimate moments in the days after sex, which might explain why he seems distant.
- If he seems detached or moody afterward, he may be processing his own feelings, just as you’re processing yours. Give him a day or two to work through it.
- Or, sex might mean something different to him than to you. Have an honest conversation with your partner about your expectations—sexual and emotional.
Reasons He Acts Different After Sex
He doesn’t want a relationship. When he acts distant or detached after sex, it could be because he doesn’t want to lead you on. He might only want sex or a friends with benefits situation, or he might even be nervous about entering a relationship. It’s not personal, but he’s trying to find the line between a fun time and a more involved commitment. This is even more likely if he only hits you up for sex, makes excuses not to hang otherwise, or ghosts you altogether. He has his own reasons, but remember that they have no bearing on your own self-worth. If he vanishes after, that’s his own loss. Save your energy for someone who knows that you're worth sticking around for.
You want different things, biologically. Statistically, women tend to want something more lasting, whether that means a long-term relationship or just repeated sex, and are more prone to feeling rejected when a sexual relationship ends after 1 hookup. Now consider that men are more prone to seeking a new short-term sexual relationship after sex with someone, and the math starts to look a bit wonky. All that to say that if he doesn’t hit you up again, it might be a case of mismatched biology, not a failure on your part. In addition, women typically desire more intimacy in the hours and days after sex, while men tend to want distance.
The thrill is over now that the chase is finished. For many men, the pursuit is half the fun, and a one-time thing is the endgame. The desire for sex is strong, and even just the act of chasing that desire brings pleasure. Afterward? Things might be less fun for him, which doesn’t feel too great when you’re wondering what went wrong. Don’t get us wrong, it’s still pretty rude of him to act enthusiastic beforehand and despondent afterward. But just know it’s got less to do with you and more to do with his own goals and immediate desires.
He’s working through his own feelings. Men can catch feelings after even a casual hookup, take it from us. And sometimes those feelings are hard to wrangle, even (and especially) when he told himself going into it that he wouldn’t get attached. If he’s acting strange as you lie in bed together, or in the days following, it could just be that he’s doing some processing. Shoot him a text to ask him what’s on his mind to break the silence, or just tell him what’s on your own mind to get things started. Anything from how your day went to what you enjoyed about seeing him. Reader Poll: We asked 270 wikiHow readers about what they wanted from their romantic life, and only 7% of people said they enjoyed periods of casual dating without building any lasting connections. [Take Poll] So if your ultimate goal is to move from casual to committed, that's totally normal (and your feelings are valid)!
He’s insecure about his performance. Sex isn’t a solo act. It takes 2 to tango, and he probably wants you to have as much fun as he does. But he might withdraw or act strange around you if if he doesn’t think he lived up to expectations, which is a feeling that can cause shame or embarrassment, especially if he thinks he disappointed you. If you think this might be the case, drop a casual comment via text to reassure him, like “That was fun!” or, “I had a good time.”
Sex didn’t mean as much to him as it did to you. We all have different relationships to sex, and it tends to mean different things to different people. Some men just don’t get as invested in the act itself as their female counterparts. He very well may have had a great time, but also maybe sex, to him, is on par with more mundane activities, like grabbing lunch. It’s not that he’s changed, just that everything’s still the same for him. Ask him about his favorite bonding activities, or how he likes to socialize. It could be that he looks for real intimacy elsewhere. Also, ask him out on a casual date, or even just a more platonic hangout. Getting a read for how he acts outside the bedroom will inform how he acts under the covers. If you ask him to hang out elsewhere and he turns you down, then at least you know where you stand.
He’s having second thoughts about it. The word “regret” gets thrown around a lot when talking about sex, but we want to be clear that chances are he doesn’t regret the sex with you, specifically. Sex brings a cocktail of emotions, and he may be questioning those emotions, or why he opened himself up to feel them at all. That’s not to mention how what we want before sex and what we realize we want after sometimes don’t add up. It could be he was after a different kind of connection, and regrets turning to sex to try to find it.
You didn’t have sexual chemistry. There’s more to “bad” sex than just poor performance. Often, we need a different sort of connection than just the physical kind to really enjoy our time in bed. Sometimes, that connection just isn’t there. If he seems unhappy afterward, or doesn’t hit you up again, it could just mean that the two of you didn’t share that spark. Remember that nothing ventured, nothing gained. Try again and see if you can find the spark, or just accept that he’s not your fit, but that you’ll find your fit one day.
He’s just a little awkward. You probably had some good chemistry in the minutes up to and during sex. But now that it’s over, he might just not know how to handle himself. After all, he’s just been with a girl as great as you, and now he’s worried about sticking the landing. What matters now is whether or not you two connect later. If he hits you up, or agrees to see you again, you can rest assured that he’s into you. Invite him to a low-stakes meetup, like a group hangout or just drinks at a bar. Making the first move after this big event lets him know that there’s nothing to feel awkward about, and that you enjoy being around him.
He needs a moment to collect himself. We’re talking biologically here. After the rush of endorphins and physical sensations, men’s bodies enter something of a “cooldown” period. During this time, he’s physically sensitive and needs some time for his body to get itself in order. And those chemicals and endorphins may have him out-of-sorts mentally, too, as he comes back down to earth. It’s a sensitive time, physically and emotionally. He might become irritable if you push him while he’s still regaining himself. Leave him be for a few minutes if he seems a little withdrawn right after. In addition, your own oxytocin—another pesky brain chemical—may have made you romanticize him a bit. It could be that he’s the same as before, but you’re just seeing him now without the chemical buzz. If he falls asleep right after, it’s got less to do with your own performance and more to do with the prolactin released during sex, which is a brain chemical associated with sleep cycles.
What to Do After Sex
Give him some space if he wants it. Endorphins, emotions, plain old exhaustion—it’s more than likely he’s got a lot on his mind and needs some time to rest and recoup. If he turns away, let him have a few days to himself before you let yourself wonder about what it means. Even you have to give him space to gather his feelings, he might come right back to his usual self with a little time. If you’re at a loss for how to act after sex, just treat him you would before you hooked up. Be friendly and open, and don’t push the subject of your night together if he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it.
Show him that you're happy being independent. Since men tend to want a bit of distance after sex, it might be best to show him that you don’t mind giving him that. But as you do, also show him that you have your own life to lead, which is a good way to reel him back in when he finds out that yes, actually, he wants to be a part of that life. If you follow each other on social media, post a pic of you doing something fun, like getting drinks with a friend, after the hookup. He’ll see it and know that you’re not just waiting by the phone for him to call. If you want to be really aloof, wait for him to hit you up first. Sometimes a guy just needs a quick reality check to realize that he’s gotta chase you, and not the other way around.
Express how satisfied you are (if you are, in fact, satisfied). That uncomfy span afterward, whether it lasts hours or days, might just be a regular ol’ case of awkwardness. Break the tension by telling him you had fun, or by complimenting his performance. Say it in a text so that he can reply in his own time, without feeling too much pressure. You don’t have to lie if you didn’t enjoy it, but if you still want to cut the tension, ask him about his plans in the coming days, or just tell him that you’d like to see him again.
Have an honest talk about how you feel. Even casual hookups require some careful navigating. Sometimes it’s not quite enough to just up and leave after, which can leave you feeling a bit dissatisfied. After a day or two, tell him where your head is and what you think about your time together, or even just sex in general. It’s a good way to open the door for more serious talks. Say something like, “I’m glad we did this. Now I’m just wondering what you’re thinking,” or even just a classic, “Penny for your thoughts?”
Ask him what he wants from your relationship. You don’t have to spring serious commitment on him the moment you’re finished, but later, ask him what he’s looking for so that the both of you are on the same page. Knowing what he expects from the relationship helps you to manage your own expectations. Say, “What’s your take on hookups?” or, “No pressure, but I really want to know what you want out of this.” If he says he wants to keep it casual, then don’t think too hard about how he acts afterward. It’s just casual, after all.
Keep your own expectations in check. Take a deep breath, drink a glass of water, then ask yourself: was he really partner material, or were you just deciding he was because you slept together? Sex is fun, yes, but a wise woman once said, “A hookup does not a relationship make.” Take stock of what you know about him, and compare that to the list of things you want in a potential partner. Then, when you find yourself yearning for that followup text, consult that list and ask yourself if that’s what you really want. Some advice: If he gives you the cold shoulder or keeps you waiting to hear from him, he’s not that serious. You deserve a man who makes it clear that he wants you.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health After Sex
Ask yourself if you enjoyed the experience, or what you learned. Even if it seems like a one-and-done deal, that doesn’t mean it was pointless. If you enjoyed yourself, then it was worthwhile, regardless of what comes next. Plus, this experience might have told you more about yourself—if you form attachments after sex, or just what you want from sex more generally. Take that newfound wisdom into your next relationship. If you feel up to it, reach out and thank him for the time you spent together. Even if you part ways, ending with a friendly gesture helps you feel better about the experience.
See things from his perspective, and accept that you weren’t a match. Ask yourself if your own disappointment is a case of mismatched expectations. He may have wanted one thing from the interaction, while you wanted another. It’s hard to handle, we know, but there’s also some closure in realizing that you weren’t meant to be something more from the start. Consider all the confused emotions you have, then understand that he’s probably feeling something similar, but his response differed from yours. People are complicated! But you’re only responsible for your own actions, not his.
Talk about the experience with a close friend. The situation can feel stifling because it’s just between you and him, but it doesn’t have to be. Find a close friend who doesn’t mind talking openly about your intimacy, and explain to them how you feel. An outside perspective, or even just a shoulder to lean on, can bring a whole lot of clarity and closure. Ideally, talk to someone who knows your relationship history. They might know more than you about how you operate and why you feel the way you do.
Ask yourself what you want from a relationship. Going into a hookup—or any other romantic pursuit—without an idea of what you want out of it is a dangerous game, but identifying what you do want afterward can help shed some light on your current emotions. Do you want a relationship? Or are you just looking for some casual satisfaction? Are your expectations for a sexual partner realistic? Write down your intentions on a sticky note or in a diary. Externalizing them helps you to more clearly identify them and act accordingly in the future.
Be clear about your intentions when you get back on the market. To avoid any more confusing post-sex interactions, make your expectations clear and set your boundaries before sex. While you’re talking at a bar or chatting over messages, tell him what you want in plain, confident terms. He’ll appreciate that you know what you’re looking for. If you want something casual, say, “I’m just looking for a little fun. Not entirely on the relationship market right now.” If you’re looking for something more serious, say something like, “I’m down to have fun, but I am hoping for something long-term if the feeling is right.” Never put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable. If you’re not looking for casual sex at all, say, “I’m hoping to find something serious before I commit to an intimate relationship.”
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