What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
Why should you never eat a clock? It’s too time-consuming.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
A cow with a twitch is called what? Beef jerky.
Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.
Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Can you tell me what’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
I threw away my can opener. It was more of a can’t opener.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said, “Nothing, just bring a happy face.” I had to cancel.
You know you’re a true 90s kid… When you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punchline.
My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says, "WOW!"
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, "Doctor, I was bitten by my dog." The doctor checks, "Did you put anything on it?" "No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments."
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"The horse says, "Evolution."
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, "What’s your favorite type of music?" The other says, "I’m a big metal fan."
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
At a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they’re going to die."
A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
You know why they called it "the dark ages?" There were too many knights.
I was drinking a martini, and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
Me: I’d like to travel. My bank account: To work?
I asked the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can’t make Tuesdays."
RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting c– MOO!
What’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?Just stand in the middle of a busy road!
Teacher says to the children, "Every minute I stand here talking to you, 12 people die." Little Johnny raises his hand. "Perhaps you could try some mouthwash?"
Three fish are in a tank. One asked the others, "How the heck do you drive this thing?"
Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" Me: "No, just leave it in the carton!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
What does an organ donor do when he dies? He mingles in the crowd.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What is written on a dentist’s grave? He’s filling his last cavity.
What is red and extremely bad for your teeth? A flying brick.
Where was the Constitution signed? At the bottom.
How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing? Snip the rope.
What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken.
Scientific fact! If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What’s white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. ...Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
Have you heard about the butter rumor? Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
What did one Frenchman say to the other Frenchman? How on Earth would I know? I don’t speak French.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they tried lifting the other one, they’d fall over.
Why did Mozart hate chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
Why are elevator jokes so classic? They work on many levels.
What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1forest1
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
A flat earther’s only fear…is sphere itself.
I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.
I'm going to try on my new reversible jacket after work today. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
I can't stand kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam.
How do I eat consciously? You try not to lose consciousness when eating.
What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
What do you do if your eyes are dry? Moisturize.
What has two wings but can't fly, two legs but can't walk, and two eyes but can't see? A dead bird.
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why are there fences around cemeteries? Everyone’s always dying to get in.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed some space.
I threw away my can opener. It was really more of a can’t opener.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Did you hear about the beautiful wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one.
I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
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