Remind yourself that you deserve love, and explore your own identify before committing to someone new. Reflect on your previous break ups, and determine what you want out of a relationship. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller says to “be patient and know that [love] will come when the time is right.”
Go easy on yourself.
Understand that it’s normal to feel confused about your feelings. The parts of your brain that deal with falling in love are the same parts that handle physical pain and even addiction. Falling in love can feel wonderful, but it can also cause serious emotional and even physical distress when you experience the loss of that love. Time can help you recover, but it’s not a process you can rush.
Affirm that you deserve love.
It can be hard to believe that you deserve to be loved. This is especially true if you have experienced relationships that focused on criticizing your imperfections rather than accepting you as a person. However, everyone is worthy of being loved, and you can help develop that sense of worthiness by practicing loving yourself. Learning to practice self-compassion can help you increase your feelings of self-worth. Self-compassion involves three basic elements: self-kindness (accepting yourself as a flawed but worthwhile human being), common humanity (understanding that all humans make mistakes), and mindfulness (recognizing and accepting experiences without judging them). If you catch yourself making generalizing statements such as “I’ll never find someone who loves me” or “Nobody wants me,” try to find evidence that challenges these statements, such as “I haven’t found a romantic relationship yet, but I do have friends who like to be around me” or “My value does not depend on whether others want me. I am worthy of love because I am human.” Psychologists have demonstrated that challenging these self-negating beliefs can actually change how you feel about yourself.
Try meditation or mindfulness training.
Practicing mindfulness is a core element of self-compassion. It can also help you during times of stress or anxiety. One of the most damaging things about experiencing the loss of a relationship is playing the “what if” game with yourself: “What if I’d said something different?” “What if I’d been taller/shorter/funnier?” Dwelling on all of the possible ways things could have turned out differently will prevent you from being able to move on and find new happiness. Meditation, which focuses on being present in the moment, can help you get over obsessing about the past.
Explore your own identity.
Understand your core identity before committing to a relationship with someone else. Knowing who you are, what you want, and what you value will help you determine what things you can compromise on and what are genuine deal-breakers. Understanding yourself will also help you avoid looking for a relationship to “fulfill” things for you that you can only fulfill yourself. Many things about a person can and do change, but we usually all have some core values that tend to remain constant throughout our lives, such as ambition, honesty, consistency, flexibility, or vulnerability. These beliefs guide our behavior, choices, and actions. Understanding what these are for you will help you find someone who shares them. Other important things about yourself to consider could be whether or not you feel the desire to have children, how you approach earning and managing money, your decision-making processes, and your need to find a partner who shares your religious beliefs.
Determine what you want.
Many people want the same basic things out of a romantic relationship. However, how desires like love, support, and companionship manifest themselves vary between people. Take some time to explore your emotional needs and priorities and how your ideal partner could fulfill those. Figure out what is essential, and what you could comfortably compromise on. Keep your expectations realistic. It’s quite appropriate and healthy to desire a partner who respects and supports you; without those behaviors, you can’t have a healthy relationship. However, it’s not healthy to need a partner to make you feel “whole” or “worthwhile.” Those are needs you can only meet for yourself. It’s common to have a list of “must-haves” for a partner, but therapists say that the most important “must-have” in a romantic relationship is someone who shares your core values. For example, if you value emotional openness and the other person doesn’t, it will be very difficult for you to maintain a fulfilling relationship.
Consider what works well in your other relationships.
Think about the other relationships you have that you feel satisfied by. What feelings do you experience in those relationships, and why? How do those people relate to you and express their feelings for you? Also consider the types of friends you tend to have. While most of us have friends with very different personalities, in many cases they will still possess core traits that allow us to form fulfilling relationships with them. For example, if you notice that most of your close friends are extroverts, you may want to look for a partner who is extroverted. If you tend to have very openly affectionate friends, a partner who is less emotionally demonstrative might not satisfy your needs.
Reflect on what happened with past relationships.
It’s tempting to forget your ex after a breakup, but that's not a good idea. Research has demonstrated that people who reflect on their recent break-ups actually recover more quickly and easily than those who don’t engage in this reflection. Expressing your feelings, whether to a therapist, a friend or to yourself in a journal, can help you recover from the emotional damage of a break-up and reinforce your positive sense of self. Reflection can also help you pinpoint any unhealthy or unproductive behaviors that occurred in your last relationship; often, those same behaviors will come back to haunt your new relationship unless you take action to change yourself and how you search for romance.
Avoid the “fantasy bond” when forming a new relationship.
This term was coined by psychologist Robert Firestone. It describes a phenomenon that happens all too often in new relationships: Because of defensive behaviors established due to past hurts, the individuals within a couple abandon their individual identities and interests to merge into a single unit, in the hopes that it will completely fulfill and protect them. This causes issues because it doesn’t allow either partner to live as a unique individual within a healthy couple relationship. It fosters dependency, possessiveness, and putting the other person into a set “role” rather than accepting the challenges that come with real adult relationships. Signs of a “fantasy bond”-based relationship include: Difficulty in expressing interests or ideas other than those you share with your partner Relying on everyday routines for intimacy rather than emotional closeness Overusing “we” statements, speaking for the other person Defining yourself as a “role” (wife, mother, breadwinner, father) rather than developing personal goals and interests Discomfort in pursuing any activities or interests on your own, without your partner (or discomfort if your partner does these things)
Establish meaningful communication with the other person.
It can be hard for you to open up if you've been hurt in a past relationship. However, if you want to develop a healthy, happy romantic relationship, meaningful communication is essential. Talk about your ideas, goals, and interests. The ability to share what’s most important to you with another person is one of the highlights of romantic relationships. Avoid mind-reading. Especially if you feel like you know someone well, it can be tempting to “read between the lines” when they say something, particularly if that something has upset you. For example, if your significant other forgot an important date for you, a mind-reading response would be: “You forgot this because you don’t really care what’s important to me.” If you find yourself or your significant other saying things like “If you really loved me you would….” take a step back. Ask the other person what happened; don’t make assumptions.
Invite self-disclosure from the other person.
Research psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron has famously developed a list of 36 questions that foster interpersonal intimacy. These include questions like “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?” These work because good questions do more than ask about surface-level interests; they invite discussion about the other person’s hopes, dreams, goals, and values.
Try not to idealize your partner.
It can be easy to idealize the other person as “the one." The problem with this is that nobody can live up to that ideal, and when you finally come to that realization, you may end up overreacting to discovering your partner’s flaws. While you don’t want to dwell on or overly criticize your partner’s flaws, acknowledging them is healthy. All humans have flaws and make mistakes; being honest about this will help you accept the other person for who they are, rather than an idea of what you want them to be.
Be yourself.
If your significant other really loves you, they will accept you for who you are, flaws and all. S/he should also accept that you have interests of your own that give meaning to your life, and should not attempt to keep you from enjoying healthy pursuits. Being yourself in a romantic relationship not only gives you the freedom to be happy and fulfilled, it allows the other person to express themselves and experience that freedom too. Particularly if you’ve experienced abusive or traumatic relationships in the past, it can be easy to feel as though you need to change yourself to make yourself “lovable” to the other person. However, while we all make small changes (keeping the house neater, showing up on time, etc.) to accommodate the other person’s needs, you should not feel as though you need to “settle” for someone who mistreats you or makes you feel as though you need to change something fundamental about yourself to make them happy. If you feel afraid to express your true feelings, or if you worry about acting as you normally would around your partner, you may not be in a relationship that’s healthy for you.
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