Date for at least 1 year before marriage.
Relationship experts agree it takes a year to fully get to know someone. The first few months of a relationship are generally called the “honeymoon” phase, where you’re so infatuated with your partner that it’s easy to overlook potential problems. Even if you’ve been friends for a while, it’s better to fully move past the honeymoon phase before considering a commitment like marriage. Even when you’re positive that the feelings are real, a few months is rarely enough to learn everything about your partner or understand how you’ll permanently function as a pair. You need enough time to see your partner at their worst and their best. That way, you can be reassured that you’ll outlast any challenge together in the marriage.
Get to know each other better by dating for 2 years.
A year is the minimum, but dating for longer can improve your relationship. In fact, research shows that dating for up to 2 years can reduce a couple’s chances of divorce by roughly 20%. While there are no guarantees, dating for longer can give you a better understanding of your partner, and even give you a chance to cohabitate before you tie the knot for real. You might be tempted to move more quickly since it’s your second marriage—and because you have more wisdom now, speed isn’t a bad thing. However, it’s still advised that you wait at least a year, if not two, before marriage.
Date for 3+ years to reduce the chance of divorce.
Couples that date for 3+ years tend to stay together longer. Research suggests an even smaller chance of divorce, with the likelihood dropping by 50% for 3 or more years of dating. It’s okay if you don’t want to wait 3 years, but if you do, use that time to get your relationship ready for marriage. Dating can be the buffer period that allows you to get to know one another inside and out and gain more confidence in the relationship.
Ask yourself why you want to remarry.
Ideally, you’re getting remarried because you’re truly in love. However, people can sometimes get remarried for the wrong reasons. They might feel peer pressure from friends and family or cave to internal pressure if they’re just tired of being single. You owe it to yourself and your partner to make sure that getting married is the right thing for both of you. Be honest with yourself, even if the true answer isn’t one you want to consider. You deserve to remarry for true love, and so does your partner.
Resolve problems from your old relationship.
Examine your last marriage and make sure you know why it ended. Often, couples in second marriages fail to fix past mistakes before tying the knot again—but if you had issues in your old marriage, they’ll probably come up again in the new one. Ask yourself whether you’re ready and take an honest, introspective look at any problems that might be lingering from your first marriage. It’s common to have negative emotions follow you after a divorce, whether you still resent your ex or struggle with commitment issues. Talk to your partner about any struggles you may be having and figure out the best way to help you heal so you’re ready to remarry. If you have trouble coming to terms with your first marriage by yourself, consider getting a therapist. They can give you support and valuable insights as you move forward with your new relationship.
Open up to your new partner.
Vulnerability is the key to communication and intimacy in a marriage. Use dating as a chance to master the art of opening up and to discuss your deepest thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Make sure your partner is fully committed to doing this, too. Start small with easy, everyday conversations, and graduate to talking about your hopes, dreams, fears, and plans for the future. As you slowly leave your comfort zone by building up to more vulnerable conversations, you’ll become more confident in your ability to do so. Let your walls down and welcome the trickier conversations you’ll have with your spouse. If you have trouble with vulnerability, try scheduling regular weekly talks with your partner and being open with one another during this time.
Discuss finances before getting engaged.
Finances can strain marriages, so decide how to handle money together. Compare your financial values and how you spend money: if one of you is a shopaholic and the other is frugal, you’ll probably have a conflict sooner or later. Come up with a plan for how the money will be handled when you’re married, and you can start your union on the same page. Make sure you cover all your bases: Compare one another’s income and overall financial situation, including debts, if either of you has them. Draft a savings plan and retirement plan for both of you. Figure out how you’d arrange a monthly budget. Make a plan for emergencies. How would you support one another if one lost their job?
Bond with your future stepchildren.
Before you blend families, consider how the kids feel about it. Whether your partner has kids, you do, or you both have them, it’ll take some work to create a cohesive family. Discuss step-parenting roles and ideas with your partner, and understand that love takes time. Spend quality time with future stepchildren (and allow your partner to do the same) before you marry. Kids are one reason that waiting 2+ years to remarry can be a good idea; too many changes at once can upset them. Make a plan for co-parenting with your partner to make the transition from two families to a blended household smoother.
Practice settling conflicts with your partner.
Your relationship will flourish if you healthily resolve arguments. Conflict is inevitable for any couple, and it’s not the lack of conflict that defines a great marriage—it’s the ability to overcome disagreements as a team. Understand that conflict is nothing to be afraid of, and work on communicating respectfully when you argue. Try to empathize during disagreements, so you can understand and graciously acknowledge one another’s perspectives. Make sure you’re fighting to understand one another and not fighting to win. You and your partner are a team, not opponents. Be willing to forgive and let go when an argument is pointless. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the healthier decision.
Set reasonable expectations for the marriage.
Comparing a new partner with your ex can cause problems. Once you start putting outdated expectations on your partner and thinking about your old marriage, you’ll find it difficult to cleanly begin the next chapter of your life. Your partner may feel pressured and inadequate, as well. Think about what you want from the new marriage, and leave your old relationship fully behind you. Rather than comparing and putting expectations on your partner, try to give them a confidence boost. Give them sincere compliments and touch them affectionately, whether you’re holding hands or cuddling on the couch.
Trust your instincts.
Ultimately, there’s no “correct” period of time to date. Some couples get married quickly and stay together forever, while some date for a long time and divorce soon. Relationships can differ based on what age you meet your spouse and how well you knew each other before you dated. At the end of the day, the care you give to your relationship is more important than how long you date. You can follow your instincts to a certain extent. But it is a serious impactful decision in your life, so it is better to take some time to think about it You can ask yourself whether the person makes you feel happy or counterbalances some of your weaknesses and strengths. Can you see yourself building a life with them.
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