How to Be Considerate

Learning Empathy

Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Before you talk to your friend, co-worker, neighbor, or teacher, ask yourself how that person might be feeling just then. Maybe you're mad at your roommate and want to tell her she's too messy, or you want to ask your best friend to stop calling you so much. Well, before you have a conversation about how you really feel, you need to think about how the other person would react, and to put yourself in their frame of mind. While you shouldn't have to change what you want to say completely to suit another person's needs, thinking of the situation from the other person's perspective can help you best articulate what you want to say while minimizing hurt feelings. Maybe your roommate is really messy, but she's also the one who does all of the grocery shopping. You should find a way to compliment her good qualities as well as her bad ones so she doesn't get defensive or feel like you don't appreciate her as a roommate. Maybe your best friend is calling a lot because she's been lonely ever since her boyfriend broke up with her. You can still say what you want to say, but be considerate of her feelings and try to think of it from her perspective before you proceed.

Anticipate the needs of others. Part of being considerate is knowing what people will need before they even realize it themselves. If you're going out for lunch with your coworkers, put down enough napkins for everybody. If you're going to the beach with some friends, bring an extra umbrella for them. If you know your husband is going to have a late night at the office, leave some dinner waiting for him in the fridge. Keep an eye out for what people need, even before they realize it themselves, in order to be a truly considerate person. People will be grateful and impressed by your thoughtfulness. You shouldn't do this because you want something in exchange, but because you genuinely want to help people.

Be considerate of others when you're in public. A lot of people tend not to think of their surroundings when they're out and about in public. The next time you're out, think about how what you're doing may be perceived by other people, and how they would react. You may think that loudly talking to your best friend on the phone at a coffee shop where everyone else is trying to study is inoffensive, when in reality, you may be driving the people around you crazy. Here are some other ways to make sure you're being considerate in public: Try to keep your voice at a normal level, whether you're on the phone or talking to friends Avoid taking up too much space If you're in class, avoid unwrapping something loudly or shuffling around so much that you cause a distraction Look where you're going instead of texting and walking

Be considerate of other people's financial situations. Before you ask your friends or people you know to pony up for something, you should consider their financial situation as much as you can. If your friend is broke, don't suggest that you go out for dinner at the fanciest place in town — unless it's your treat. You may not think about this if your finances are settled, but you don't want to put other people in an uncomfortable situation because they can't afford to pay. Here are some ways to make sure you're being considerate of other people's financial situations: If you're throwing a wedding, think about your guests. Can your bridesmaids really afford $200 dresses, or a trip to a bachelorette party in Tahiti? Can your guests really pay to fly across the country to celebrate you? Of course, it should be your event, but you should make sure that the people involved don't have to break their bank account to participate. If you're hanging out with people who don't have a lot of money, find cheaper things to do, like going to happy hour or a dive bar or watching a fun movie instead of going clubbing or going to the theatre. Don't embarrass people by making them admit that they can't afford to do things.

Being Considerate in Conversation

Choose your timing carefully. Part of being considerate is knowing the best time that you should say something. The most innocuous comment can come off as offensive if you say it at the wrong time. Make sure that the person or people you are talking to are in the right frame of mind to be receptive to your comment, and that you're not interrupting anything or causing complications with what you're saying. Here are some ideas for choosing your timing: For example, maybe you have some great news to share, like you recently got engaged. This news can be perfect for brunch with your friends, but if your coworker is talking about his mother's funeral, then you should absolutely hold off on your big news. On the other hand, if you have some bad news to deliver, make sure the person is in the right frame of mind as well. If your friend is gushing about her pregnancy, it's not the time to talk about how you just got dumped. If you have to give negative feedback to a coworker, make sure you to it when the person isn't caught off guard. Set up a time to talk to the person instead of casually giving negative feedback when the person least expects it.

Choose your words carefully. If you want to be considerate, then you have to know that the words you use are just as important as the message you're trying to send. If you want people to be receptive and to not feel bad, then you have to carefully think of the words you'll use when you're speaking. Whether you're finding a delicate way to give negative feedback or even finding the right way to praise somebody, it's important to remember that words do matter. Here are some things to consider as you choose your words: Even if you're giving negative feedback, you can find a delicate way to phrase it. You can tell a coworker he "could be more efficient" instead of saying he's "slow" or you can tell a needy best friend that you feel overwhelmed by her instead of saying she is "clingy" or "needy." You can also make your message sound less offensive if you don't directly use the word "you" all the time. For example, instead of telling your boyfriend, "You are so paranoid," you can say, "I worry about the trust issues in our relationship." This still gets the message across without making your boyfriend feel like you're pointing a finger at him.

Don't monopolize conversations. Another thing inconsiderate people tend to do is to talk on and on without realizing that other people couldn't care less. It's one thing if you have a great story to tell, but if you're always the person who is talking and talking and don't let other people have their say, then it's definitely not considerate. The next time you talk in a group or individual setting, be aware of how much you're talking as opposed to everyone else. Make sure you give other people a chance to talk, ask how they are doing, and how they're feeling. This is very considerate. If you have a quick chat with a friend in the halls or at lunch, make sure you both have time to say what's up. If you just tell your friend all about your day and what you're doing next weekend and then say goodbye, that's not very considerate. You should also be considerate when you think about the subject you're discussing. Would your co-workers really want to hear about your drama with your best friend they've never met? Or would your best friend really want to hear a long discussion about the meeting you had at work?

Thank people. It's also considerate to be able to thank people truly and honestly for something they have done for you. This could be something big, like letting you crash with them for three weeks while you looked for an apartment, or something smaller, like picking up coffee for you. No matter how small the deed, it's important to thank people so that they know that you appreciate them, and understand that you don't just expect people to do nice things for you. Make eye contact and give the person 100% of your attention when you say thank you so that you show that you truly mean it. If you were an extended house guest at a friend's house or a friend or person did something really nice for you, send or give him or her a bottle of wine or a gift basket to show that you really care. Sometimes, just saying "Thanks!" isn't enough. Get in the habit of writing thank-you cards to show your appreciation. This is a thoughtful and oft-forgotten gesture. You can also go beyond just saying "thank you" and explain how much the person's action meant to you. For example, you can say something like, "Jackie, thank you so much for cooking dinner for me the other night. I was so stressed out with work that day, and you really helped calm me down."

Apologize when you've made a mistake. Even considerate people can have flaws. If you've made a mistake, whether you've truly hurt someone or accidentally run into someone, you should make sure to apologize for your actions. Don't just say "Sorry" and look away like you couldn't care less; make a point of making eye contact, telling the person how sorry you really are, and mentioning that it won't happen again. Taking accountability for something is much more considerate than brushing it under the rug because you hope it'll just go away on its own. Though apologizing can be unpleasant, the other person will appreciate it. People who are considerate known when to apologize because they're aware when they've hurt someone's feelings, even if they didn't mean to do it. If you've hurt someone, don't say something like, "I'm sorry you felt bad when I..." This kind of language actually blames the other person and avoids responsibility.

Be tactful. Having tact is an important part of being considerate. Being tactful means knowing how to make a point without offending the people around you; it doesn't mean that you have to lie to get your point across. To have tact, you have to know how to give feedback or criticism in a kind, thoughtful way that gets the message across without causing any hurt feelings. You also have to be an active listener and be aware of the people around you so you can make sure they respond in a favorable way. If you end up offending people, then they'll be much less receptive to your criticism. Giving information in a kinder way will make people feel better and will make them more likely to change; it's a win-win situation. For example, if you want to tell your co-worker that he has been working slowly, you can say something like, "I think your projects are always so detail-oriented and thorough. However, I'm wondering if there's a way that you can maintain the quality of your work while boosting your efficiency a bit."

Acting Considerate

Do nice things for people when you see they need help. Being considerate means recognizing when someone would need your help before they even ask for it. This can be anything from opening a door for a person on crutches to picking up lunch for your best friend when she's having a stressful day cramming for an exam. As long as you don't give help to people who really don't want it, you will be acting considerate. Keep an eye out for situations, big or small, when you could really help a person out. Always be observant to see if someone needs something, even if he or she is afraid to ask for it. Here are some examples of ways to be considerate: Hold doors open for people Pull out chairs for people Make room for people who sit next to you Let older people take your seat if you're on a bus or a train Pick up coffee for a fellow coworker if you're going on a coffee run Help your parents out by doing extra chores when they are clearly overwhelmed Run an errand for a significant other or roommate

Have good manners. Another part of being considerate is demonstrating good manners. If you want to be considerate of others, then you can't be rude, loud, or annoying in social situations. You don't have to be prince charming, but you should be able to have basic good manners so that the people around you feel comfortable and cared for. Whether you're hanging out with your friends or hanging out at your Grandma's 80th birthday party, you should demonstrate good manners, even if the meaning of "good manners" changes slightly depending on your audience. Here are some ways to have good manners: Avoid cursing or being overly vulgar If you burp, excuse yourself Put a napkin on your lap when you eat and avoid getting food all over yourself Don't loudly slurp your drink Make room for people on the sidewalk Avoid gross or inappropriate topics in front of the wrong audience

Share. Another way to be considerate is to share with others. Maybe you brought a delicious box of your mother's cookies to lunch and can't wait to devour them all, but you should ask your coworkers if they want any. Maybe you brought some awesome stickers to school that you can't wait to use to decorate your notebook. Well, ask your friends if they want in on the fun! You can also share your clothes, your space, or something else that means something to you with the people around you. Remember that, if you're sharing something you don't really care about, then it's not really sharing. Sharing isn't just for little kids and siblings. It's an important quality of a considerate person at any age.

Be punctual. One of the most inconsiderate things you can do is to act like your time is more important than someone else's. You may not be doing this intentionally, but if you show up late — especially if you make a habit of it — then this is sending people the message that you don't really care about their time. Whether you show up five minutes late to class, half an hour late to work, or you show up forty-five minutes late to meeting a friend for lunch, this is definitely going to make the other person feel annoyed and like you don't care about his or her time. Of course, if you're going to a party or an event with a lot of people, then showing up exactly on time may not matter — in fact, getting to a party the second it starts can actually be a bit awkward. But if it's you keeping another person or two waiting, then that is just plain inconsiderate. If you know that you're going to be late, don't lie about your location ("I'm just a few blocks away!") because you think that'll make it better. Be honest about the fact that you're running 10 or 15 minutes late.

Do random acts of kindness. This is another part of being considerate. Instead of just being considerate of the people you know and love, you can also be considerate of complete strangers, especially those who could use a bit of attention. You can hold doors for people, put some money in the tip jar at your local coffee house, give a compliment to a person you pass on the street, give your parking ticket with an hour left over on it to a person who just entered the parking lot, or help carry an old lady's groceries to her car. Making a habit of looking for opportunities when you can help people will make you a more considerate person. Of course, you have to make sure the person truly welcomes the random act of kindness. You don't want to overwhelm someone who wants to be left alone.

Keep your space clean. It's important to keep your space clean, whether you want to be a considerate house guest, a considerate roommate or family member, or just a considerate human being. If you live by yourself, then it's a good idea to maintain a clean space anyway, but you should be especially considerate of other people around you. Make your bed, throw out your trash, do your dishes, and don't leave other people to do it for you. This is an important part of being considerate at any age. People who are inconsiderate expect the world to revolve around them, and expect people to clean up their trash for them. This shows that they think they are more important than other people and expect that others will act accordingly. You don't want to be this person.