Processing Your Emotions
Identify your emotions carefully and specifically. Before you can work through negative emotions, you need to identify them. Imagine you’re writing a report on your emotions and you need to be as detailed as possible. You shouldn’t only think about type of emotion, but the intensity of that emotion, too. “Upset” is a pretty vague way to describe your emotional state. Dig deeper to find a more specific identifier, like “deeply disappointed.” Rather than saying you feel “good,” you could describe yourself as feeling “ecstatic” or “relaxed.” Remember that you are not your emotions. An emotion is a temporary condition, much like a weather system passing through. Instead of saying “I am angry,” say “I feel angry right now.”
Observe your emotions without judging yourself. If you’re feeling angry at your partner, let yourself feel angry. Don’t try to suppress your emotions, or beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. You’re only human! Instead, let yourself sit with the thoughts and sensations that come with the emotion. Allow yourself to explore the emotions and experience them fully, rather than trying to suppress them. Notice the strange physical sensations that accompany the emotion, like the tightening of your chest or the rapid beating of your heart. You might think, “Ok, I’m feeling angry at John because he forgot to call when he arrived at the hotel. It’s ok to feel angry--it doesn’t mean I’m being a crazy girlfriend.”
Figure out why you’re feeling upset. Once you’ve identified and observed your emotions, it’s time for a little detective work. Take care not to project feelings arising from your own issues onto your partner. Ask yourself a few questions to determine where the feelings are coming from. For example, what exactly triggered your reaction? Are you mad because you feel disrespected by your partner, or does your anger have more to do with a rough day at work? If you’re feeling jealous, ask yourself if your jealousy is the result of past hurts. Think about your relationships with family, friends, and exes. Do any wounds from these relationships explain your current feelings of jealousy?
Avoid dwelling on your negative emotions. Worrying about the details of past fights or “what ifs” can drive you a little crazy. Instead, put past conflicts behind you and focus on the present. Say to yourself, “Ok, that conversation didn’t go as well as I planned, and I’m feeling anxious about it. However, there’s nothing I can do now to change what happened. I’ll try to manage arguments better in the future.”
See a doctor if you have a hard time regulating your emotions. If you struggle with your mood or experience extreme emotional lows or highs, there may be an underlying physical reason. For example, thyroid disorders can cause mood disturbances such as anxiety, depression, or mood swings. Talk to your doctor about what you are experiencing, and work together to come up with a solution that works for you.
Having Calm, Productive Conversations
Discuss your emotions with your partner using “I” statements. Communicate your emotions to your partner in a calm, non-accusatory way using “I” statements. These handy statements help you take ownership of your emotions while shifting the blame away from your partner. Instead of saying, “You’re driving me crazy with your yelling,” you should say, “I feel upset when you raise your voice at me.” Instead of, “You’re wrong!” try, “I don’t agree with you.” Focus on your own feelings and perspective on the situation, rather than attacking or blaming your partner. Reader Poll: We asked 401 wikiHow readers who've struggled to find independence in their relationship, and 63% of them agreed the biggest hurdle was meeting their own emotional needs. [Take Poll]
Listen to your partner without getting defensive. Getting angry and defensive is a natural reaction, but try to listen to what your partner is actually trying to tell you. Do your best to see the situation from your partner’s perspective. If your partner accuses you of not caring about them, don’t yell back that they’re being irrational. Hear them out. Maybe you haven’t been the best partner lately because you’ve been so busy with school. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, but it might be time to make some changes. If you realize that you are in the wrong, take responsibility and admit it. Try to learn from the experience going forward.
Keep your voice down. Raising your voice can cause an argument to spin out of control. Keep your voice steady and calm. Chances are, you’ll have a more successful conversation.
Avoid aggressive body language. If you’re wondering why your partner seems so reactive, take a look at your body language. Are you crossing your arms, tapping your feet, or clenching your fists? These actions can make you look hostile, which can cause your partner to react in a hostile way in turn. Instead, keep your arms and shoulders relaxed, hold your head up, and make eye contact. You may feel more relaxed already!
Practice speaking slowly. If you find yourself getting wound up and agitated, try slowing down your speech. Speaking more slowly will help you feel less anxious, give you time to think about what you are saying, and help your partner understand you better. If you have trouble slowing down, practice by writing down what you want to say and reading it out loud. Break up your speech into short phrases, and pause to take a deep breath after each phrase.
Take deep breaths when you feel yourself getting worked up. This is one of the easiest ways to get your emotions in check. Deep breathing reduces stress-inducing hormones, making you feel more relaxed during a tense argument.
Leave an argument before you lose your cool. You know the feeling: your face gets hot, your stomach tightens, your hands start to prickle. Before you have an emotional blow up, leave the conversation and come back when you’re calmer. Here’s a good rule of thumb: try to leave before your anger level gets past a four on a scale from one to ten. Say something like, “I’m sorry, but I think I need to calm down before we can finish this discussion.”
Focus on the issue at hand. If you’re arguing about keeping the house clean, don’t bring up the fact that your partner bailed on your date the other night, however tempting it may be. You and your partner will only get more worked up, and then neither issue will get solved.
Think of something funny or relaxing after the argument to calm yourself. Imagine yourself lounging in your favorite park with a tasty picnic, or recall a hilarious night with your besties. It’ll make it easier to let go of leftover anger.
Developing a Positive Outlook
Stay away from situations or behaviors that trigger destructive emotions. If stalking your partner’s ex on Instagram always sends you into a jealous fit, stop doing it. Maybe you’ve taken on too many responsibilities, and it has put you in an irritable mood. Try to delegate some of these responsibilities so that you’re not so short-tempered with your partner. Of course, you won’t be able to avoid every triggering situation, but steer clear of the ones you can.
Focus on the good, not the bad. When you feel negative emotions creeping in, try to look at the situation from a new perspective. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship, focus on the positive ones. Rather than zooming in on the person’s negative qualities, pay attention to their strengths. Imagine your partner is late coming home from work again. Instead of accusing them of being a workaholic, try to appreciate how hardworking they are.
Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Negative thought cycles can take on a life of their own. One negative thought creates another negative thought, and before you know it, you can’t think straight! Combat negative thoughts with more realistic, neutral ones. Once you’ve gotten the hang of thinking more neutrally and objectively about yourself, you will find it easier to focus on the positive. If you find yourself thinking, “My partner doesn’t care about me,” remind yourself of all the kind things they’ve done for you. Remember the time they dropped everything to comfort you when you were sick, or surprised you with a lavish feast on your birthday? Address a negative thought like, “I’m not good enough for my partner” by remembering all the people in your life who think you’re fantastic.
Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s easy for the mind to go to worst-case scenarios, but most of the time, these are pretty far fetched. Identify catastrophic thoughts and use your logic to nip them in the bud. If your partner isn’t answering their phone, don’t automatically assume they’re having an affair. Instead, think, “Janet always forgets her phone charger. Her phone probably died, and that’s why she isn’t answering.”
Watch out for faulty thinking. It’s easy to fall into patterns of unrealistic, counterproductive thinking. Look for these patterns in your own thinking, and try to catch them when they happen. Common thinking errors include: All-or-nothing thinking, or the tendency to see situations in black and white without noticing shades of grey (e.g., “I am a failure,” or “My partner is a bad person.”). Overgeneralizing, in which you generalize one specific event to all aspects of your life. For example, if one relationship fell apart, you might find yourself thinking, “I am not able to have healthy relationships.” Filtering out the positive aspects of a situation and focusing only on the negative ones. Assuming that you know what is going on in someone else’s mind. For example, “Bernadette finished grad school, but I didn’t. She must think I’m an idiot.” Catastrophizing, or thinking that a situation is far worse than it actually is. E.g., if you break up with somebody, you might find yourself thinking, “I will never find love again.” Reasoning based on emotions rather than objective facts. For example, you might tell yourself, “I feel like I can’t do anything right, so I guess that must be true.” Labeling yourself and others, rather than focusing on actions and intentions. E.g., thinking, “She’s a jerk!” instead of, “She wasn’t very considerate of my feelings just then.” Fortune-telling, or predicting the outcome of a situation based on feelings rather than rational thought. E.g., “Why should we even try to work through this? We’re just going to break up anyway.”
Write down your strengths. Jealousy and other negative emotions can take over when you’re feeling bad about yourself. Make a list of all your positive qualities and strengths, and review it regularly to give yourself a boost. You may be surprised by how many awesome qualities you have! Everyone has strengths. Ask a good friend or family member to help you if you feel stuck.
Assess if your relationship is healthy. You may be feeling emotional because your partner is dishonest, manipulative, or abusive. Is your relationship is built on respect and trust? If not, you may need to seek therapy or find a way out of the relationship.
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