How to Cope With Your Father's Death (for Young People)

Grieving the Loss

Seek answers from adults. Your dad's death may have left you with lots of confusion or unanswered questions. Though your mom or other relatives might be trying to protect you, it's understandable that you want to know the truth. Talk to your family and tell them what you'd like to know. You might say, “Hey Aunt Judy, I know everyone is saying that Dad got in a car wreck, but no one is saying how. I have a lot of questions. Can you answer them for me?” The more you know about the situation, the easier it will be for you to properly grieve. Don't be afraid to ask questions that you want or need to know the answer to.

Cry it out if you need to. During this difficult time, try to spend some time each day just being sad. Crying can help you grieve by getting your emotions out. Don't be embarrassed to show how you're feeling, even if you have to cry in front of others. They'll understand. Sometimes, you might also feel numb or completely in shock, and that's okay, too. If you can't cry, don't force yourself. Just take some time to be alone with your thoughts.

Spend time reminiscing. Take some time to reflect on all the memories you have of your father. Pull out some photo albums and remember him as he was. This will probably make you feel sad, and that's normal. You'll also feel moments of happiness as you reflect on good times. Reflect especially on the times you spent alone with your dad. Remember that those memories are special because they are only between the two of you. If you have painful or difficult memories of your dad, try not to feel guilty. It is normal for some people to feel angry during grief.

Talk to your siblings if you have any. Though it's nice to talk to adults during this time, sometimes conversations with others can be more helpful. If your dad had other kids, talk to them, especially if you're around the same age. They'll be able to understand your pain better than anyone because he was their dad, too.

Write down your thoughts. Writing can help you release all of the pent-up feelings you may have. At the end of each day or when you're having a really tough moment, jot down your feelings on paper. Sometimes, getting your thoughts out can be just the release you need to feel better. For instance, you might write, “I just had a breakdown because I was shopping and saw some fishing gear and Dad always loved fishing. I wish I could fish with him again.”

Express your feelings in creative ways. Maybe you don't really feel like talking about your dad right now, or maybe you feel more angry than sad. You can find other ways to get your emotions out. You might choose to draw, paint, listen to music, or reorganize your room. Just do what feels right to you. Try drawing or coloring memories that you have with your father. You might choose to create images that would have been meaningful to your father. For example, if your father loved to fish, you might draw a lake.

Pick a few items of his to keep. There are probably a few really important things of your dad's that you'd like to have. Having some of these things can help you feel close to him and can keep his memory alive. For instance, you might want to keep your dad's high school ring, one of his ties, or a book he used to read to you.

Ask for some time off from school if you need it. If you're still in grade school, you might find that it will be hard to focus while you're coping with the loss. Ask your mom or guardian if you can stay out of school for a week or so. Though you'll still be dealing with your dad's death then, some of the shock will have worn off. You can say, “Hey Mom, I know that school starts back on Monday, but I just don't feel ready. I'm still really sad and I'm afraid I'll cry in class. Can I have a few days off?” If you have to go back to school, try to take it day by day. Tell your teachers what happened and take notes so you can stay focused.

Find ways to honor your dad on important days. After your dad's death, his birthday, Father's Day, or other major holidays may be really tough for you. Instead of dreading these days, do something for your dad instead. Plan a family dinner where you all can share stories about how funny he was. You can also do something that he always enjoyed doing, like playing baseball or volunteering. Try not to be alone on these days since they can be really tough. It might be hard to face important holidays, but try to do it. Actively remembering your father on these days will help the healing process go faster, not slower.

Remember that it's not your fault. Sometimes, when people close to you die, you might blame yourself. You might be thinking, “If I were better to my dad, maybe he'd still be here.” Remember that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this and it's not your fault! It's normal to wish your dad were still here, but don't beat yourself up about things you didn't do or can't change. If you had a fight with your father in his last days, remember that your father would have forgiven you. Try not to blame yourself.

Seeking Support

Talk to people you trust. Try not to isolate yourself during this time. Talking about the loss of your dad can really help you cope. Find a few people you can confide in about how you're feeling and have them on speed dial for the particularly bad days. You might choose to talk to your mom, grandparent, sibling, guidance counselor, or friend. For instance, you might call up a friend who lost her mom a while back. You can say, “Hey, I know you lost your mom a few years ago. I guess I always knew my dad would die one day, but this was so sudden. I didn't get to tell him goodbye and I'm having a hard time with that.” If you try to talk to someone whose parent recently passed, be aware that they might not be ready to talk about it yet.

Spend time with friends and family. Though alone time is necessary, too much of it during this period can be isolating. Try to be alone for no more than three hours during the day. Instead, spend some time with your family and friends, particularly those who were close to your father. You'll be able to help each other get through it. If you need some time alone, that's OK too. Try to balance alone time with social time. This will give you have room to heal without isolating yourself from your loved ones.

Ask your family for stories about your dad. Though you may have known your dad well, there are probably lots of cool stories you don't know. Take some time to find out some things you didn't know from people who knew him before you were born. For instance, his siblings might have some funny or interesting stories about him.

Accept and ask for help when you need it. If your friends reach out to you offering assistance with something, let them help you! This is a hard time for anyone, so if you need a little help, that's okay. That's what friends and family are for. For instance, if you're hungry and your friends offer to bring you lunch, accept it! You can return the favor one day when they're in need. Also, if you need help, ask! You can say, “Hey Sara, would you mind coming over to study with me for the math exam? My brain has been all over the place since my dad died and I could use a little help.”

Find a support group in your area. Support groups provide space for you to share your feelings on your dad's death and learn from the perspective of others. It can be helpful during this time to be around others who know exactly how you're feeling, so look for support groups in the area. For instance, you might search “grief support groups” or “loss of a parent support groups” online to see if there are any local results. If you can't find any support groups in your area, consider finding one online and chatting with other folks in similar situations. It was hard to focus. "After losing my dad, I found it hard to focus on other things. Even now I am not ready to accept that he is really gone, but I've learned that I can get through this one step at a time." - Vuyelwa G. I can be emotional and strong. "It's been seven months since my father died. While I am reminiscing our memories together, I still end up crying. This article taught me how to be strong and continue to live after his death." - Jen F. My dad was my best friend. "My dad died in pain and I don't know what really went wrong. I wish I were a doctor so I could've helped my dad. I always cry at night. We were close, he was a best friend." - William D. We want to hear from you! Advice from our readers makes our articles better. If you have a story you’d like to share, tell us here.

Get help from a professional counselor if you think you're depressed. This loss of a father can be heart-wrenching, so it's okay if you need a little (or a lot) of extra support. If you're feeling like you have no one to talk to or think you might be depressed, get some help. There are many therapists trained to help you get through this. If you're in school, there is probably a social worker, guidance counselor, or therapist on staff who can help walk you through this.

Enjoying Life Again

Take care of yourself physically. Just as your mental and emotional health is important, so is your body. You may have lost your appetite lately or feel that it's impossible to get to sleep. Try to have three meals a day, even if they're small. Drink a lot of water so you don't get dehydrated. If you can't sleep, try taking a relaxing bath before bedtime and cutting out caffeine after 12 PM. Exercise is great, too! It gets your endorphins going and is a natural mood booster. Try to exercise at least three times a week for thirty minutes. You can start out small by walking around your block.

Incorporate fun back into your life slowly. Even though you might not feel like doing anything fun right now, plan at least one thing per day. You can start off small by watching a TV show you like or having ice cream. As time goes on, you'll eventually feel like doing more, like going to the beach or dancing again.

Help others in need. You've probably needed quite of bit of help and support from others lately. Once you start feeling a bit better, begin returning the favor. Got a friend who is moving soon? Help them pack. Or perhaps there is a clothes drive in your neighborhood for those in need. Lend a hand! Begin to find a greater purpose through service to others.

Give it time. Even when you manage to have a good day, it might be followed by two bad ones. You might make a lot of progress only to wake up one night crying your eyes out because you miss your father. You are not alone and your feelings are normal. Coping with your father's death is a lifelong process and it's something that no one can ever get over completely. But you're going about it in the most healthy way possible, so hold your head up!