How to Get over Jealousy

Examining the Cause

Identify the cause. The first step to dealing with any negative emotion is to find the thought behind it. Jealousy is no exception. Ask yourself: why am I jealous? Who or what is causing this jealousy? Be as objective as possible when you answer these questions. Don’t fall into the trap of confirmation bias, or seeking out evidence to back you up. Try to get at the real reason.

Decide whether the jealousy is rational. Think critically about the thoughts or actions that led to jealousy. Are your suspicions or worries rational, or irrational? Continue on to one of the sections below based on your decision. EXPERT TIP Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Clinical Psychologist, Author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Clinical Psychologist, Author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating Is your partner causing you to be jealous? Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a psychologist and relationship coach, says: "Jealousy isn't always something that needs to be gotten over. It can sometimes be a healthy warning sign that we're in a dangerous situation, like the pain signal we feel when we put our hand over a hot stove. Sometimes, your partner might even enjoy getting you jealous because it makes them feel reassured that you actually care about them."

Dealing with Irrational Jealousy

Focus more on your own life. If you feel isolated, force yourself to go out with friends and family. Keep your time and mind occupied. Join clubs, make new hobbies, or set new goals for yourself. If you have nothing to do, it’s easy to obsess over jealousy.

Avoid jealousy triggers. For example, watching your partner’s interactions on social media can trigger jealousy, even if it’s just another person liking his or her posts. If this describes your behavior, stop checking your partner’s social media page. If you encounter a trigger anyway, avoid over-thinking it. Just move on to something else right away.

Give your partner space. You don’t need to give your partner the cold shoulder. Just make sure you’re not chasing him or her down too much for comfort. There may be less suspicion between you if you both work out a compromise for how closely and often you interact.

Build up your self image. Work on your self-image physically, mentally, and emotionally. This will cheer you up and give you a chance to take your mind off things. The better you treat yourself, the more confident you’ll be in your relationship.

Tell your partner. Have a sincere conversation with your partner. Explain that you know these feelings are not necessarily rational, but that you still feel them. Ask your partner to consider your feelings in situations that make you jealous. Don't ask for major changes, just for some sympathy in everyday life. Your partner might get mad at this. Reassure him or her that this is the best thing for your relationship: honesty and communication.

Set clear relationship boundaries. Agree on boundaries for appropriate behavior. The jealousy may take time to fade, but this will help. As long as you both stay within these boundaries, you can have confidence in the relationship.

Dealing with Rational Jealousy

Talk to your partner about what’s bothering you. If you think you are justified in your jealousy, talk to your partner as soon as possible. Be honest, but stay pleasant and level-headed. Explain exactly how you feel, and how you reached that conclusion. The instructions below cover a few possible next steps. Be careful not to accuse your partner. Don’t raise your voice or look annoyed. This can be a tricky conversation if your partner doesn’t want to hear it.

Confront other causes of jealousy together. If another person is flirting with your partner, the two of you can confront him or her together. Firmly but politely ask this person to stop.

Set clear boundaries if your partner is causing the jealousy. If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, set clear boundaries for appropriate behavior. This will avoid future confusion as to whether your partner is overstepping bounds.

Take another thinking break if your partner doesn’t agree. If your partner does not agree that your jealousy is justified, take some time to think it over. Examine the cause and your thoughts just as you did before. This time, take into account any new information or perspective your partner provided. An angry response doesn't necessarily mean your partner has something to hide. Your partner could be offended at your lack of trust (whether justified or not).

Ask for insight from a friend. Contact an unbiased third party. Ask him to provide insight or mediate between you. He might have a clearer perspective on the matter, and can provide feedback on whose behavior is justified. Pick a friend or couple that both of you know with similar familiarity. Don’t contact your relative or a close friend who knows you but not your partner.

Look for other paths forward. If you and your partner still can't agree, consider whether the relationship should continue or not. Unwillingness to compromise can be disastrous in a relationship.