How to Identify Defensive Behavior

They lie or deny any wrongdoing.

They may even pretend they don't know what you're talking about. This is more common the first time something comes up. You might mention it, and the person claims they never noticed such a thing or had nothing to do with it. For example, suppose you mention the dirty dishes to your roommate, and they reply, "There are dirty dishes? I didn't notice; I haven't been in the kitchen in a couple of days." The unlikeliness of this denial makes it defensive. The denial might also include a deflection. For example, in response to the same problem with dirty dishes, your roommate might say, "I haven't eaten here in a week, so if there are any dirty dishes, they sure aren't mine!" If you find yourself doing this, ask yourself why. Is it something about the other person that makes you unwilling to own up to your own mistake, or is it something inside you? Defensiveness typically comes from fear or insecurity. Acknowledging what you're afraid of can make it less scary.

They make excuses instead of taking ownership.

Defensive people will say almost anything to justify their mistakes. Unlike lying or flat-out denying that they did something, they'll admit that they did the thing—but there was a good reason they did it. If one excuse doesn't work, they'll likely pile on another. For example, you ask your partner why they didn't feed the dog. They reply, "I was going to do it but I've been on the phone with work." When you point out that they could still feed the dog while on the phone, they say, "Yes, but I was also on my computer pulling up data." Defensiveness can be protective, too. If someone is making excuses, they're likely being protective of their own interests and might feel like you're trying to control them or take away from their time to do the things they want to do. Help diffuse the situation by validating their time and their autonomy. To continue the example, you might respond by saying, "I understand that your work is important. Next time that happens, could you let me know so I can feed the dog myself?"

They blame you or other people.

Defensive people often strike out at others to protect themselves. Blaming someone or something else is a classic defense tactic. If there's some other reason for the problem, a defensive person thinks, they can't possibly be at fault. For example, suppose you confront your co-worker about a late report. If they got defensive, they might respond, "Don't look at me! If Sheila in marketing had gotten me those figures, I would've been done early." The flip-side of this, when everything you say is interpreted as you blaming or finding fault with the other person, is also defensive behavior. For example, suppose you said, "I'm really upset that I can't find my glasses." A defensive person might reply, "Oh, and I suppose you think I hid them." One way to defuse this defensive behavior is to agree with them—especially if they blame you. You don't have to agree with all of it, but find some part of what they said that's true and acknowledge it. For example, suppose they say, "I wouldn't do that if you weren't working so late." You might say, "You're right, I have been working late."

They accuse or insult you or others.

Accusing someone else takes the heat off of the defensive person. This tactic deflects the issue that's threatening the defensive person. The accusation or insult might not even be related to the issue that prompted the defensive behavior—the only point is to make it seem like you don't have any right to criticize them because of something you've said or done. For example, suppose you confront a co-worker about eating your lunch. They might respond, "So what if I did eat your food? You always drink the last of the coffee and don't make more." This tactic can get hurtful if the defensive person resorts to name-calling or insults. For example, the same co-worker might say, "So what if I ate your food? You don't need it anyway, fatty." When someone takes it this far, it can be hard to remember that they're just trying to protect themselves. If you start feeling defensive and think you might lash out, take a step back. You might even tell the person something like, "Hey, can we take a break here? I'm feeling defensive and I need to calm down. I don't want to say something that will only make the situation worse."

They minimize the harm done by their actions.

According to them, if no harm was done, there's no reason to be upset. You might have heard the phrase "no harm, no foul." Using this logic, a defensive person seeks to downplay the consequences of the action you're criticizing them about. The goal is usually to make you feel silly for criticizing them about it. For example, you confront your partner about leaving the front door unlocked. Their response is, "I don't know why you're attacking me about it! So I forgot—big deal. It's not as though someone came in and stole all of our stuff. It's fine." Someone using this defense mechanism might feel guilty about what they did (or didn't do). By pointing out that nothing really bad happened as a result, they're trying to make themselves feel better as well.

They bring up the past to avoid the current issue.

They're hoping you'll get sidetracked and forget about the problem. Bringing up the past is often, at least superficially, a way to change the subject. Defensive people also use it as a way to deflect blame by pointing out a previous time when you were in the wrong. They might also use it to talk about good things they did in the past, implying you shouldn't criticize them now. For example, if you mention the cluttered living room to your roommate, they might say, "It's nice that you criticize me now. And yet when you left all your craft stuff in there for 2 weeks I didn't say a word." They might also bring up something that has nothing to do with the current issue. For example, if you're complaining about dirty dishes, they might say, "Kinda like how you didn't take the trash out for a solid month last year?"

They assume a malicious motive for something innocuous.

This is an attempt to shift some of the blame to you. You could say or do something completely neutral, but a defensive person believes that you're attacking them. This can also happen when you have to change something for an outside reason but the person wrongly believes you're doing it because of them. For example, suppose you'd previously criticized your partner for always being late. Then, you text them to let them know that your dinner reservations are a half-hour earlier than you originally told them. If they were still feeling defensive, they might say, "Oh, you're just telling me that so I won't be late. I get it." In this situation, gently correcting the person can diffuse the situation and make them feel more secure. For example, you might say, "I'm sorry I wrote the time down wrong. Will that still work for you, or should I call the restaurant and see if the later time is available?"

They claim you're just overly sensitive.

They stress that other people don't care about the issue—it's just you. When you bring up something that's bothering you, the person responsible might not understand what the problem is. If they feel hurt by your criticism, they might defend themselves by countering that you just need to lighten up. For example, suppose your roommate has a habit of leaving the kitchen counter wet. You say to them, "Would it kill you to wipe off the counter once in a while?" They might respond defensively by saying, "Geez, most people wouldn't get so upset about a little water. It'll dry, you know." The person also might want to try to blame the problem on you. For example, you might confront a co-worker for always leaving for lunch without telling anyone they're gone. They respond, "I've been doing that for 5 years and you're the first person who's had a problem. It's not my fault you can't remember what time I go to lunch."

They act as though you're making them the victim.

The person wants you to feel bad for bringing up the problem. This defense tactic is similar to turning the issue around to put the blame on you, but it goes a step further. By acting as though your comment was incredibly hurtful, the defensive person hopes to elicit sympathy to take away from their wrongful behavior. For example, suppose you're irritated that your roommate always leaves dirty dishes in the sink. When you confront them about it, they say, "After all that I've done for you, I don't understand why you're attacking me over something so petty. See if I ever bake cookies for us again!" People who use this tactic often like to claim that they were just trying to do something nice and that you always find fault with whatever they do. They'll say there's no pleasing you and try to make it seem like you're being too hard on them or expecting them to be perfect.

They speak in a sarcastic or resentful tone.

This tone of voice implies that your criticism isn't worth taking seriously. When you're trying to determine if someone is being defensive, their tone of voice is just as much of a clue as the words they say. Even if they're just trying to be funny or lighten the mood, that deflection is defensive behavior. For example, your brother always leaves the toilet seat up. You tell him, "You obviously don't care about anyone else because you never put the toilet seat down." He responds, "Oh, like it's so hard to look before you sit down." Some people might also repeat what you say in a mocking tone. For example, you might ask, "When were you going to take out the trash?" Your brother responds in a sing-song tone, "When were you going to take out the trash?" If you ever catch yourself wanting to react to something sarcastically or trivialize an issue someone else has raised with you, stop and ask yourself why. Sometimes, simply pausing and acknowledging to yourself that you're being defensive can help ease that feeling so you can approach the issue more effectively.

They pretend they're not listening when you criticize them.

This non-response can sometimes be the hardest to deal with. Rather than engage, sometimes a defensive person will just completely tune you out. They might act like they're really busy doing something, start talking to someone else as though you aren't even there, or even walk away without acknowledging you. For example, suppose you say something to your partner about how they need to take out the trash more often. Instead of replying, they walk into the next room and start shuffling papers around, then ask if you've seen their wallet. If you push the issue, they might act upset or offended. For example, you might say, "Did you hear what I just said?" A defensive person would respond, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm in the middle of something here. I don't have time for that right now."

They distrust acts of kindness.

Defensive people see ulterior motives behind genuinely kind acts. Sometimes, it's difficult to simply do something nice for a defensive person. Because defensive people often have low self-esteem, they may not believe they deserve kindness. Instead, they assume the worst when someone does something kind for them. You're more likely to hear about this when a defensive person is talking to you about someone else. For example, suppose you remark to a friend, "It was nice of Julie to take us out to lunch." If your friend replies, "Oh, don't let her fool you—she was just buttering us up because she wants us to work this weekend," that's defensiveness. You might also encounter this if you offer something to someone. For example, suppose you have an extra ticket to a soccer game and you offer it to a friend. If your friend is defensive by default, they might say, "Oh, I bet you just want me to drive."