- Limit the amount of time you spend with your mother-in-law by skipping family events when you can.
- Excuse yourself from the conversation to go to the restroom or talk to someone else if you start feeling annoyed with your MIL.
- Establish boundaries with your mother-in-law by telling her when she can come over and what you feel comfortable discussing with her.
Avoiding or Detaching from Your Mother-In-Law
Limit your interactions with your mother-in-law. While ignoring your mother-in-law completely should be a last resort, it’s fine to reduce the amount of time you spend with her. It’s absolutely acceptable for your spouse to attend some family events without you, and this may even make your mother-in-law happier. Don’t feel the need to attend every event that your mother-in-law will be at. Don’t feel the need to lie or ask your spouse to lie on your behalf about why you can’t go to an event that your mother-in-law is at. Keep the explanation simple by saying something like, “I wasn’t in the mood to go out.” Lying will only make the relationship between yourself and your mother-in-law more difficult. Talk to your spouse about which events you are able to miss, as it might be important to them that you go to some. However, you can also explain that you don't want to go to an event because of the strained relationship between you and your mother-in-law. A successful relationship is based on communication and compromise.
Disengage with your mother-in-law if you start getting annoyed. If spending time with your mother-in-law is making you angry or annoyed, try removing or distancing yourself from the conversation. Calmly excuse yourself, or ask someone nearby if they have any thoughts on the topic. This will allow you to remove yourself from the situation. If you’re at a social event such as a large family gathering or wedding, this will probably be easy to do. If you’re in a smaller social situation, it may help to talk to your spouse beforehand—they might be able to give you some space to disengage if you need it. You could excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, to go and refresh your drink, or simply to go talk to someone else.
Detach yourself emotionally from her. If you can’t disengage from a conversation with your mother-in-law, try removing or limiting the emotional connection you have to her. Remind yourself that you don't need to consider her as a part of your family if you don't want her to be. Her thoughts and opinions don’t need to shape what you do if you disagree with her. Think of your mother-in-law as an acquaintance, rather than as another mother, if your relationship isn’t warm and familial. Don’t feel pressured into calling your mother-in-law “mom” or “mother” unless you’re comfortable with it. If she or your spouse complains, calmly explain that you don't feel comfortable calling her "mom." You don't need to make up a reason or explain further.
Distance yourself physically from your mother-in-law. If you live near your mother-in-law, it may be easier for her to come by unannounced. Spend more time out of the house or visit friends who have children of their own. That way, if she drops by, there won’t be anyone home. If you have the means and you’re desperate to get away from your mother-in-law, consider moving to a new area. Moving to a new home is a big endeavor and not a decision to take lightly. Talk to your spouse about some of the benefits and costs of moving, rather than just moving to help you ignore your mother-in-law. It could be a point on the list, rather than the entire reason for moving.
Talk to your spouse about cutting your mother-in-law off completely. If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is emotionally manipulative or abusive, cutting her off temporarily or permanently might be the only option. Talk to your spouse about why you think she is a negative presence in your life, and discuss what the best option for your family will be. This is a difficult conversation to have and one that should be handled very carefully. Approach the subject gently with your spouse—remember, your mother-in-law is their mother, meaning they will have a different relationship. Stay calm, discuss the situation, and explain why you think cutting your mother-in-law off is the right move. Say something like, "I don't feel like the relationship we have with your mother is healthy, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Could we talk about reducing the time we spend with her or the access she has to us?"
Go no-contact with your mother-in-law if her behavior escalates. Sometimes, simply ignoring your mother-in-law or disengaging from her won’t work. If she still pushes your boundaries or criticizes you, tell your spouse that you’re cutting your mother-in-law off completely. Don’t answer her phone calls, don’t invite her over, and don’t offer to visit her. The less you can see her, the better. Your spouse may want to continue to see their mother, which is understandable. However, it’s much easier to go no-contact with your mother-in-law if you and your spouse are a united front. You might cut your mother-in-law off if she constantly comes over unannounced, criticizes you, makes snide remarks toward you, or talks about you behind your back.
Establishing Boundaries
Express your feelings to your spouse. Talking to your spouse about your issues with your mother-in-law may make it easier for you to handle them. Mention specific things that you find difficult to deal with and ask for their help if they notice it happening in the future. Try using “I” statements about how you feel, rather than statements about things that your mother-in-law does. You don’t need to villainize your spouse’s mother, you only need to explain that you sometimes find her difficult. For example, you could say, "When your mother visits unannounced, I feel like my personal space is being invaded and it makes me anxious." Your spouse may get defensive or uncomfortable as you discuss issues you have with their mother. Avoid raising the tension if you notice this happening. Stay calm and explain your perspective kindly and with compassion. Give your partner space to process, and remind them that you care about them.
Define boundaries between yourself and your mother-in-law. Rather than suddenly ignoring or avoiding your mother-in-law, setting some boundaries might allow you to build a healthier and safer relationship. Work out what it is about your mother-in-law that annoys you, and work out some reasonable boundaries for your relationship. Here are some examples: If your mother-in-law gives her opinion on everything you do, set a boundary on the advice you want from her. Say something like, “I appreciate your advice, but if I need help, I’ll ask.” If your mother-in-law comes over unannounced, tell her that she needs to call before visiting your home so that you have time to prepare for her. Say something like, “The kids love when you visit, but could you call us ahead of time from now on? That way, I’ll have the house ready for you.” If your mother-in-law is overly comfortable or open with you, like telling you about family drama or asking you to call her “mom,” tell her that you’d prefer to use her name, or avoid getting too engaged in gossip. Suggest some other conversation topics that would interest both of you to gently steer the conversation elsewhere.
Explain and establish your boundaries. Sit down with your mother-in-law somewhere she feels comfortable, and verbalize your boundaries. Outline what boundaries you want to set, how you plan to enforce them, and why you think this will improve your relationship or solve a problem. Speak with kindness and compassion, but also be firm. Start with something like "I appreciate having you in my life and I want to make sure that our relationship is as healthy as possible. I’d like to set some boundaries around my home and my children so that we both feel comfortable and happy.” If you don’t feel comfortable explaining the boundaries to your mother-in-law, talk about them with your spouse first. They may be more comfortable talking to their mother and setting up the boundaries. However, if your spouse is unsuccessful, you may need to talk to your mother-in-law yourself. If you’re uncomfortable talking with your mother-in-law in person, write a letter or an email outlining your boundaries instead. Remember to write kindly—try to repair and strengthen a relationship, rather than kick her out of your life.
Enforce your boundaries consistently and compassionately. The boundaries you’ve established will only help if you make sure that they are enforced properly. Know the boundaries yourself and take note when they are being crossed. Gently remind your mother-in-law that she is stepping over the boundaries you established any time they are broken. For example, if your mother-in-law visits unannounced, you could say "It's great to see you, but we agreed that you'd let us know before you came over. Now isn't really a good time, but we could have you over for dinner on Sunday?" If your mother-in-law doesn’t respond to gentle reminders, address her crossing your boundaries more directly. Tell your mother-in-law that she has broken the boundaries you set up, and remind her what she can do to resolve it. Make sure that your spouse understands how to enforce the boundaries, and that they are committed to doing so with you. Express that these boundaries are important to make you feel comfortable and happy, as well as strengthening the relationship between you and your mother-in-law.
Lowering Your Expectations for the Relationship
Think about your mother-in-law compassionately and as a complex person. Almost nobody in the world is inherently evil, including your mother-in-law. Try to understand her experiences and why she might act in the way that she does. Remember that she is a complex person, and most likely wants you and your spouse to be happy—even if she goes about that in a difficult way. Consider what your mother-in-law is used to or expecting as a parent to your spouse, as a grandmother to your children, or even as a mother-in-law to you. Working out what she wants and why she wants it can help navigate a difficult relationship and avoid needing to ignore her completely. For instance, if your mother-in-law shows up unannounced all the time, she may be lonely or wanting to spend more time with you and your spouse. If your mother-in-law always gossips with you or brings up intimate subjects, she may be trying to make friends with you.
Center yourself and understand why you’re upset. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your mother-in-law and considering ignoring her, take a step back and ask what it is that irritates you. Understanding why you’re annoyed might help you process your emotions better and find an easier way to resolve them. If you want to ignore your mother-in-law because she is too comfortable with you, it might help to consider how you connect with other people. While you don’t have to change who you are, you may be able to find a way to meet your mother-in-law in the middle by changing your relationship. Understanding your own “triggers” will help you identify when you are getting upset so that you can take action right away.
Limit your expectations for the relationship. Your mother-in-law doesn’t need to be someone you are incredibly close and familiar with, especially if you are very different people. Rather than trying to change your mother-in-law to create the relationship you want, try to change the expectations of your relationship to something that will accommodate both you and her. Establish a different type of relationship with your mother-in-law instead. Think of her as a friend, an acquaintance, or a coworker, rather than as a mother-in-law or second mother. This might help you limit your expectations and handle her better. If your mother-in-law is harmful, emotionally manipulative, or abusive to you or your family, be very cautious in your expectations of the relationship. It might be unsafe for you to have a relationship with your mother-in-law at all. Remember that the safety of yourself and your family always comes first.
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