Focusing Your Attention on the Speaker
Make the right amount of eye contact. Too much eye contact can come across as aggressive or dominating. If you don't make eye contact at all, the speaker will think you aren't paying attention to them. One rule of thumb is to make eye contact about 30-60 percent of the time, depending on the situation. People who seek eye contact are usually thought to be more confident, competent, and honest. Eye contact creates an automatic natural connection. Babies lock eyes with their parent instinctively, to get their attention and ensure they will be protected and fed.
Nod occasionally. Show the speaker that you are still with them by nodding your head now and then when they make a point.
Smile. Remember to use friendly facial expressions, to help make the speaker more comfortable. Smile as much as you can without it seeming forced.
Use open and inviting body language. Turn your body at a slight angle toward the speaker, not exactly full frontal. Standing at a slight angle is perceived as less confrontational, and makes you seem more accessible. If you motion with your hands while talking, be sure the palms face upward. If you speak with your palms facing down, it may seem like you are lecturing or scolding. Angle your chin to face forward – if your chin is facing up, it looks like you are looking down on someone. Face forward so you appear to be equals. Turn your head at a slight angle to the right or left. This sets a casual and relaxed tone.
Encourage the speaker to continue. Make the speaker feel their thoughts are welcome by making encouraging sounds and comments. Coaxing them to continue speaking will reassure them that they are not boring you or taking up too much of your time. Encouraging sounds should be along the lines of, “Mmm,” “Yes,” and “I see.” For longer pauses, you can say, “Please, go on,” or “I can't believe it – what did he say next?”
Avoiding Listening Pitfalls
Avoid finishing other people's sentences. It can be tempting to finish someone's sentences when you are convinced you know what they are going to say next– especially when you don't have a lot of time. But most of the time, you'll only be expressing your own train of thought, and the speaker will become frustrated because you aren't letting them express themselves.
Avoid offering unsolicited advice. Often, when people want to talk about a problem, they are looking for support more than anything else. If you impose your own solutions without being asked, or give advice when it wasn't asked for, it will seem as if you don't trust them to figure it out for themselves.
Avoid interrupting. Any time you interrupt someone when they are speaking, it comes across as rude and thoughtless. Interrupting tells the speaker that you think your ideas are more important or interesting than theirs, and that you don't have time for them or care what they think.
Avoid one-upsmanship. If someone is telling you a story about something that happened to them, don't counter it with a similar anecdote from your own life. It will come across as boastful, which most people find extremely unattractive. It will also appear that you are more interested in “winning” the conversation than learning more about the other person. If someone is talking about their recent vacation, it's fine to mention that you've been there and really enjoyed it. But don't tell stories about your time there – allow the speaker to remain the center of attention. At all costs, try to avoid mentioning how much money you earn or how much you have saved or invested. Especially if you're more successful than the speaker.
Avoid deflecting. Be careful when listening not to abruptly change the topic of conversation. It is natural to want to move away from an uncomfortable topic of conversation, but it shows a lack of respect for the speaker.
Understanding What You Hear
Rephrase. To show the speaker you are paying attention, paraphrase what they are saying. Don't repeat back exactly what they just said – digest the information and then put it into your own words. Wait until they look to you for a sign of understanding, or for a lengthy pause in the conversation. Rephrase in question form. Say, “So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're saying...?” The focus of the rephrased comment should be on the speaker. Don't change it to include yourself or everyone in general. If someone says, “I don't have the funds to finish this project,” don't say, “Yes, it never seems like we have enough money to get things done.” The ownership of the rephrased comment should be you. Say, “What I'm hearing is...,” not, “What you're saying is....” Your version should be shorter than the speaker's original statement.
Ask for additional information. Asking questions shows that you are trying to understand the speaker's point, and that you understand where you have gaps in that understanding. Request additional information where it is needed, so you can be sure you understand what the speaker means. Don't ask questions that challenge what the speaker has just said – this will just make them defensive. Phrase your questions in a way that makes it obvious you aren't being argumentative. You're just trying to fill in the blanks. Avoid asking “Why?” questions, because this can put people on the defensive. (“Why do you think that happened?”) Use “How?” or “What?” questions. (“How do you feel about...?” or “What are your biggest concerns about...?”)
Defer judgement. Keep an open mind when someone is saying something you don't agree with. Try your best not to mentally correct or criticize them, or you will cease to hear what they're saying. Don't jump to conclusions – wait until they complete their thought before trying to interpret their meaning.
Find the crux. When listening to someone speak, try to look for the central theme of the conversation. Figure out the main idea they are trying to communicate, and why it is important to them. Pay extra close attention to the points of conversation that pertain to the core objective of their story or argument.
Practicing Your Listening Skills
Practice active listening on kids. Children are good people to practice with. When you ask them to explain their thoughts further, and ask for additional information, they will usually stop to gather their thoughts and then give a thoughtful answer. They are usually happy that someone is taking a genuine interest. Try to use a natural tone of voice, and avoid patronizing behavior.
Practice with coworkers on Monday. Catch up with a colleague on whichever day you return from break, and ask them what they did over the weekend. Give them your undivided attention, and try to get to know them a little better. Any time is a good time to speak with coworkers, but people often have more to say after they have been away from work for a couple of days.
Record yourself. Record a conversation between you and a friend, coworker, or spouse. Listen to the tape on your own, and judge your responses for yourself. Work on areas where you need improvement; this will help you become a better listener. Most people dislike the sound of their voice on a recording, but if you can get past this it's an excellent learning tool. Be sure all parties involved are aware they're being recorded. Recording someone without their consent is illegal in most cases.
Allow yourself to be awkward. Listening skills take practice, and you won't be perfect at it right away. Rephrase the speaker's ideas, and ask additional questions – even if you think it sounds awkward at first.
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