Are there any deal breakers?
If there is a huge red flag for you, it’s probably not worth going forward. Everyone has their core list of requirements for a partner. If dating has gone generally okay but there’s one major problem, it might be too much for you to get past. Don’t feel bad about ending a relationship if there is a fundamental, core issue that you just can’t get past—even if it isn’t anyone’s fault. If they never want children and you’re 100% interested in having kids one day, that’s a perfectly reasonable reason to not continue dating. You two might be sexually incompatible. If you just can’t get on the same page in the bedroom, it’s okay to move on. Illegal behavior, violence, and abuse are all major red flags.
Are your needs being met?
If you have fundamental requirements that are going unfulfilled, move on. A want might be something like, “a partner who likes jazz music the same way I do” while a need might be, “a partner who tells the truth.” One is negotiable, the other is a requirement. It’s one thing if some of your wants are going unfulfilled, but if your core requirements in a partner just aren’t there, it’s probably a sign it’s time to move on. If your love language is physical touch and the other person isn’t particularly touchy, or you really need security in a partner but they’re very noncommittal, it’s reasonable to not pursue this further.
Are you ready for something serious?
It’s okay to end a short fling, even if they’re a good partner. Many people who aren’t looking for something super serious feel bad because they’re ready for the relationship to end but there’s nothing really wrong with their partner. Don’t feel guilty about this. If you don’t feel like they’re “the one,” there’s nothing wrong with calling the relationship and moving on. At the same time, if you are looking for something serious and you think this person might be “the one,” that’s a sign that the relationship is probably worth pursuing.
Is your life better with them in it?
If you have a genuine sense of fulfillment with them, that’s huge. Do they push you to be the best version of yourself? Do they bring out the good in you, even when you’re feeling down? Take a step back and consider whether your life has improved or gotten worse while you’ve been with your partner. The answer to that question will tell you a lot about whether someone is worth keeping around. It’s very possible to be deeply in love with someone who is bad for you. Try not to overly romanticize the impact this person has in your life if there are red flags in your relationship.
Are they kind and respectful?
It’s hard to justify a relationship if the other person is a jerk. If your partner says cruel things when you two disagree, they throw tantrums when they don’t get their way, or they lash out at you whenever they’re having a bad day, it’s a sign they’re probably not the right person for you. If they’re generally nice and they treat you right though, it may be worth sticking with them. The “bad boy” or “bad girl” thing can be fun for a while, but they don’t tend to make awesome long-term partners. If you were attracted to their edgy, dangerous aura at first, it’s okay if that feeling fades and you’re ready to move on.
Do your values line up?
A relationship has legs when both partners line up on the important stuff. Even if they’re a great person, they may not be a great person for you. If your core beliefs about the way world works don’t line up, or you have different visions for what you want for the future, it can be hard to justify a long-term investment. Take a step back and consider whether your fundamental values are in alignment. Is religion driving a wedge between you two? It can be extremely difficult for some people to get past that. Do you have deep political beliefs that don’t align with your partner? This is another tough roadblock for some couples. Whether you want children in the future or not can be a dealbreaker for couples, even if having kids isn’t on the table right now.
Are they afraid of commitment?
It may not be worth going forward if they’re scared to commit. If you’ve been dating for a while now and you want to take things up a notch, they should be on the same page. If they aren’t ready for anything serious and you are, that’s okay. At least you can move on now without investing too much into the relationship. The fear of labels is a big sign that you two don’t want the same thing. If they get nervous or anxious about being called your girlfriend or boyfriend, they don’t want to commit. At the same time, if you really like this person, it may be worth trying to wait them out. At least for a little while. Maybe they change their mind in a month or two after they get to know you better. On the flip side of this, it means you may want to call the relationship if you’re the one resisting labels and shying away from commitment. It’s a signal that your heart really isn’t in it.
Are either of you too busy for a relationship?
It’s okay to just keep dating if you both have a lot going on. If you two aren’t at a point in your lives where you have the time for a serious relationship, there’s no need to start pushing things further than either of you are ready for. It’s okay to keep dating. It’s okay to stop dating if you don’t have the time, too. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself! If you’re having fun with this person, go ahead and stick with it. Even if you don’t know how far the relationship can go, there’s no need to put an end to a good thing prematurely. If you don’t want to keep falling for this person because you know you can’t be together in the future (i.e. going away to college, moving to another city), it’s okay to end things now if that’s what you want.
Are you happy to see them?
Your initial reaction when you see them reveals how you subconsciously feel. Anyone can convince themselves to stay or go using logic, pros and cons lists, or talking points. But your gut reaction when you see someone can be all the information you need. If you don’t feel anything (or worse, you feel bad) when they show up, it’s a signal you may not want to stick with the relationship. Think about this the next time you have a long day and you call them up. How do you feel when you hear their voice? Is it soothing, calming, and supportive to talk to them, or do you really just want the call to end so you can go relax?
Do you have fun together?
The fun factor is important for a sustainable long-term relationship. If your time together is kind of a slog, or you two struggle to find ways to enjoy things together, it may indicate that you’re not meant to be. Relationships should be fun. The two of you should share laughs, crack jokes together, and engage in fun activities together. If your time together is a blast, it’s a big sign you two have a great thing going. If you two seek out “fun” away from one another (i.e. they play games for fun, and you watch sports for fun, but you don’t do those things together), try changing that up. See what happens when you engage in one another’s hobbies. If it’s enjoyable, that’s a good sign.
Is it easy to talk to one another?
If the conversation flows smoothly, it means you two click. Do the hours just melt away when you talk to one another? Would you two be perfectly content staying up late and chatting without feeling the need to check your phones over and over? If so, you may have something special here. Finding someone you connect with on the conversational level can be difficult, so this may be worth pursuing. If it ever feels like connecting with your partner is hard, the two of you often misunderstand one another, or you struggle to pick up on one another’s vibe, the relationship may not have legs.
Do you freely speak your mind?
Second-guessing what you say to them is a worrying sign. The longer you’re in a relationship with someone, the easier it should be to talk to one another. If conversations become increasingly difficult and you find yourself scared to open up, it’s a sign you’re not comfortable being vulnerable around them. That’s very worrying, and you may want to consider moving on if this is the case. Ask yourself why you aren’t comfortable speaking freely. Are you scared they’re going to lash out at you for sharing uncomfortable feelings? Or, are you hesitant about opening up because you’re afraid of committing? If this has more to do with you than them, talk to them about it. If the problem lays with them though, it’s a very worrying sign you aren’t meant to be.
Do the two of you trust each other?
If you’re both trusting, it’s a sign your bond is powerful. People tend to get jealous, possessive, and afraid when they think they don’t really know their partner. If you’re both trusting, it signals that you’re both confident in the foundation of your relationship. This means a ton, and it’s more likely that your relationship is worth continuing if you trust one another. How do you feel when your partner goes out with their friends or goes to do something without you? If you get nervous about them cheating or going behind your back to do something you don’t like, it means the foundation of your relationship is fragile.
Do you celebrate each other’s wins?
Are you happy when good things happen for them, and vice versa? Being in a relationship is a lot like having a business partner. If they do something good, it should feel good for the both of you. If you find yourself getting bummed out or angry when they get a promotion, crush a big test, or hit a personal goal, it’s a sign that you’re not on the same page. You might not celebrate one another’s wins because you view each other like competition instead of partners.
Is the work evenly distributed?
If you’re both willing to try, the relationship can be successful. Relationships require work, and if the two of you are equally committed to putting some effort in, it’s a good sign they’re worth dating. However, if you feel like you’re always the one initiating contact, setting time aside to see them, or even cleaning up around the house, it’s a sign the relationship isn’t balanced. Who schedules the dates? If you’re always making the reservation and picking the date, it’s a sign they aren’t pulling their weight. Who pays for things? If you haven’t been dating long, the two of you should still be splitting costs most of the time. Who calls who? If you always hit them up first, it’s a problem. They should be initiating things just as often as you do.
Are you comfortable?
If you’ve been together for a while, comfort is a good thing. People tend to worry when the passion begins to fade. If your relationship has gone from being deeply intense to extremely laid back over the course of the past 6 months (or more), it’s just a sign that the honeymoon phase is over. That’s okay. Relationships evolve and change, and the novelty of a new relationship doesn’t last forever. It may feel like something is “wrong,” but it’s totally normal! If you do want more passion, talk to your partner about it! There’s no reason you two can’t continue to try new things, explore, and keep the heat going. You just have to be a little more intentional about it. If you’re getting seriously down about the relationship turning into something calmer and quieter, it may be a sign you aren’t ready to settle down just yet. That’s okay! This is a perfectly reasonable justification to end a relationship.
Are your friends and family fans of them?
If the people in your life think they’re a good person, that means something. A little outside perspective can be extremely helpful. If you’ve been dating someone and you don’t know if it’s worth taking things to the next level, ask outside observers. Your friends and family will have a hunch if someone is worth keeping around, and you can use their feedback to guide what you do going forward. If your friends and family generally think you could do (or deserve) better than the person you’re currently dating, they’re probably right. It can be hard to take an objective look at your relationship with someone when you already have romantic feelings for them. Getting another perspective may help you spot something worth considering that flew totally past your radar.
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