How to Know Your Enemies (And Deal With Them)

• Enemies are likely to say mean things, spread rumors, undermine your goals, and express their anger via body language.
• Look for reasonable explanations for someone’s behavior before assuming they’re an enemy.
• Try to get to know your enemy a bit. Every enemy can be a future ally (or even friend) if you take the time to find a middle ground.

Signs Someone Is an Enemy

They speak negatively about you. Friends may have constructive criticism for you, but their ultimate goal is to help. An enemy will use destructive talk with the sole purpose of making you feel worse or bringing you down. For instance, a friend might say, "You look nice today, but have you ever considered wearing your hair a different way?" An enemy might say, "Your hair is ugly," without offering up any advice, guidance, or support.

They gossip about you or spread rumors. People who gossip behind your back, spread malicious rumors, or let out your darkest secrets are not your friends. If you find someone is gossiping about you, they're probably not trustworthy enough to be counted among your friends. For instance, maybe you told a "friend" about something that was going on at home, like your parents getting a divorce. You asked them to keep it a secret, but they went out and told as many people as they could. In this case, the gossip is true, but they betrayed your trust. Another type of gossip is when a person simply makes up something about you. For instance, maybe they spread a rumor that you cheated on your boyfriend when you really didn't.

They try to block your success. If your potential enemy goes to school or works with you, they may try to take credit for your work, downplay your successes, or trick you into turning in shoddy work. They may also try to stop you from succeeding by subtly sabotaging your work with your boss or your teacher. These people are definitely not your friends. For instance, they may "forget" to tell you about a deadline you're supposed to meet. Maybe they saw one of your ideas that you were about to propose at work and went to your boss first to present it to them, stealing it out from under you.

Their body language signals they dislike you. A person who doesn't like you will likely lean away from you or turn their body away from you in conversation. They may also cross their arms or legs as a defense against you. Depending on how bad they are at hiding their feelings, they may even get up to leave the room when you come in. They may also try to stare you down, glare at you, or sneer. If they are trying to hide something from you, they may put their hands in their pockets or cross their arms to hide their hands.

Analyzing Your Enemies

Estimate the person's confidence levels to figure out their intensity. Look for confidence in the person's posture and body language. A confident person will stand up straight. They make eye contact and tend to smile more. A person with low confidence or low self-esteem may slouch, avoid eye contact, and avoid interaction altogether. Once you figure out how confident a person is, you may be able to understand them better. If someone seems extremely committed to engaging with you and undermining you, it may be best to tackle the problem head-on and address the elephant in the room. If a person with low confidence feels bad about themselves, they may be lashing out at you as a way to make themselves feel better. Sun Tzu once famously said, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” In other words, even if you know your abilities and strengths, you can’t compete with someone until you study your enemy!

Take notes on your enemy's personality to learn how to approach them. Pay attention to how they interact with people, and try to assess their personality. For instance, are they introverted or extroverted? Do they seem comfortable around people or not? What do they value most? What seems to stress them out? You can use this information in your future actions with the person. For instance, maybe you notice that they start pulling at their hair after someone dumps new work on their desk or moves up a deadline. It’s a sign they’re anxious about due dates. If you want to annoy them, pile on more work. If you want to make them your ally, offer to help.

Check what your enemy wears to decide how to handle them. What a person wears says a lot about who they are. For instance, someone who is meticulous about their clothing will often be meticulous in life. If you can figure out why they wear what they wear, you can understand them a bit better and approach them with that understanding. For example, if you find a person is very meticulous, you know that when you talk to them, you should give them all the details you can, as they are detail-oriented. Don't forget to look at the accessories they choose, too, such as religious symbols.

Look for signs of dishonesty to call them out on their lies. Maybe they fidget or jiggle their leg when they’re trying to pull a fast one. Maybe they change the way they speak or avert their eyes when they’re being dishonest. Once you have a sense for their tells, you can call out their lies to gain the high ground. For instance, maybe you notice that every time the boss or a teacher calls out the person, they clear their throat or play with their hair. If you notice the person is lying to you, you might say, "Are you sure that's true? I thought I heard it another way." Try to give them a way to save face while reverting to the truth if you want to be a little more graceful.

Dealing with Enemies

Reframe how you think about your enemies' successes. Instead of feeling regret when you come up short and think something like, "That promotion should have been mine," combat the feeling by reframing the negative thought (i.e. "That promotion was never 'mine' to begin with, and I'm so glad that person has succeeded"). When you celebrate others' successes, you begin to turn them from friends to enemies. Send the person a card or flowers to help celebrate their success! You may make enemies out of some people because you are jealous of their success. However, someone else succeeding doesn't diminish what you've accomplished. It can be hard to celebrate others—especially if you think you deserve to be celebrated instead. Like anything, gratitude and supporting others takes practice! It’s okay to start small.

Redirect negative emotions your enemy feels towards you to the real enemy. Often, someone has become your enemy through no fault of your own; rather, outside factors have caused them to become your enemy. If you can redirect the person's anger to the real cause, you can work towards making them your friend instead of your enemy. For instance, maybe your enemy is mad because you got first chair in band when they think they should have. You could say, "I know you're mad at me, but really, it was the director who put us in this uncomfortable position. You're a really talented player." If you happen to be religious, it may help here to remember Matthew 5:44, “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” No matter how much they upset you, try to keep your heart calm and full of empathy.

Look for reasonable alternatives for your enemy's behavior. When you decide what a person is like, it tends to color how you view them going forward. For instance, if you think your enemy is mean, you will see all their actions as mean. However, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. When you think they've said or done something rude, consider how it could be interpreted another way. For instance, if the person doesn't say hello when you walk in, don't automatically think it's because they don’t like you. Maybe they just didn't see you or maybe they're having a bad day. If you have some trauma in your past from friends turning their back on you, consider the possibility that you’re projecting some negativity on the other person. It’s natural to do this after you’ve been hurt, but it may help to see a therapist.

Turning Enemies into Allies

Be curious and ask questions to get to know your enemy better. Show empathy towards the other person. If they’ll talk to you, try to get to know them better. Ask them how their day is going, what they like about their job or school, and what they have going on in their life. The more you learn, the easier it will be to find common ground. For instance, you could say, "Hey, how are you doing today? How are you feeling about this crazy math test?"

Listen to your enemy's perspective. You may have gotten into an adversarial relationship with someone because you have different worldviews or attitudes. Instead of viewing this difference as a barrier, look at it as an opportunity. You have the ability to change how you see the world by viewing it through their eyes. It can help you grow and change how you see people. For instance, if the person is on the other end of the political spectrum from you, you may find you have compassion for their worldview after learning why they hold the beliefs they do.

Show your enemy respect. All humans deserve dignity, and you should even treat your enemies with respect. Don't try to bring them down with your words; don't gossip behind their back. Greet them with politeness every time you see them, and encourage them to share their ideas with the group even when you want to shut them down. Try to think of your enemies with compassion. Put yourself in their shoes, and think about what they must be feeling at the moment. Plus, you never know what's going on in their home life that could be affecting their behavior.

Work on finding things in common. Enemies tend to dehumanize the other person. That is, they may portray them in their minds and actions as a totally horrible person with bad taste. However, if you start to find common ground, your enemy may realize that you have more in common than they thought, and they may start to come around. For instance, you could say, "Hey, I heard you like tabletop gaming. I got this great new game called Gloomhaven. Would you like to play sometime?"