How to Stop Having Bad Dreams About My Boyfriend

Focus on the feelings, not the details, of your dreams.

Dreams may be a way to process feelings you’re experiencing. If, for instance, you have a dream about your boyfriend cheating on you, don’t automatically assume it’s a premonition of something to come or proof of something that’s already happened. Instead, the dream may indicate that you’re burdened with trust issues that you haven’t been able to manage during your waking hours. Instead of getting caught up in the little details of your dream, ask yourself how the dream made you feel and how you now feel about the dream. There’s a lot about dreams we still don’t understand, so it’s easy to find widely differing views on how to interpret them. Just remember that having bad dreams, even about people we care about, is extremely common. Dreams rarely are a direct reflection of what is to come or what has already happened. Instead of taking them as literal, try being more curious about the feelings the dream evokes.

Keep a journal of your dreams and feelings.

Journaling is a great way to identify your emotional experiences. Start by writing down a general outline of the dream, providing as much detail as you feel is important. Then, pay special attention to the feelings attached to the dream. How did you feel about it when you woke up, and how do you feel about it now? For example, say you had a dream in which you were getting married and your boyfriend left you at the altar. You might write down that it made you feel shocked and ashamed when you woke up, and makes you feel worried and uneasy when you think about it now. Read through past journal entries each time you have a new dream about your boyfriend. Look for patterns both in the dreams and in how you feel about them.

Look for sources of your negative feelings in your life.

You may find that the feelings aren’t related to your boyfriend. In other words, your boyfriend may be the “star” of your dreams but not the actual focus of them. Reflect on when you have the same kind of feelings as those caused by the dreams—it may be when you’re at work or dealing with your parents, for example, not when you’re with your boyfriend. It’s also possible you’ll find that your boyfriend is both the star and the focus of your dreams. If so, begin thinking about if and how you can start changing your relationship for the better.

Talk about your dreams with someone you trust.

It’s okay to choose someone other than your boyfriend here. It may be too awkward to confide in your boyfriend first, especially if you feel like your dreams are revealing nagging concerns about him. In this case, talk to a close friend or family member. Or, for professional guidance, meet with a licensed and experienced therapist. If you confide in a friend or loved one, you’ll get compassion and understanding. Talking to a therapist gets you expert guidance on managing your dreams and your feelings. Both are really valuable! Talking about your dreams helps you realize that you’re not alone here—we all have bad dreams, and it’s common for them to involve our significant others.

“Rewrite” your dream with a more positive spin.

This strategy might help change a recurring negative dream. To give it a try, start by writing down the dream in your journal. Then, literally erase the “bad” part of the dream/story and rewrite it into a “good” part. Visualize this happier version of the dream as you fall off to sleep—and it may end up being the dream you have! For example, say you keep having a dream in which your boyfriend turns into a snarling wolf that chases you around your home. You could rewrite it so he becomes a purring cat that curls up next to you. This strategy is sometimes called “imagery rehearsal,” and there’s evidence that it can be effective in altering dreams.

Use healthy stress-busting techniques that work for you.

Stress reduces sleep quality and can make bad dreams more likely. Stress that doesn’t have anything to do with your boyfriend may be contributing to bad dreams that are about your boyfriend. Reducing stress won’t eliminate bad dreams, but can improve your sleep and possibly improve the likelihood of having good dreams instead of bad ones. Try stress-busters like deep breathing, yoga, meditation, religious practices, light exercise, nature walks, soothing music, warm baths, good books, and whatever else works for you.

Create healthy bedtime and sleeping routines.

You might sleep more deeply and remember fewer dreams. Consistently getting a good night’s sleep is always a good idea—it benefits your physical and mental health in all kinds of ways. Also, if you sleep more deeply during the night, you may be less likely to wake up during REM cycles (during which you dream) and remember what you’ve been dreaming. Try healthy sleep strategies like the following: Set a consistent evening routine, time for going to sleep, and wake-up time. Avoid “screen time” for at least 1 hour before going to sleep. Don’t drink caffeine or alcohol for several hours before bedtime. Avoid eating large meals before bed as well. Sleep in a room that’s dark and comfortably cool, and use comfortable bedding. Add calming activities like taking a warm bath, reading, or listening to soothing music to your bedtime routine.

Investigate suspicions from dreams if they seem reasonable.

Dreams aren’t proof, but may reflect your existing suspicions. It’s very possible that you’re dreaming of your boyfriend cheating, or leaving you, or hitting you when he’s absolutely not doing (or planning on doing) those things. But, if you have some real-world suspicions that align with what you’re dreaming about, consider investigating them. If you’re suspicious and dreaming that he’s cheating, for example, you might check for physical or behavioral evidence, or use tech to see if he’s on dating sites. Before doing any investigating, take some time to think about how willing you are to invade your boyfriend’s privacy.

Tell your boyfriend about your dreams.

Focus on your feelings so he knows what you’re going through. Unless your dreams have led you to investigate (and uncover) evidence that he’s been cheating, lying, etc., remember that this conversation is all about you. He may be in your bad dreams, but they’re your dreams and your feelings. Choose a time when you’re both calm and able to talk, and use “I” statements to make it clear you’re not blaming him for being bad in your dreams. For example: “This feels weird to talk about, but I’ve been having this strange dream where you send me flowers at work with a card that says you’re cheating on me. I know it’s not reality and it may mean nothing at all, but I end up feeling anxious each day afterward.”

Show him empathy if he’s confused or upset.

He may feel bad about things only his “dream avatar” has done. Even if you’re doing your best to explain that your dreams are separate from the reality of your relationship, your boyfriend may feel like he’s hurt you somehow. Reassure him that you don’t blame him and that you’re only telling him about the dreams so he can better understand what you’re going through right now. If he gets upset and feels like you are blaming him, apologize for the misunderstanding and be even more careful to use “I” statements that focus on what you’re feeling due to the dreams.

Address your feelings and concerns with your boyfriend.

Working on your relationship may improve your dreams. If your dreams are pointing to unresolved feelings in your life, improving your relationship situation may help bring resolution—and therefore different dreams. Ideally, this will happen by strengthening your bond with your boyfriend through open, honest, and frequent communication. In some cases, however, you may realize that ending the relationship is the best option. Even if your dreams aren’t literally predicting the future, they may spur you to reflect on the reality of your relationship and accept that it’s not the best thing for you right now.