Choosing the Time and Place
Find a quiet moment. Your parents will react better if you talk to them at a quiet moment, ideally when they are relaxed. Look for a time when your mom or dad is relaxed and is ready to give you their full attention. Often the evening is a better time to break bad news than the day. Work is over and your parents will have less on their minds. Dinner can be a great time to bring up difficult subjects. You might also try bringing up smoking while helping your parents cook or while unwinding around the television. Hold off if you know that either parent is going through a stressful time at home or at work. Your news might trigger a bad reaction – which is not what you want.
Keep it private. Choose a time that is private as well as quiet. It's best to have a heart-to-heart chat someplace where you won't be interrupted and will feel free to express yourself open and honestly. The same goes for your parents. Talking at home will work if you don't have house guests. You might also be able to have a conversation in the car, on a walk, or another place where you're alone. Telling your parents over the telephone can also work, so long as you know that they are free to talk. Ask them, “Am I calling at a good time? Do you have some time to talk?” Fessing up in public is probably not a good idea. Your parents might feel embarrassed if you tell them at a mall, restaurant, the home of family or friends, or elsewhere, and you will want to avoid a scene if at all possible. Avoid using email or text message. This sort of talk needs to be discussed in person or at least in real-time. It might also be emotionally charged, and you don't want your parents to misread your words.
Start a conversation. Ease into the talk by engaging your parents in normal conversation. Don't jump right into a prepared spiel but chat, put your parents at ease, and get them ready gradually for the news. You might start by asking your mom and dad how they are, i.e. “How are you doing? How was work today?” Answer with follow up questions: “Have you been really busy this week at work, Dad?” Chatting with your parents will give you a sense of mood. Are they ready to talk? Or are they under stress? Are their minds on other, pressing issues?
Raise the subject carefully, if the time and place are right. You're probably concerned that your parents will be angry or disappointed at you for smoking. But don't let fear stop you. Instead, put your concern into words as part of the conversation. Get a sense from the conversation of whether your parents are in a good frame of mind. What is their mood like? Are you in a private place? Do they seem calm? If you think the time is right, approach the subject. Say something like, “Mom, we need to talk” or “There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Dad.” If you think your parents might be harsh or unsupportive, try to defuse their anger from the start. Say something like, “Mom, there's something I want to tell you – but I'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me” or “Can we talk about something, Dad? It's something I'm not very proud of.”
Striking the Right Tone
Reassure them. Take a deep breath and go for it. Before you get into details, though, keep in mind that your parents have no idea what you are about to say. Be reassuring. Let them know that you are not in immediate danger. Be clear that you are not in more serious trouble. They will probably be relieved to hear that you haven't committed a crime, for example, and are not on academic probation. Say something to the effect of, “Before you get too worried, just know that I'm not in any kind of danger or serious trouble.” This reassurance can work to your advantage. For a worried parent, smoking may be a minor concern.
Be direct. Don't mince words. Tell your parents that you smoke and that you want them to know because you're concerned for yourself and for their opinion. Consider something to the point, i.e. “Dad, all I want to tell you is that I smoke” or “Mom, I'm sorry but I smoke.” If your parents are sensitive about smoking, adding an apology might soften a negative reaction: “I know how you feel about cigarettes and I'm really sorry. It just sort of happened. I feel like I've disappointed you.”
Be honest. Keep things frank with your parents during the conversation. Don't lie about when you started or about how much you smoke, if they ask. Give an honest explanation so that they can understand the situation. Offer details. Explain when and how you started smoking and how much you smoke. For instance, “Well, it started last spring when I was really stressed out. I got a pack from the corner store – they didn't card me. But now I'm up to half a pack a day and it's starting to get out of hand.” Speak calmly. Use a concerned tone and look your parents in the eye. Try not to sound defiant or argumentative.
Listen to what your parents have to say. Your parents might be supportive. On the other hand, they might be disappointed, preachy, angry, or all at the same time. Still, listen to what they have to say even if you disagree. Remain respectful. Let your news sink in and give your parents time to think and react. Wait for them to make the next move and let them speak their minds. Try not to interrupt. Your parents may well have questions about your habit. Be willing to give them straight answers. Try not to whine or argue. Even if your mom and dad are angry, resist becoming defensive and avoid a blowup. If they are really angry, try to defuse things by pointing out that the situation is urgent and that you want their help.
Asking for Help
Stay calm. Avoid getting angry with your parents. They have your best interest at heart, even if they are unhappy with your smoking. The important thing is for you to get their help to stop smoking. Own up to your decisions. Remember that you made the initial choice to start smoking, even if it is now out of control. Your parents may point out – forcefully – that you made a bad choice. Instead of becoming defensive, admit that it was a poor decision, i.e. “Yes, it was a bad decision. I shouldn't have started in the first place.”
Ask for advice. Your mom and dad have a lot more life experience than you. Are they current or recovering smokers? Maybe they know what you're going through or can advise you on quitting. Don't be shy. Ask them. Be clear that you want help. Say something like, “I know it's really unhealthy. That's why I'm asking if you can help me.” If you know that one of your parents smoked, ask them directly about the experience. Say, “Dad, I know that you quit smoking when I was little. How did you do it?” Make it clear that you are having trouble addressing the issue on your own and want their support. Consider surrendering your cigarettes as a goodwill gesture to your parents. Giving them up will signal that you're putting yourself in mom and dad's care.
Make a plan. Make a plan of action with your parents so that you can get started with quitting. Take their advice, take their help, and do whatever it takes. They will want to pitch in and should make an effort to support you. Pick a quitting day. Whether you are going cold turkey or need a quitting aid, set a clear day to begin. Talk to your doctor. With or without your parents, talk to a doctor about your habit. She will be able to advise you on how to quit, including the use of cessation products like nicotine patches, gum, or inhalers. Ask for solidarity. The biggest role your parents can play in quitting is to support you, encourage you, and pick you up when you're down. You'll need them on your side.
Be ready for bumps along the way. Quitting won't be easy. Stick to your plan and keep the lines of communication with your parents open. Let them know what you are going through and when you need extra support. You'll probably feel irritable or anxious and may have trouble concentrating. These are signs of withdrawal. They mean that you have a nicotine dependence and are natural when you're quitting. You may also have cravings. Limit things that trigger cravings. These could be when you're feeling stressed or down, watching TV, with a friend who smokes, or drinking coffee. Try watching less TV if it triggers you to smoke, for instance. Or, drink tea if coffee tempts you. Be sure to stay hydrated and stay active. In fact, exercise may help to curb your cravings. If your parents are smokers, consider asking them to join you in your quitting program. If not, they may be willing to exercise with you or just offer a sympathetic ear on bad days. The first 7 to 10 days of quitting are the hardest. Don't be discouraged by slips and keep trying.
Comments
0 comment