- Feeding and touch are often the key bonding activities between parent and child; if either of these feels difficult or unpleasant, there may be a disconnect.
- PPD (post-partum depression) is very common for parents after childbirth, and this anxiety may be blocking you from emotionally connecting with your newborn.
- Like adults, babies go through periods of tension and stress. Be patient and give them lots of skin-to-skin touch; usually, their agitation goes away with time.
Signs Your Bond is Strained
Nursing feels unpleasant and difficult. Breastfeeding (or giving your baby formula, if you can’t breastfeed) is a key activity that bonds parents and newborns. It may not go smoothly every time, but, more often than not, it should feel like some connection is being formed. If every time your baby needs to be fed, it feels stressful or like a chore, there’s a chance one or both of you are experiencing an emotional disconnect. It’s totally normal to go through periods where feeding your baby is a hassle. Your newborn may be bitey, refuse to latch, or go on a breastfeeding strike altogether. However, these periods are usually temporary. If they last for more than a few weeks, you may need to make some extra effort to connect.
It’s hard maintaining eye contact. Consistent warm and loving eye contact is key to building a secure attachment with your baby. If making eye contact is difficult for one or both of you, this could mean your bond is still shaky or insecure. Fear of eye contact is normal for a lot of people (even parents and children). Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be to maintain eye contact. If your baby is struggling to make eye contact with you, try keeping a happy or playful expression. If they know eye contact is meant to be fun, they’ll feel safer looking at you and others.
You get frustrated with your child. Everyone gets angry, especially after having a new kid. Your routine changes dramatically, your responsibility increases, and the constant crying of a newborn isn’t exactly a tranquil sound. However, if your energy around your child is constantly hostile, your baby will pick up on it and it may stifle your bonding. Anger is rarely directed at your baby. It’s a reaction to fear, disappointment, or stress. However, your newborn doesn’t have the capacity to understand that yet. If you’re feeling aggravated, the best thing to do is walk away, deal with it in a space away from your child, then return once you’re calmer so your baby doesn’t absorb your tense energy. Smiling is a great way to get your frustration under control. Not only is it hard to be angry when smiling, it also sends a signal to your child that things are safe and cheerful.
You’re afraid to touch your newborn. Physical touch is an essential love language and caregiving technique, especially for infants. If holding, cuddling, or making skin-to-skin contact with your baby feels awkward or offputting, it’s a sign you may not be as bonded as you could be. Letting your baby co-sleep with you is a great way to make touch more comfortable for you both. Just allowing your newborn to rest on your stomach will make your child feel more relaxed. Plus, it can release oxytocin which relieves stress and builds emotional connection naturally.
Your baby has oral aversion. Feeding is a way all parents connect with their children. If your child refuses to put anything in their mouth, this makes feeding difficult, which can cause this bonding process to feel impossible for both of you. Almost all children go through an oral aversion period at some point. However, this usually happens during toddlerhood. If your newborn has no interest in eating or licking anything, it could lead to a less rich emotional bond. One of the best ways to decrease oral aversion is to make chewing and feeding fun. Give your baby a toy or pacifier to suck on, or play “Here’s the airplane” with their food and lots of silly sound effects to make the process of putting things in their mouth feel playful.
You’re unaffected by your child’s crying. Research shows that new parents often have a visceral reaction to hearing their babies cry. Their caregiving instincts kick into gear, they do anything they can to calm them, and they heavily empathize with the baby’s pain (even if they don’t understand it). If you don’t feel much when you hear your baby cry, you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, you may want to make more of an effort to bond emotionally with your child. You’re more likely to become desensitized to your child’s cries if they feel frequent or inconsolable. If your baby keeps crying (and you’ve checked the obvious symptoms), call your pediatrician to ensure it’s nothing serious. Then, put them in their crib. Sometimes, babies just need to cry it out, and surrendering to this will make your (and their) emotions easier to manage.
Your baby is fussy and tense around you for months. Life can be overwhelming for newborns. However, as time goes on and they spend quality time with their caregivers (parents, grandparents, siblings), they tend to feel relaxed and safe in their presence. If your baby refuses to relax, no matter how much quality attention you give them, it’s a sign there’s a missing link in your bond. Don’t blame yourself for an excessively fussy child. There are a ton of factors outside your control that could be causing your baby to be tense and weepy, from colic to depression. (Yes, babies get depressed too.)
Caring for your newborn feels like a chore. Nobody loves changing poopy diapers and getting up multiple times in the middle of the night. However, the love you have for your child is often enough to carry you through the less glamorous responsibilities of parenthood. It’s totally valid to feel stressed and exhausted, but if that’s all you feel all the time, your bond with your baby could probably be a bit stronger. The best way you can cope with the fatigue of new parenthood is to ask for help. Don’t try to do every single thing yourself. Ask your loved ones who have children for tips and tricks, let them babysit, and invite them over to make playing with the baby a more lively social activity.
Reasons You May Be Struggling to Bond
You’re suffering from post-partum depression. PPD (post-partum depression) is a hormonal shift that affects nearly 20% of mothers after childbirth. It can cause feelings of severe depression, anxiety, irritability, and negatively affect your concentration. PPD is a normal side effect of having a baby; it’s not a character flaw or weakness. However, if you’re struggling to maintain your own mental health, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to fully connect with your newborn until these symptoms are addressed. Post-partum depression can be treated with a variety of self-care and clinical approaches. Manage your stress by meditating and journaling, seek counseling to talk about your feelings openly, and ask your doctor if you feel like antidepressants might help. Post-partum depression isn’t just a mom thing either. It’s estimated that about 1 in 10 dads deal with “baby blues” after childbirth too.
You’re mentally and physically exhausted. Pregnancy and childbirth can be physically, mentally, and emotionally stressful. You sleep significantly less and your stress rises. Plus, if you’re a new mom, you’re likely still recovering from the physical pains of labor. This fatigue may damper your focus, which can make it harder to connect with your baby. You can’t properly care for your child if you don’t properly care for yourself. Talk to your partner or other family members if you’re feeling overwhelmed, ensure you’re staying hydrated, eating right, and getting as much sleep as you can. Also, if you need to, ask people to babysit so you can get some quality me-time at least once a week.
One (or both) of you feels isolated and lonely. There are lots of reasons (all of which are totally valid) that you may feel alienated from your newborn. If they were born prematurely and had to spend time in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), this may have created a degree of separation anxiety between you. In addition, the new responsibilities of parenthood can cause dramatic shifts in your social life. You may have to put friendships on the back burner while caring for your newborn, which can cause loneliness and make bonding a bit tougher. Natal nurses will often allow time for you to hold your baby, even while your child’s in the NICU. Make the most of this time and get all the skin-to-skin contact you can. This will make bonding easier once your child is cleared and healthy. Don’t feel guilty for feeling lonely as a new parent! While a bond with your baby is special, it’s fair to miss your old social life. Try to make the most of texting and FaceTime to remain in contact with your friends, even if you can’t do a night out. You could also set up a play-date if your friends have kids in the same age range.
You have past traumas with children that you’re working through. Maybe you dealt with a miscarriage. Maybe your parents weren’t the most loving or connected to you as a baby, or the birthing process was unexpectedly complicated. Whatever the case, if you’re dealing with tough feelings regarding your baby or babies in general, you may be putting walls up to protect yourself from reliving those past fears or struggles. While this is a totally normal defense mechanism, it may be preventing you from allowing yourself to feel deeply around your child, which is necessary for emotional bonding. It may help to make a list of your all fears regarding your child and parenthood in general. Then, sit down with someone you trust and go over each one. Verbalizing them will help reduce their power. You can even tear up the list when you’re done.
Too many caregivers are looking after your child. Having lots of loved ones who can look after your baby is a blessing. However, too many cooks in the kitchen can make it difficult for your child to connect with any one person in particular (including you). If your newborn is being cuddled, fed, and played with by multiple people every week, their bonds won’t be as strong as they would if they had only one or two primary caregivers. To prevent too many caregivers, consider creating a set schedule for visitors every week. Allow your parents, friends, and family members to come by and look after the child as much as they want for an allotted amount of time. Once that time is up, respectfully ask them to leave. They’ll understand (especially if they have kids too).
Your baby is dealing with minor health issues. Sometimes, your newborn may refuse to bond, because they’re dealing with an underlying health issue and they don’t know how else to communicate. Your house may be triggering an allergy for your child which can make them cranky, drowsy, or detached. They may cry atypically because they’re suffering from an infection, or something more serious may be going on. Babies can also get depressed due to loneliness, anxiety, and hunger. The best way to help with your newborn’s depression is to spend as much time with them as possible. Cuddle them for hours, and soothe them before they fall asleep. If your baby has mood swings or a hard time sitting still, their hyperactivity can make it hard for them to bond. The best way to bond with a hyperactive child is through activities that allow them to move around a lot. Bounce them and play into their need to move rather than against it. If your child is detached from bonding for more than a few days, see a pediatrician to determine if there’s an underlying health issue at play. (There often isn’t, but better safe than sorry!)
How to Bond With Your Baby
Make lots of skin-to-skin contact. Babies need to be touched constantly, otherwise, they get stressed, which makes it difficult to bond. Hold, cuddle, and massage your baby regularly to relax them and increase your emotional bond. It can be helpful to massage your baby in the same place with the same motion every time. This will create a routine, and they’ll learn to inherently feel safe with your touch.
Talk to your child regularly. Talking to your baby not only increases your bond by getting them accustomed to the sound of your voice, it also helps them understand language and the world around them. An easy way to make talking to your baby a regular habit is to simply tell them what you’re doing while you spend time with them. For example, you might say “I’m putting you in a blanket because your feet are cold” or “I’m bouncing you up and down because it makes you giggle and that makes me happy.”
Swaddle your baby and sing them to sleep. Swaddling your baby is a great way to make them feel cozy and safe, regardless of when and where they sleep. In addition, rocking them gently back and forth and singing a soft, soothing lullaby will teach them to trust your voice as a safe comforting sound, which can increase your bond. To swaddle your baby, place them in a blanket with the top corner folded down. Lay their hand by their side and bring the bottom corners down over their right and left shoulders, tucking after each fold. Stop swaddling your baby after about 2 months, once they know how to roll over. It can be dangerous for a baby to roll over while swaddled.
Carry your baby around with you in a carrier. Experts confirm that wearing your baby has numerous psychological and health benefits. It promotes bonding and intimacy. It allows the child to move around without any strain or fatigue. Plus, it helps reduce health risks like flat-head syndrome. Try making an effort to walk around while wearing your baby for at least a few minutes every day. Babywearing has also been shown to help reduce post-partum depression as it enhances the healthy hormones babies receive when they feel when close to us. This promotes closeness for both parent and child.
Seek treatment if you’re suffering from post-partum depression. Getting your depression and anxiety under control will dramatically increase your attentiveness to your child and therefore your bond. Get in touch with a therapist or someone who specializes in PPD so you have an expert to help keep you on track. Otherwise, practice self-compassion, create realistic expectations for yourself for the first few weeks after childbirth, and spend some time in nature to help restore your sense of peace.
Focus on self-care as well as childcare. Caring for a child is like an airplane oxygen mask. You have to help yourself before you can help others. Make sure you’re maintaining healthy physical habits like exercising regularly, mental habits like creating a consistent sleep schedule, and emotional habits like journaling every day. It can help to create a post-partum plan before your baby is born to remind yourself what to do on a daily basis. Pre-child you is likely to be less stressed and have a bit more mental clarity than post-child you.
How long does bonding take?
Bonding with your child happens gradually over months, even years. It’s normal not to feel perfectly synced with your baby right away. Experts suggest that your connection to your child will develop gradually over their first year (or few years) of life. Just be patient and bond at your own pace. Spend lots of time playing with your baby, touching your baby, feeding your baby in a way that promotes intimacy, and soothing your baby to sleep. Your child will recognize this attention over time and that feeling of unconditional closeness will get stronger every day.
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