- Practice active listening to better understand what your husband is saying and to help him understand where you're coming from.
- Fight productively: communicate expectations clearly, and criticize your partner's actions, rather than your partner himself.
- Remember that neither of you is a mind-reader. Don't take it for granted that your husband automatically knows how you feel, or that you know how he feels.
- Take a break from fighting when you need it. It's OK to put a fight on hold for a night, but let your husband know you want to continue it later.
Practice active listening.
Give each other your undivided attention to improve comprehension. If your husband doesn’t seem to understand what you’re saying, take a look at your active listening skills as a couple. When you speak to one another, do you really pay attention to what the other is saying? Active listening will help you avoid misunderstandings and resolve a disagreement more swiftly. Why does this work? Active listening is not only about paying attention to another person, but showing them that you’re paying attention. When you and your partner take steps to improve your active listening skills, you’ll each feel heard, respected, and more thoroughly understood. Let the other person speak uninterrupted. Nod, lean toward them, and maintain eye contact to indicate engagement in what they’re saying. Listen without judgment to what they say. Being nonjudgmental is less about not being judgmental than it is about going into the conversation with an open mind and working to withhold any judgments you do have. Repeat what they have said back to them so they know you have been paying attention and understand what they said. When you do speak, try to adopt a calm, clear, undefensive tone. This may not always be possible depending on the subject, but the calmer you both are during an argument, the easier it will be to come to a resolution.
Be specific about your needs and feelings.
Communicate your expectations to ensure he understands them. Express your point of view on the given topic, including what you need from him—and ask him what he needs and expects from you as well. Remember: neither of you are mind-readers, meaning you don’t know what he’s thinking and he doesn’t know what you’re thinking unless you both clearly express it. Why does this work? It’s easy to assume our emotions are universal, or that our significant others will instinctively know what we’re feeling and what we need. These assumptions are often…well, totally wrong. Clarifying expectations will help you both understand one another and resolve disagreements more swiftly. Your husband’s tendency to misinterpret what you say could be due to him being overly sensitive. If this is the case, explicitly expressing needs and feelings may help him avoid overanalyzing what you say or taking offense where you meant none. Being specific doesn’t mean overexplaining: communicate your needs and expectations clearly, but try to keep it simple. Some men jump to “fix” problems when their partners voice them, but often, this isn’t what their partners actually want! Help him understand that you’re not always looking for a solution, you just want him to hear you.
Criticize his behavior rather than him.
Resist the urge to name-call, since this will only make the problem worse. Instead, use your disagreements as opportunities for growth. When he says or does something that upsets you—say, not telling you he’d be working late—be careful not to call him insensitive or careless or to assume he did it to hurt you (even if you really want to). Instead, focus on the specific action and how it made you feel: “Not letting me know you’d be home late was really careless. I felt really disrespected.” Why does this work? When you’re frustrated with your partner, it can be tempting to criticize them as a person—which can make them get defensive or resentful. But resolving a disagreement means approaching the issue from a place of grace and patience, not vindictiveness or resentment. Criticism is one of psychologist John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of divorce—that is, 4 predictors a couple will break up. If you and your partner sometimes criticize each other, don’t worry that a breakup is on the horizon: just work to make your arguments more productive. Resist the urge to punish your partner when they do or say something that upsets you (e.g., by criticizing or withdrawing from them).
Try to understand his point of view.
A fight can't be resolved without empathy and open-mindedness. Resist the urge to interrupt him with how you feel; instead, listen to what he says nonjudgmentally, even if what he’s saying seems off base. Give him the benefit of the doubt: consider what experiences he’s had that might influence how he views the world, or how his upbringing might have conditioned him to perceive things a certain way, and try to resist the need to be “right” or to “win” the argument. Why does this work? Listening with empathy and trying to understand where he’s coming from will help him feel supported as well as make him more receptive to what you are saying. This will help you both avoid misinterpreting each other. Ask him what he thinks you don’t understand about his perspective, so that you can address it. Ask him how he feels about what he’s telling you. For instance, “How did you feel when you got turned down for that promotion?” He may say, “I felt angry,” but he might also shrug it off, not wanting to get into it. If he shrugs off the question, respond empathetically with how you might feel in his shoes: “I would feel pretty upset,” or “I can tell by the look on your face you’re pretty disappointed.” Are you dealing with a spouse who always needs to be "right"? It may be an indicator he struggles with low self-esteem.
Use “I” statements.
“I” language helps you own your perspective without diminishing his. When expressing how you feel or what you want, focus on you, not him. “I” statements turn the focus from your perception of your husband’s experience to the reality of your own experience. When we make “you” statements, we’re usually making assumptions about another person’s experience or intentions (usually negative ones!), as well as deflecting responsibility for our own feelings. Why does this work? “I” language in disagreements yields faster and more effective resolutions than “you” language. “I” language will show your husband how you feel, as well as not lay all the blame for a situation on him or insult his person. For instance, instead of “You need to change,” say, “I feel like things need to change.” Using “I” language doesn’t mean never saying “you.” It just means not using “you” in an accusatory way. Using “you” accusatorily is likely to make your spouse get defensive (defensiveness is another of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen).
Stay on topic.
Focusing on the topic at hand will help you argue more efficiently. It’s easy for arguments to spin out of control and for old wounds to be reopened, either because they were never fully resolved or because one party wants to “win” the argument. But resolving a disagreement usually involves compartmentalizing, to some extent. This means resisting the urge to go on tangents, to bring irrelevant issues into the conversation, or to deflect responsibility for your actions. Why does this work? Pointing fingers, going on tangents, or trying to “win” the fight can make your spouse defensive, distracted, confused, or unnecessarily hurt or guilty—all of which are counterproductive to resolving a disagreement. If you’re arguing about how your husband doesn’t do the dishes enough, avoid exploding the fight by bringing up past offenses, like that time 10 years ago when he dropped $200 on concert tickets when you were both behind on rent. When your husband says something that triggers defensiveness in you, try not to deflect by hurling an accusation back at him. For instance, if he expresses that something you did upset him, resist the urge to retort with, “Oh yeah? Well what about when you….” If your husband insists on going off-topic, ask him firmly but gently if you can stay focused on the immediate issue. Offer to address his topics at a later time, if he wants.
Get to the heart of the argument.
Stay on topic—but explore the problems underlying petty disagreements. Oftentimes, a fight isn’t about what it seems to be about on the surface. Superficial arguments can arise because deep-seated feelings have gone unaddressed. Don’t get hung up on the seemingly insignificant details of an argument: look for what’s really triggering your partner’s (or your) distress. Explore the deeper issues by asking your partner how the situation at hand makes them feel and explaining in clear terms how it makes you feel. Why does this work? Men in particular are often socialized not to engage with their deeper emotions. Dissecting a “superficial” argument to explore what deeper problems and feelings underlie it can help you both resolve the disagreement as well as grow emotionally closer and feel more intimate. For instance, you might say, “I can’t believe you spent your money on that,” and your spouse might feel confused and defensive: why should you care, he might wonder. But the underlying issue may be related to your concerns about money: maybe going over budget makes you feel insecure, while saving money gives you a feeling of stability and safety.
Take regular breaks from fighting.
You won’t be able to fight productively if you’re tired. You don’t have to air all your grievances in one conversation, or even one day. You might get tired or hungry. Maybe you need time to emotionally process what’s already been said. Communicate clearly with your partner, “I want to resolve this, but I’m getting a little worn out and I need some time to rest and think. Can we revisit this tomorrow?” Why does this work? The advice “Don’t go to bed angry” may be well-intentioned, but the truth is that some issues can’t be resolved in one discussion. The pressure to resolve a disagreement immediately can tire you out—and being tired just makes you more likely to stop listening and say things you don’t mean. Be sure to express to your partner that you aren’t avoiding fighting by ducking out and that you really want to come to a solution when you’re feeling more rested. Don’t table your discussion for too long, though—otherwise, you run the risk of it never being resolved and of your partner feeling ignored. To let them know you’re serious about continuing the conversation, schedule a specific time to talk again the next day or later that week—and then stick to it.
Regularly show your appreciation for one another.
He'll be less likely to misinterpret you when he knows you have his back. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of an argument to employ expert communication skills. Regularly express respect and care for your husband verbally and through acts of love. This way, when arguments do occur, he knows it’s not the end of the world—that you can disagree and still love and appreciate one another. Why does this work? Many arguments happen because one or both parties feels uncertain of their partner’s love, respect, and appreciation. Fighting could be your husband’s misguided way of trying to get your attention. Showing him regularly that you love him will help you fight more productively, as well as less often. Express how you feel about him and acknowledge his hard work: “I love you so much, Ana. I’m so lucky to have a guy like you.” “Thanks for making dinner! That was great.” “You work so hard. I really appreciate everything you do.” Make plenty of time to talk—without arguing. Set aside time each evening to talk about your day, and plan regular dates so you get enough attention from one another. If you feel neglected by your husband, express that to him: “Dave, I love you, but I feel like lately we only talk to argue. Can we make a date to spend some quality time together?” “Johann, I’m really not feeling valued in this relationship. I don’t feel like my work is acknowledged.” “I really need to hear you say you love me more, Gregor.”
Work on your communication skills as a team.
If both of you don't work on your communication, it won't get better. Communication is a 2-way street. Approach your spouse about how you can both improve your active listening skills, and make a habit of regularly sharing your feelings with one another—the negative and the positive. Explore your specific communication styles with one another so that you both know how to interpret the other’s behavior and words in an argument. Why does this work? Articles like this one may help you understand your spouse and yourself a bit better, but you both need to do the work to understand your dynamic and how it can be improved. You’re only responsible for your behavior, and he’s responsible for his. Ask your partner what triggers may lead to escalation in a fight. Your partner likely has triggers you wouldn’t have considered, and vice versa. When you take a pause from your fight, use it as an opportunity to ask your partner how they think the fight is going—not the issue the fight stemmed from, but the fight itself. Do they think you’re both doing a good job listening to one another and understanding one another?
Seek couples counseling.
Sometimes, you need the help of a mental health professional, and that’s OK. Relationship counseling exists because so many couples struggle to communicate with one another and don’t want to throw in the towel. It's normal to fight in a relationship, but if you and your partner are having trouble understanding where the other is coming from, meet with a couples counselor. Why does this work? It can be hard to improve your communication style without a guide. A couples counselor will work to understand your relationship dynamic and, more importantly, help you both to understand your dynamic. Many counselors, like Better Help, offer remote counseling for your convenience. You or your husband may also benefit from individual counseling. Augment weekly counseling with one-on-one time for you and your spouse: make a ritual of seeing a movie after each session, or get coffee or lunch after therapy so you can talk about the session or just enjoy each other’s company.
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