Maintaining a healthy relationship is a complex process that involves a wide range of factors. Perhaps the most important out of all the factors is communication. According to research conducted by psychologist and sexologist Dr John Gottman, poor communication is one of the primary reasons why most relationships fail. After studying relationships for more than 50 years, he has identified that the way people communicate with their partners plays a crucial role in determining the success or failure of a relationship.
Psychologist Dr John Gottman’s book, What Predicts Divorce? delves into this topic and identifies the four most problematic types of communication that can destroy any relationship. Studying 40,000 couples, he has been able to shed light on the critical aspects of communication that lead to the breakdown of a relationship.
Contempt
Gottman has stated that this type of communication is the biggest predictor that a relationship is on the way to its doom. Contempt is a toxic form of communication that can quickly erode any relationship. It involves expressing disrespect or disgust towards your partner, which can be done through name-calling, eye-rolling, or ridicule. These actions can be incredibly hurtful and demeaning. If a partner engages in this time of communication, over time, they can make the other person feel undervalued and unimportant. Contempt can lead to a breakdown in communication, a loss of intimacy, and ultimately, the end of a relationship.
Criticism
Yet another type of problematic communication, is when someone attacks their partner’s character. Especially coming out during an argument, a partner might choose to insult their partner with criticism instead of focusing on specific behaviours or actions. This can cause them to feel defensive and hurt. Criticism is more than the words that appear on the surface. It can lead to severe mental health issues, including damaging self-esteem and can create feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration. This is what builds up and can grow into contempt. It is important to communicate our needs and concerns in a way that is respectful and non-judgmental.
Defensiveness
This is a common response to criticism and can make communication even more difficult. When we become defensive, we are protecting ourselves from feeling hurt or vulnerable. However, this type of communication can come across as blaming or dismissive. Unsurprisingly, being defensive can escalate the conflict. It is important to acknowledge a partner’s concerns and take responsibility for one’s own actions when necessary.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is a communication pattern that involves withdrawing from the conversation or avoiding it altogether. This can be done by ignoring, zoning out, or acting busy. Stonewalling can be a sign of emotional shutdown or an attempt to avoid conflict. However, it can be incredibly frustrating for the other person and can make them feel unheard or dismissed. It’s important to stay engaged in the conversation and communicate openly and honestly, even when it’s difficult.
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