- Gather the evidence that they’re being dishonest and confront them with it in a calm, reasonable, and responsible way.
- If they won’t admit they’re trying to pull a fast one on you, either cut them off or move on with your life knowing they aren’t worth trusting.
- If you feel like something is off in your relationship and they’re emotionally distant, it’s a big sign they may be hiding something.
What to Do if You’re Being Fooled
Gather any evidence you have that demonstrates your concern. Obviously, you should include any “gotcha” evidence if you have it, but it’s also worth pulling the stuff you’re just generally concerned about, too. Either the overwhelming evidence will keep them from trying to lie their way out of it, or you’ll at least demonstrate that your worries are well-founded. You might gather all of the texts that were red flags your partner was lying, alongside Instagram photos from the times they were out and about but said they were at home. If you plan on talking about something another friend or family member saw/heard, talk to them first to get consent to drop their name. They may not want to pick sides or get in the middle of things.
Confront them and ask for the truth. Calmly and politely ask if you can talk to them. Then, break down where your concerns are coming from and ask them to tell you the truth. If all goes well, they’ll drop the act and open up about what’s going on. If they don’t, you can either keep pressing them to open up, or drop it and accept they’re not going to be the decent person you need them to be. If they refuse to give in and they’re adamant that they aren’t fooling you, use your best judgment. Is it possible this is in your head? Could they really be honest about not lying to you?
Go to couples therapy if you need help getting through. If your long-term partner is the one fooling you and they just won’t stop or you need help communicating, consider getting some professional help in the form of couples therapy. A trained professional will help you two work through your issues and unwind any problems the two of you are dealing with.
Let it go if you’re able to live with their indiscretions. If they’ve been lying about something but it’s not that big of a deal, you may be best off just ignoring it. This is an especially good solution if it’s a parent or sibling and the lying doesn’t concern you directly. Just chalk it up as a failure on their part and go on living your best life. As painful as it can be to know someone you care about isn’t being honest with you, it helps to remember that you can only control yourself. You can’t be honest on behalf of someone who refuses to be honest with themselves.
Leave if you’re at your wit’s end with the dishonesty. If they refuse to change and you aren’t able to live with the indiscretion (which is completely valid and fair), it may be time end the friendship or break up. It may not be fun, but you’ll be much happier at the end of the day. You are not responsible for putting up with people who engage in toxic or abusive behavior. Do not blame yourself if you have to sever ties with someone.
Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to deal with someone you love manipulating you or lying, so it’s especially important that you treat yourself correctly when you’re dealing with this. Don’t blame yourself, engage in plenty of self-care, and don’t get down in the dumps over this whole thing. You owe it to yourself to hold your head high—you were the honest one, after all. It’s okay to be sad about the end of a relationship, so don’t get frustrated if you feel down after the dust settles. Just remember that none of this was your fault.
Signs That You’re Being Deceived
They seem emotionally distant. If they don’t feel like they’re genuine and engaged when you’re around, it could be a sign they aren’t fully investing in your relationship. If someone is dedicated to honesty and mutual respect, then it probably won't feel like they're keeping something from you or focusing their energy elsewhere. Does it feel kind of empty when they say things like, “I’m here for you,” or, “You know I care about you, right?” If so, that could be a sign that they're detached and possibly, being dishonest.
They love bomb you then disappear. Love bombing is when someone showers you with affection in an effort to control you. This is a classic strategy among manipulators because it makes it harder to point out problems if you feel good. While love bombing on its own is an issue, it's also a sign that this person is hiding something from you. It’s especially telling if they follow it up by ghosting you or disappearing for days at a time. You can tell the difference between love bombing and genuine affection by considering when they’re showing you love. If they only shower you with love when they want something from you, that could definitely mean they're up no good (and it might be time to investigate).
Something has changed in the texture of the relationship. Your emotions are full of important information. If you feel like something is “off” or like your relationship with this person isn’t the same as it used to be, you might be on to something. A lot of the time, when you're internal radar goes off, it's a signal that a person close to you is being deceptive. This is especially true if this feeling is new; so, though you trusted your partner before, it now feels like something's changed. This isn’t to say that you’re incapable of being lied to by your emotions—everyone is. And if you have a history of being suspicious of honest partners, it might be better to look for more perspective. But if you're usually a trusting person and yet, you feel something's off, you might want to dig deeper. Your gut is a powerful tool!
They keep blaming you for things you didn’t do. Dishonest people often project their dishonesty on to other people. If you bring up that you’re feeling a little insecure about them lying to you and they start accusing you of lying, that's probably not a good sign. Deflection, defense mechanisms, and misdirection can all play a part of a liar’s toolbox when it comes to keeping the fingers pointed away from them. This is especially telling if you bring up your grievance in a super calm and reasonable way, then they turn around to explode and shout while accusing you. Don’t engage in a fight, but use it as an opportunity to study where they direct the conversation. If they're lying to you, this could clue you into what they're lying about. For instance, if they keep circling back to their fear that you cheated, it might be time to ask them if they've been faithful.
You’re in pain and they don’t address it. If you’re obviously hurting and there’s an inequity or conflict in your relationship, a genuine and authentic partner should do everything in their power to repair things. If they don’t seem interested in fixing their mistakes, then they probably aren't committing to you like they should (and it could be because they're being deceptive). Sometimes, other things might cause a partner to miss your signals, though. If they have a major stressor popping up right now, for example, that could effect their ability to be a good partner.
They’re being obviously suspicious. If your loved one disappears without explanation, refuses to tell you where they’re going, or behaves extremely secretively, don’t let them trick you into thinking nothing is going on. You’re smart and observant enough to identify shady behavior, and shady behavior is indeed a sign that someone isn’t being forthright with you. For instance, they might: Take long calls, but not tell you who they were with Turn off their phone during long, unexplained absences Spend lots of money at restaurants and bars, then offer strange explanations when you ask for clarity
Assessing Your Relationship
Identify what they get out of their lie. What is this person’s motivation for manipulating or lying? Do they have a history of cheating on romantic partners, or lying when it benefits them financially? Figuring out the other person gets out of their dishonesty will inform how you address it. There’s a big difference between fooling you to commit adultery and fooling you to avoid conflict about house chores. Short of doing some serious snooping, there may be no way for you to 100% uncover the truth about why they’re being dishonest. Do your best to assess their goals based on what you know about them. Occam’s razor, which is the principle that the simplest explanation is the most likely, is a good way to approach this. Don’t assume they’re secretly building up to divorce you when it’s possible they’re just in a funk about work.
Determine if you can learn to live and forgive. If you don’t think you’re able to let this go, it may be best to just break up or cut off contact now instead of extending the pain. However, if you can find a place in your heart to potentially forgive them or you care enough about your relationship that it’s worth fighting for, then don’t get discouraged!
Ask a friend or family member you trust to give you feedback. If you aren’t sure whether you’re on to something or not, ask someone who won’t sugarcoat things for their genuine assessment of your relationship. They’ll tell you whether you’re being illogical or getting all up in your head over things, or if there’s actually a problem with your relationship that you haven’t been seeing. You might ask something like, “Hey, no judgement or anything. Are Mark and I a good, healthy couple, or do you think he’s kind of shady?” or, “Does Uncle Ron seem like he’s using me for money? Sometimes I’m not sure if he really needs the help.”
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