How to Accept Being Disliked

Keeping a Positive Attitude

Recognize that your feelings are normal. If being disliked or rejected hurts you, rest assured that you are not too sensitive or imagining things; it hurts to be disliked, even if you don't particularly like the person who dislikes you! It's totally normal to feel angry, anxious, jealous, or sad if you experience social rejection. Feelings of rejection can even result in physical symptoms like the inability to sleep and a lowered immune response, which might lead to illness.

Keep it in perspective. Sure, some people dislike you, but other people like you. Figuring out which people's opinions should matter to you, and learning to ignore the rest, is a life-long challenge for many people. Ask yourself: Who are the people who dislike you? Is it only one person, a few people, or a whole group of people? Have you done anything to deserve being disliked? Could there be a misunderstanding or a rumor that has caused people to dislike you? Once you figure out who dislikes you and why, you can ask yourself "Does their opinion of you matter?" If the person is not an important part of your life, recognize that everyone has some people who don't particularly like them, and this person's opinion of you shouldn't matter. He or she is not central in your life or a factor in your happiness.

Look for acceptance elsewhere. If someone dislikes you, one way to deal with it is to be sure that you have a support system that accepts and loves you. Having a few people who dislike you won't be as big of a deal. In fact, your brain produces opioids in response to positive social interactions, so having a few friends you can rely on can help to counter the pain of social rejection from those who dislike you. If making friends is hard for you, check out this helpful wikiHow article for tips on meeting and making new friends.

Don't get angry. It's common to feel angry if you are disliked for no reason or for reasons beyond your control, but lashing out doesn't make things better. In fact, it is likely to make it worse. Aggressive people are often seen as threatening, which can cause even more social rejection. Try to redirect feelings of anger by breathing deeply, focusing on your surroundings, and channeling your energy into other activities like yoga, running, or weight training.

Keep your integrity. If someone dislikes you, don't let them get to you and change who you are. Keep your integrity by responding with respect, honesty, and patience. Having compassion for others is key. Remember that there could be a million reasons why someone dislikes you that have nothing to do with you! Maybe you remind the person of someone who has hurt her in the past. In fact, social scientists have found that some people are just predisposed to be "haters." If the person who dislikes you also seems generally negative toward others, this person might just have a personality type that thrives on negativity.

Get help if you don't feel better. It's normal to be sad or hurt if someone dislikes you or rejects you, but sometimes those feelings intensify instead of getting better with time. Some people who experience rejection might end up feeling depressed or even suicidal. It's important to have someone you can trust that you can ask for help if you start to feel overwhelmed or devastated by being disliked. Talk to a close friend, family member, clergy, or counselor if you need help. You can also call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (in the United States) at 988 any time of day or night. You don't have to actually be feeling suicidal to talk to a counselor; they help anyone who is going through a crisis. If you're not in the United States, contact the authorities in your area.

Improving Yourself

Build self-confidence. The best defense against people who dislike you is to like yourself. When you are confident in yourself, that confidences radiates and other people notice. Self-confidence comes from knowing that you are good enough (self-esteem) and that you are capable (self-efficacy). Do an inventory to identify things about yourself that you are confident in versus things that make you self-conscious or insecure. You can start by making a list of all the things you are good at, and a list of things you struggle with. Consider all types of things, like making people laugh, cooking, sticking to a schedule, keeping promises, dancing, etc. You might categorize these things into groups like "social," "emotional," "physical," "cognitive," or others that are important to you. Focus on improving negative thoughts and negative "self talk" (the things you say to yourself in your head), especially on the areas that you feel that you are not good at. When you find yourself doubting your ability or thinking negatively, reframe it. Instead of thinking, "I am so bad at math," think about how good you are at looking for details and solving problems, and say to yourself, "I can conquer this math problem!"

Identify the root of why you are disliked. The term "disliked" is not very specific. If you think of someone or something you "dislike," you might really be feeling emotions like ambivalence, disgust, distrust, fear, hurt, resentment, jealousy, or any myriad of combinations of these or other negative emotions. If your goal is to reduce the negative feelings someone has for you, you have to identify why it is that you are disliked. Then, you can work on improving that particular area for that particular person. For example, if someone dislikes you because she feels you come on too strong, you can try to tone it down around that person. Or if someone dislikes you because you often break your commitments, you can work on being more consistent and keeping your word. Pinpointing why you are disliked might also reveal a simple truth: often times people dislike you for reasons that have nothing to do with you. It is entirely unfair, but completely normal. A person may dislike you because you remind them of someone, because they are just a negative person, or because they are jealous of you-- or a number of other reasons! Sometimes realizing that someone's reasons for disliking you are superficial, absurd, or simply irrelevant to you can help you accept being disliked for what it really is. EXPERT TIP Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Alicia Oglesby is a Professional School Counselor and the Director of School and College Counseling at Bishop McNamara High School outside of Washington DC. With over ten years of experience in counseling, Alicia specializes in academic advising, social-emotional skills, and career counseling. Alicia holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and a Master’s in Clinical Counseling and Applied Psychology from Chestnut Hill College. She also studied Race and Mental Health at Virginia Tech. Alicia holds Professional School Counseling Certifications in both Washington DC and Pennsylvania. She has created a college counseling program in its entirety and developed five programs focused on application workshops, parent information workshops, essay writing collaborative, peer-reviewed application activities, and financial aid literacy events. Alicia Oglesby Alicia Oglesby Professional School Counselor Do you know why everybody at school dislikes you? Did something happen that calls for repairing and apologizing? If so, be sure to work on that with the students in school who are the most likely to forgive you. If you have nothing to apologize for, continue making gentle attempts at building friendships. At the same time, focus on being your best self. Do the things you enjoy on your own or with family. Dress in clothes you enjoy. Style your hair in styles you like. Talk with teachers and adults in the building. Be your own best friend for a while.

Ask someone you trust. If others dislike you at school, work, church, home, or any other place in particular, and you cannot figure out why on your own, you might consider asking someone you trust to help you figure out why. Someone who likes you but will be honest with you is best! Let them know that you are trying to understand why others dislike you, and that you need some feedback from someone who knows you well. Your trusted friend can help you to recognize the reasons (or lack of reasons) why others might dislike you, and then help you to focus on your own acceptance of the situation.

Dealing With Hostility

Decide when it is time to confront someone. If someone dislikes you, there are often times you can overlook it and go on with your life. Sometimes, however, a person's negative feelings for you might affect your grades, your job, or your ability to meet and get along with other people. In these situations, it might be time to confront the person who dislikes you: If the person is discriminating against you or treating you unfairly and is in a position of power over you (such as a teacher, boss, or parent), you may decide that it is time to talk to the person or take legal action. If the person is spreading rumors, hurting your reputation, or making your life difficult, you may need to talk to them to find out if there is a way to convince them to stop. If the person is sabotaging your relationships, you may need to confront them as well as the people he or she has interfered with. For example, if you have a father-in-law who does not like you, he may be causing other people to dislike you, possibly even including your own spouse. If the person who dislikes you is abusing you in any way, including physically, sexually, emotionally, or psychologically, it is time to get help. It is normal for people to dislike other people, but it is never ok for dislike to turn into mistreatment or abuse.

Ask the person herself. This might be awkward, but sometimes the only way to know what is going on or why someone has a problem with you is to have an open conversation with her. If you can't figure out why you are disliked and you've tried asking a friend for help, consider confronting the person directly. Try to frame your discussion using "I-phrases." "I-phrases" focus on the speaker's feelings instead of presuming to know what the other person is feeling. Using "I-phrases" helps to keep the other person from becoming defensive. That means instead of saying "Why don't you like me?" keep the focus on your own feelings and say something like "I feel like there is some tension between us. Is there anything I have done or anything I can do to help?" Listen to what the person says, and try to understand from her perspective. Try not to become defensive. Think about whether there is any merit to her claims and why she might feel the way she does. Then, think about whether you should try to improve yourself or change your behavior toward her, or if her issues are unreasonable and not worth the effort.

Apologize and make it right. If you've done something to hurt or offend someone and that is the reason that person dislikes you, the best course of action is to try to make it right. There are three components to an effective and sincere apology: Say that you regret what happened. You need to clearly say the words, "I'm sorry." Be sure you don't say "I'm sorry you were offended," or "I'm sorry you felt that way," or anything else that places the blame on the other person for misinterpreting your intentions. Instead, be humble, and own the fact that you've hurt someone. Offer to make it right. Psychologists call this an "offer of compensation," and sometimes it literally entails compensation (for example, if you wreck someone's car, you have to fix it or replace it!). But other times compensation means changing your behavior in the future, spending more time together, doing more work at the office or around the house, or other ways of picking up your own slack and improving your behavior in the relationship. Let the person know that you are aware that what you did was wrong. In addition to saying you're sorry, you need to say that you violated social norms or expectations. For example, you might say, "I know a husband should not do that," or "I was not being a good friend when I did that." Remember that apologizing is as much about helping yourself as it is about righting wrongs. If you are at fault, apologizing can help you to gain perspective and can even lower your levels of stress and anxiety. Just remember that apologizing is only useful if you are at fault and if you are sincerely sorry.

Take it higher up. If you're not at fault and the person is making your life difficult or treating you unfairly, you may need to talk to someone in a position of authority that can help. This might include a supervisor, parent, teacher, or principal. In some cases, such as discrimination at work resulting from a boss that dislikes you, you may need to consider hiring a lawyer. While it is not illegal for a boss to dislike you, it could be illegal if it is not just because of your personality but because you are a protected minority (for example, if you are a woman, gay, or a person of color), or if he treats you unfairly because he dislikes you.

Learn to let go. At the end of the day, if you have done everything you can do and are still disliked, you need to give yourself permission to be ok with that. Ultimately, you have to choose to not allow the person who dislikes you to influence you or get you down. It is ok to be disliked. Remember that even the most popular and well-loved celebrities in the world are disliked by some people!