Organizing Your Thoughts and Information
Write down your reasons. Take out a piece of paper and start a list of concerns about your mental health. Make note of any examples or moments that really stuck with you. Then, write down your responses to, “How do you think a psychologist will be able to help you?” Once you know that you have issues to address, you need to find a way to communicate this to other people in a controlled way. A list will help you do that. Under the "concerns" area you might write, "I feel depressed all the time," or, "I am angry and lose my temper for no reason." Under the "How can a psychologist help?" area you might write, "They can show me the positives in life, like how I have a loving family," or, "They can give me some ideas about how to calm down."
Practice the conversation. Go to a trusted friend or relative, tell them what is going on, and ask them to help you prepare. This person can pretend to be your parents as you go through a ‘mock’ conversation. Then, you can flip and you can take on the role of your parents to better understand their perspective. Don’t forget to include questions, as your parents will surely have some. They could ask, “What have we done wrong?” Or, “Why are you just telling us now?” Practicing answering will help you handle these difficult moments easier when they really happen.
Talk to your school counselor. Your school counselor is trained to help students with a range of different problems. Make an appointment to speak with your school counselor and tell them what is going on. Your school counselor can provide you with a referral or help seeking outside treatment from a psychologist. Talking with your school counselor and getting their recommendation to see a counselor can also help make it easier to convince your parents.
Get resources to give them. Ask your school counselor for pamphlets or information about your concerns. Print out information from online. Have something tangible to give your parents when you meet. This will show that you have prepared for the conversation and that this has been on your mind for some time. You will want to hand these papers to your parents in the middle of the conversation, not at the start or end. You should tell your story first and just use this information as back-up research.
Choose a therapist ahead of time. Look online, search the phone book, or ask your school counselor for references beforehand. Narrow it down to the three names that sound the best and write these down on a list to show your parents. Be aware that many therapists will meet with your parents for an initial time, free of charge. This gives your parents a chance to ask any questions that they might have. Don’t get completely set on your first choice. It is very common to switch therapists multiple times. Like any relationship, you have to take a bit of time to find the right fit.
Figure out how to pay. Once you have a list of potential therapists, give them a call. Ask them about what insurances they accept and whether or not they arrange payment plans. Take good notes that you can pass along to your parents as well. Money is often a real barrier to seeking help, so doing some research can help to avoid this roadblock. This research can all be done over the phone and anonymously, so don’t worry about your parents finding out at this point. If needed, you can also tell your parents that you are willing to get a job in order to pay, or supplement, the cost of a therapist. You can consider this an investment in your happiness and future. You might even ask your parents for your insurance card ahead of time so that you can verify whether or not a therapist will accept your insurance. Ask the therapists that you call about whether or not they have a sliding scale fee. This is often offered to clients who cannot afford to pay the full amount. Check with local colleges to find out if they offer any free counseling sessions to community members. They may have graduate students who need to provide counseling sessions to meet the requirements of their degree program.
Talking with your Parents
Find a private time. Choose your time to sit down with your parents carefully. Allow for their schedules so that when you do talk, their attention will be solely focused on you. If you have siblings, bedtime or after dinner are possible windows for a chat. You might approach your parents earlier in the day and say, “I have something really important that I need to talk to you about. Can we talk after dinner?”
Explain. After they’ve sat down, describe your thoughts and feelings leading up to your request. If you’ve been depressed, for example, try to give them an estimate of how long. This information may be shocking to them, so you want to build up the best case that you can. After you’ve discussed how you feel, tell them you have a potential solution-to visit and talk with a psychologist. Your parents will most likely ask how a psychologist could help you. You might tell them that, “I need to speak with an objective adult.” Or, “I need to talk with someone outside the family in order to better understand myself.” Reassure them that this is about you, not them.
Tell them you want help. If your parents feel as if you are being somehow pressured into visiting a therapist, they will go into protective mode and most likely refuse. Explain that you not only need help, you want help. You want to improve your life by taking this action. If questioned about your goals, you could say, “I want to feel happy more often. I want to be able to appreciate all the great opportunities you all have given me.”
Talk rationally and calmly. Take some deep, calming breaths before starting and repeat to yourself, “I can do this, it will be okay.” Your parents will appreciate your case more if you act maturely, but at the same time do not be afraid to let your emotions show. If they disagree, speak from your heart. Don’t be afraid to cry. If, instead of starting as planned, you run into your parents and loose emotional control by crying, etc., you may want to take five minutes to compose yourself before continuing. Just say, “Give me a few minutes and we can talk.” Do your best to avoid aggressive arguing. Disagreements may happen, but yelling or shouting really does no good in the end. If you feel as if you are headed in that direction, pause and count to five before speaking again. If your parents are yelling, tell them that you will need to talk later when everyone calms down.
Use specific examples. It may not be enough to tell your parents that you suffer from anxiety, for example. You may need to give them some real life examples to draw upon. This will most likely be difficult for you. Choose examples that illustrate your concerns but that are perhaps not the most raw. An example of an example might be, “I have no friends at school right now. I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone.”
Agree to a compromise. Getting what you want will probably require some give-and-take. Be prepared to negotiate a bit. You might offer to have your parents work with you to choose the therapist. You might ask that they go with you, but stay in the waiting room. You might agree to “try out” a therapist for a month. Part of the compromise might be telling them how else they can help. You might suggest planning additional activities together or helping you with your homework.
Write down your request. If you are uncomfortable in a face-to-face situation with your parents (a lot of people can be), then write down your feelings and reasons for seeking help simply and in an easy-to-read manner. Just like a chat, choose your moment carefully before presenting your feelings to your parents. Remember that words (especially written ones) can hurt, so take your time when creating this letter. A good test is to ask yourself, “Will I agree with the contents of this letter five years from now?”
Moving Forward
Bring in mediators. If you don’t get anywhere, ask another trust adult to come in and talk with your parents. This means that you will need to reveal your private feelings and thoughts to yet another person, but it should be worth it in the end. This “mediator” can be a pastor, family friend, or another relative. A school counselor is a particularly good choice. They can maintain confidentiality while also explaining to your parents what a therapist actually does. Plus, they most likely can back-up the examples that you have described before.
Keep lines of communication open. Whether or not your parents agree after the first time, make sure to keep talking with them. Discuss your usual little things like what your day looks like, but also try to work in more important mentions of how you feel, etc. Part of getting them to understand is building trust and you need to talk to do that. It may be helpful to ask your parents about their feelings too, and not just as it relates to you. Maybe say, “Do you enjoy your job? Why?”
Arrange to see the psychologist. When your parents do agree, put your research into action and schedule an appointment with your chosen therapist as soon as possible. Expect your initial appointment to last between 45 minutes to 1 hour. They will ask you lots of questions, but also give you plenty of time to just talk. Keep in mind that your parents may be required to meet with the psychologist alone first so that they can provide their consent for the psychologist to treat you. During this meeting, your parents may ask questions to determine if the psychologist will be a good fit for you.
Take care of yourself. Keep up your part of the bargain by trying to stay in the best mental and physical shape possible. You want to start your work with the therapist with the strongest foundation possible. You also want to show your parents that you are willing to put work into improving in other areas too. Make sure to eat three regularly scheduled and healthy meals a day. Try to exercise three times a week, even if this just means taking long walks. Get enough sleep at night, aim for at least eight hours.
Seek immediate help if necessary. If you are suicidal or if you are in serious need of help, then you might consider calling emergency services or going to the emergency room. You can go to the ER yourself or ask a friend to take you. This will ensure that you get medical treatment and psychological evaluation, which may help to convince your parents to allow you to start seeing a psychologist to get the help you need. If you don’t feel that you need immediate help, try talking with a teacher, school counselor, or friend about your feelings. Just keep in mind that if you do tell a teacher or school counselor that you are thinking of hurting yourself, then they will need to report this for your protection. In the US, you can also contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.
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