How to Deal with a Mean Coach

Having a Positive Attitude

Define what makes your coach “mean.” Calling someone mean can be a gut reaction based on how they made you feel. But figure out what type of behaviors are actually bothering you. Some may cross the line, while others you need to just let go of. Does your coach just yell a lot? If you’re high-school-aged or older, this is pretty standard. However, elementary and middle schoolers shouldn’t be subject to this. Are they calling you inappropriate names? Do they insult your intelligence, appearance, or worth as a person? These are behaviors that should be reported.

Take a deep breath when your coach is mean to you. Snapping at or talking back to your coach will only make the situation worse, so take a deep breath every time your coach does or says something that upsets you. Be patient and wait a moment before responding. Allowing your own temper to cool will better prepare you to respond to your coach’s temper. You can also try counting to ten to help calm your mind a little.

See their job from their perspective. While there’s no excuse for your coach to belittle or insult you, it’s helpful to understand why they act the way they do. Coaches often risk losing their jobs if they can’t consistently win games. So when they yell at you, their frustration is likely based on their stress and the pressure to be successful.

Admit when you’re wrong. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in disliking someone that you ignore your own faults. Maybe your coach was really rude to you when you showed up a few minutes late to practice, but you should have been on time, so admit your mistake. Don’t try to act nonchalant, funny, or sarcastic when you do something wrong. Offer a genuine but quick apology and then get back to what you’re supposed to be doing.

Arrive early and stay late. While you may not want to spend any extra time with your coach, putting in some extra effort will show them you’re serious about the sport. Show up to practice thirty minutes early to start warming up, then stay afterwards to help pick up equipment. Your coach may stop picking on you if they see you working harder than some of your teammates.

Talking to Your Coach

Talk to your coach if you’re considering quitting. Coaches should foster your love for a sport, not squash it. If their behavior has gotten so bad that it’s causing you to think about quitting the sport altogether, it’s time to talk with your coach.

Schedule a time to talk. Chances are, if you walk right up to your coach without warning and start talking about serious issues, they either won’t have time or won’t want to get into it with other players around. Ask if you can schedule a time to sit down and talk, either after school or after practice. Suggest meeting in their office so that you’re in a space unlike the gym or field, where many of your negative experiences with your coach have happened.

Tell them specific words they used that you disliked. Have examples ready to go when talking about a certain type of behavior. For example, maybe they called you stupid when you missed a shot during a game. Bring up this specific moment rather than using generalizations like, “You always call me stupid.” Try using phrases like, "...when you called me an idiot yesterday after I missed that shot," to pinpoint the exact moment something happened.

Say how a behavior made you feel. It’s possible your coach doesn’t know you’re taking their words personally. Be honest about whether you felt hurt, humiliated, or scared. Tell them if a repeated behavior is making you feel dread when you think about coming to practice. Try saying something like, "It was so hurtful when you called me worthless on Monday. I had trouble focusing for the rest of practice."

Give your coach a chance to change. Your coach may or may not adjust their behavior, but it’s important that you give them the opportunity to improve. Always talk to them first, then give them a week or more to adjust their behavior before you move on to speaking with their superior.

Asking for Help

Talk to your parents. Your parents should be your best advocate if you feel like you can’t solve the problem by yourself. Tell them about any behaviors you think are inappropriate, and be honest about how much this is weighing on you. Make it clear that you’re not just venting about a tough practice – you actually need their help. Try saying, "I've been thinking about this for awhile," to show you're serious and not just being fickle. Tell them something like, "It's gotten to the point where I feel sick when I think about going to practice."

Schedule a meeting with the coach's boss. Your parents can call the school or organization to set this up, and depending on how the principal or coordinator wants to handle it, the coach will likely be invited to the meeting too. Try not to let your parents do all the talking during this meeting. It’s important that you have a voice as well.>

Be honest about your feelings. Although it’s harder in front of a larger group, don’t hold back in talking about your feelings during the meeting. Tell everyone about specific behaviors or language and how they affected you. Mention if it’s gotten bad enough for you to want to quit.

Gather support from teammates. If you feel like the coach’s superiors are unconcerned about your complaints, see if you can rally your teammates. There are likely others who feel intimidated, embarrassed, or frustrated by the coach’s behavior. Ask them if they’d be willing to talk to their parents and set up meetings with the principal as well.

Ask your parents to find you a new team or program. If nothing improves after numerous meetings and complaints, it may be time to move on to a different team. If you play for your school’s team, see if there’s a local club team you can join. Investigate surrounding neighborhoods and towns for any club teams and programs there. Changing teams may require more travel or more money, so make it clear to your parents that your happiness is at stake. See if you can sit in on a practice or scrimmage to get a feel for a new coach’s style so that you don’t end up signing up with a coach similar to your old one.