How to Fight for a Relationship

Reaching Out

Apologize, if need be. Relationships strain when one or both partners feel hurt – whether because of a fight, careless words, or long-term resentments. All relationships go through this to some extent. The important thing is to reach out and apologize when you’ve done wrong. Apologizing shows your commitment to your partner and the relationship. To apologize well, you have to be sincere, specific, and recognize the hurt you caused. Accept your role in having damaged trust or respect in the relationship. This doesn’t mean accepting all responsibility, but owning up to your part. Be sincere and specific. Only apologize to make amends and heal damage and not for some other ulterior reason. At the same time, be specific about what you are apologizing for and how it hurt the other person. For example, “I’m very sorry that I stormed off during our argument. I can see that it hurt you and made you feel humiliated. Please forgive me.” Avoid weasel-worded apologies. These don’t really accept any responsibility and come off as insincere, i.e. “I’m sorry if what I did offended you” or “I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way.” Don’t request an apology in return. Mutual forgiveness is important, but your partner may need time to process their feelings. Asking for an apology will only seem like a demand.

Listen to your partner. An apology is only the first part of reaching out. It won’t fix things but can break the ice and start the healing process. Don’t be surprised if your partner reacts emotionally or even interrupts you. Resist the urge to interrupt and defend yourself, though, and instead be patient and respectful and listen. Try not to react defensively or insist on “finishing” your side of the story. Your first urge may be to correct or refute your partner, but instead let them speak. By showing patience, you also let your partner speak openly without fear or reprisal and demonstrate that you’re serious about healing the rift. Keep in mind that the point of an apology is to heal the relationship. It is not about proving who was right and who was wrong.

Leave the door open, but don’t over-pursue. Make it clear to your partner that you want to save the relationship. At the same time, accept that these things take time. Resist the urge to pursue your partner, especially one who has become distant, or you may end up driving them further away. Allow for some time and space while leaving the door open to reconciliation. Be clear that you are ready to talk if and when your partner is ready. Make sure they know you are open to communication. At the same time, people often want physical and emotional space after an argument or hurt. Try to recognize and respect this need for distance – do not hound your partner.

Confronting the Past

Seek counseling together or as an individual. Counseling isn’t a sure-fire fix, but it can help you air and work out problems as well as learn how to communicate more effectively with your partner. Consider couples counseling if your relationship is in trouble. However, even going to counseling on your own can be helpful. Ask your partner to go to counseling with you if you’ve been having communications or trust issues, if you’ve grown distant and are just “occupying the same space,” or if one of you is acting on negative feelings. Try to find a counselor that you both can work with. This may take several tries. Ask potential counselors questions about their credentials, experience, and fitness to help you, and success rate. Think of a counselor as a consultant rather than a fixer. A counselor will advise you, but the most important work will occur outside of your sessions. Consider finding a counselor or therapist even if your partner refuses to attend.

Be ready to explore your past history. To fight for a relationship, you’ll need to face problems head-on and not just paper them over, allowing them to fester. With a counselor or not, be ready to talk deeply about the issues in your relationship. This isn’t easy. It means revisiting old hurts, talking about resentments, and expressing disappointment. Be ready to listen to your partner. The key to moving forward is to attend and understand past hurt with empathy. Be willing to express your own frustrations. But always do so tactfully. Resist the urge to blame or justify behaviors in the past and instead look to understand the underlying motives – you may see that these were not as malicious as you thought. Recall what drew you together. There was a reason you and your partner ended up together in the first place. Try to reflect together on why you loved each other and whether it’s possible to regain that spark.

Learn to express your feelings constructively. Putting your feelings out in the open will help you to understand motivations and needs, so learning how to talk and even disagree is critical. It can help you and your partner reassess assumptions about one another as well as to state your needs, clearly and openly. If you are having counseling, make sure to talk about effective communication with your counselor. Follow the rules of effective communication and “fighting fair.” For example, try to avoid accusatory language – start sentences with “I think...” or “I feel...” rather than saying things like “You always...” or “You never...” Avoid generalizations, as well. Be specific and stick to the facts and your feelings. Talk about what you need from your partner, not what you think they are failing to give you, i.e., “I need but don’t feel your support for my career as a businesswoman.” Or, try “I feel ignored, because I want and need more public affection from you” instead of “You ignore me because you never show affection in public.” Invite the other person’s point of view. Don’t interrupt, but listen and then try to restate what you’ve heard.

Seeing Your Partner as Their Own Person

Learn to accept your partner. To really fight for your relationship, you have to be willing to take your partner as a whole person – even the habits and behaviors you may dislike or resent. This is no small challenge. But it’s a necessary one if you want to salvage your connection. Try to see things from the other side. Say you’ve always hated your partner’s messiness. Try to reverse the situation and see their point of view: are they really so messy, or are you overly concerned with tidiness? Accept that you don’t have control over your partner or your partner’s background and raising. Seeing their “incorrect” habits as a reflection of upbringing or deeply held priorities and values can help to soften the tension. Maintain certain boundaries, though. You are under no obligation at all to accept destructive or abusive behavior.

Let go of feelings of superiority. To save a relationship, you’ll not only have to compromise on small things like habits and behavior but also on the larger feeling that you’re in the “right.” This attitude isn’t usually helpful. It can prevent you from changing the way you see your partner, and yourself. Remind yourself that if one of you is right, the other is not necessarily wrong. Your partner’s contrasting opinions don’t invalidate yours – they are just different. For example, your notions of etiquette – how to act, talk, and socialize politely – might be very different from your partner’s. But one of these views is not necessarily more correct than the other. They are simply different.

Honor and support your partner’s needs. Probably the most important thing in fighting for a relationship is building empathy. And the result of accepting your partner’s opinions and values should be an effort on your part to try to meet their emotional and physical needs, as best you can, without compromising yourself. Be open to compromise so long as your partner’s needs don’t break with your own values. For example, say religion is very important to your partner but not to you. Are you willing to support this part of their life? Or say you’ve squabbled over affection and now realize that your partner expresses affection is different ways than you, maybe through gifts or gestures. Are you willing to learn this “language”? An effort on your part will make your partner feel more valued.

Reconnecting with an Ex

Find out if your ex is still interested. Sometimes we want to fight for a relationship that has ended or is in the process of ending. This is not an uncommon thing. In fact, as many as 50% of younger adults reportedly reconcile at least once after a breakup. Try to read the signals to see if your ex is still interested in you. Be subtle. Your ex may feel badgered if you overdo things – so it’s best to keep your distance, at least at first. Don’t force contact and avoid having friends investigate on your behalf. Try to glean hints from things like social media, from people like mutual friends, or from your ex-partner if you are still have some contact. Remember: the odds are probably in your favor.

Make contact. If you are still interested and have reason to think your ex is, too, you’ll need to reach out. Try something low-key. Send your ex-partner a short message on Facebook, for example, or a short email. Be brief and do not be overbearing, otherwise you may scare them away. Have a reason for initiating contact. For example, say something like “I was eating ice cream today and it made me think of how much you love Chunky Monkey. How are you doing?” Or, “I just saw your name on Facebook and thought I’d say hi. I hope you’re doing well.” Let your ex’s response guide the next move. If the reply is curt, i.e. “Yeah, hope you’re well too,” your prospect of a reconciliation might not be good. A more effusive response can indicate interest. Try to arrange a meeting if the response is positive. Ask to talk over coffee or a drink, for example. Make it clear that you just want a short meeting, with no strings attached.

Clear the air. Know what you want to say beforehand and how you want to say it. Choose your words carefully, because your ex probably still harbors strong feelings for you – both good ones and bad. Say what’s on your mind – express regret, apologize if you need to – but be tactful. Say that you are sorry things didn’t work out and want to talk to put the relationship in perspective, e.g. “I just wanted to see how you’ve been and to talk about what went wrong between us.” Let the discussion guide what you say. Don’t press the issue if your ex is happy and seeing other people, but gradually steer the conversation toward reconciliation if they seem to retain strong feelings for you. Take things slowly if your ex wants to rekindle the relationship. There were probably good reasons why things ended, issues that you’ll need to talk through seriously, maybe in counseling. Be ready to move on if your ex isn’t interested in reconnecting. At the very least, know that you can have final closure on the matter.