Intervening in a Fight
Stay calm. If two other people are starting to fight, you should try to diffuse the tension by appearing relaxed. Use a soothing tone of voice, nonthreatening body language (for example, keep your hands raised in front of your chest), and slow movements.
Assess the situation quickly. Fights move quickly so you won't have a lot of time. You need to determine how serious the situation is, if you are in danger, whether you need to call for help, and what strategies might work best to stop the fight in this particular situation. Try to determine whether anyone has a weapon or is likely to reach for an object to use as a weapon (for example, a bottle in a bar fight). If so, call the police and do not intervene. Try to move other onlookers, especially children, to safety. Notice whether the fighters have "back up," often in the form of onlookers who are egging on the fighters. Gang fights and similar situations are unpredictable and you should not try to intervene. Look around for any large objects that you can push between the fighters, like trash cans, desks, or anything else that is big but possible for you to quickly move into place.
Call the police. If either fighter has a weapon of any kind, call the police and do not try to intervene. You should also call the police if you are physically unable to restrain a fighter or fear that your safety would be in jeopardy if you intervened. Unless a police officer happens to be in the vicinity, it may be too late by the time they arrive. If it is safe to do so, try to break up the fight yourself while you wait for them to arrive.
Get help from another onlooker. If there is anyone else within hearing range, get them to help you break up the fight before attempting to do it yourself. In situations like this, onlookers don't generally stop to help unless you tell them specifically. So instead of yelling "Someone help me!" look someone in the eye and say "Help me stop the fight!" If possible, choose someone who is larger than the fighters and looks strong and athletic. But in a pinch, any able-bodied adult will do! Don't leave the scene of a fight to get help unless you have to, especially if the fighters are juveniles. If you're at school or in another setting where there are no adults present, you can always send a kid to get another adult.
Get between the fighters. This recommendation is only for situations in which both fighters are unarmed and the fight has not escalated to full-on blows. Be aware getting between two fighters is a risky choice, and you may be injured. You should also know that in many schools, it is illegal for teachers to touch students, even to intervene in a fight. When two people are gearing up for a fight, they tend to confront each other with their chests puffed and their shoulders back, staring directly into each other's eyes. Put your body between them during this stage, and you can help break the invisible tension between them.
Face the antagonist. If one of the two fighters is "picking a fight" or purposely antagonizing the other, this is the person you should attempt to redirect and calm. Use a soothing voice and try to reason with the person. Most people do not want to fight, but fear looking weak if they back down. For that reason, it's your job to give the antagonist an "out" or a reason to not fight the other person without losing face. If you know the person, use his or her name, and try phrases that will resonate like, "What about your kids?" or "Do you want to go back to jail?" If you do not know him or her, try soothing phrases like, "It's OK, calm down," or "Think about what you're doing; do you really want to face the consequences of a fight?"
Restrain an active fighter. This can be very difficult unless you have had training in self-defense or martial arts of some kind, or if you are out of shape or smaller than the attacker. It can also be risky, as you might get injured or be accused of hurting someone. However, there are times when you must intervene to stop someone from hurting someone else. Get behind the attacker and use a half-nelson grip to take her down. A half-nelson is a wrestling technique designed to take an opponent to the ground. To execute this move, pass your dominant arm under the attacker's arm on the same side (that is, your right arm under her right arm, or your left under her left). Reach your arm up over her back and grip her neck. Pin her other arm using your free arm.
Stopping an Attack Against You
Recognize situations in which fights are likely to occur. You can avoid an altercation altogether by recognizing the types of situations that often lead to tense and violent interaction. These often include: Events where people are drinking too much alcohol. Avoid bars and nightclubs late at night, especially establishments that tend to get rowdy. Leave if you sense that other people are becoming agitated. Road-rage related fights. Be courteous while driving and follow posted signs. If someone tries to confront you, avoid eye contact and drive to the nearest police station. On a school playground. Tell your parents, a teacher, or counselor if someone is threatening to hurt you or if you fear for your safety at school. If they do not do anything to help, tell someone else until you get help. If no one will help you, call the police.
Try to get away. Rather than engaging with a person who wants to fight you, try to walk or run away from them to avoid a fight. Remember that in many situations, such as at school or on the job, engaging in a fight can get you in trouble or even put into jail-- even if you think you are only engaging in self-defense.
Get attention. If you are being attacked, draw attention of onlookers and passersby to try to get help. If someone is trying to fight you, they might back down if there are more people on your side. Scream or yell as loudly as possible. Remember, most people who see a bad situation will not become personally involved if they can help it; it’s a psychological phenomenon known as the "bystander effect." Look someone in the eye and instead of asking for help, tell them to help you. If you know their name, use it. Say, "Help me, this person is trying to attack me," or "Call the police, NOW!"
Use verbal techniques. If you do not have a weapon and you do not know any self-defense techniques, you can try using verbal techniques to "talk down" your attacker. Try using soothing words. Most people who are angry are unable to think clearly, and their heightened emotional state can take several minutes to return to normal. Try talking to the attacker in a soothing tone of voice for several minutes or as long as possible to give him or her time to return to a more rational state of mind. Make empathetic statements. Often a person will try to fight you because he or she thinks you have done something wrong. While you might vehemently disagree, in order to avoid being hit or otherwise attacked, you can try making statements that show you are empathetic to how the person feels. You might try saying, "You're right, that was a stupid thing I did. I don't know why I did that, but I'm sorry."
Learn self-defense. If you fear for your safety and want to be truly prepared for someone who might try to fight you or who might attack you, you need to learn how to use physical force to defend yourself. Take classes from a trained professional in personal self defense or any number of martial art techniques such as jujitsu or tae kwon do. Look for a course that specifically teaches defensive techniques; ask the instructor before signing up if this course is right for you and how long it will take before you learn usable techniques.
Putting a Stop to Verbal Fights in the Home
Understand what is normal. Some level of verbal disagreement is normal in intimate relationships, like that between spouses or between kids and their parents. But disagreements and conflicts should not be handled by fighting. Yelling, name-calling, belittling the other person, threatening to leave, or withholding attention or affection are not healthy ways to fight. Unfortunately, many people grow up in households where these types of fighting are commonplace, and they tend to handle their own disagreements in much the same way throughout life. In a relationship where fighting is commonplace, it can be difficult to retrain all of the involved parties to stop fighting and instead talk through disagreements in ways that are respectful. But your goal should be a collaborative relationship where differences are resolved through dialogue and where everyone feels safe, respected, and cared for.
Reframe your disagreements. Instead of a fight, try to understand differences of opinion or disagreements as a problem-solving challenge. A fight is a situation where you and the other person are against each other. But you and your child, parent, or spouse are not against each other, you are partners! A disagreement is an opportunity to collaborate with your partner for a mutually-satisfying solution. Reframing a fight as a collaborative partnership doesn't make it easier to solve, but it does change the dynamic of the interaction. It is not you against them, it is you and them against the problem.
Set ground rules. Every healthy relationship has rules, whether spoken or unspoken, about what types of behavior are acceptable. If your relationship struggles with fighting, setting ground rules can be a first step toward a more emotionally stable and fulfilling relationship. Agree about what is off-limits during a disagreement. For example, name-calling, threats to leave, or personal insults should be avoided. Agree to allow the other person a "time-out" if a disagreement begins to become heated. Promise to revisit the issue later, when all parties are calm. Sometimes, just thirty seconds to breathe and cool down is enough; other times, it might be a good idea to go to bed and sleep on it, and resume discussions the next day.
Communicate. The only way to resolve a conflict is to talk through it. Learning how to discuss how you feel and why you are upset can be difficult. It is a good idea to begin practicing during smaller disagreements rather than waiting for big blow-out fights. State why you are upset. Be clear and specific, and try using "I" statements rather than statements that blame the other person. For example, "I feel frustrated when I have to take out the trash," rather than "You didn't take out the trash." Let the other person state their side. Be willing to listen and give the benefit of the doubt. Many verbal fights result from a misunderstanding or from jumping to conclusions about another person's motivations.
Brainstorm solutions. Remember, this is a collaborative activity. Both parties likely have ideas for their own optimal solution, but the goal is to find a solution that works for everyone. Be willing to compromise, especially on issues that really aren't that important to you. It is difficult to come to a true agreement if you only give the other person one option.
Reconnect after a fight. Remember why you love this person. As frustrating as disagreements may be, you should make a point to reconnect and reassure each other that you are still as committed to them as you were before the disagreement. Hold one another, hug, pat the person on the back, or reconnect in any way you can. Tell the person you care about him or her.
Get help. If your family's fighting is out of control or you feel like you or someone else is in danger, tell an adult you trust or call the police. In the United States, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY, for deaf callers). Trained counselors at this 24-hour hotline can help you plan your next step.
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