Analyzing the Situation
Identify what you want in a relationship. Imagine what your ideal relationship would be like. This can change over time, so don’t feel like you have to stick to some past list of check marks. Be honest with yourself so you have a clearer idea of your actual goals and expectations for the here and now. Ask yourself: Do I only want a casual romance without any future commitments, or am I looking for a partner for the long run? Do I want someone who will challenge me out of my comfort zone, or someone who matches my expectations? Am I looking for someone who is totally different from my past boyfriends, or someone similar? Try to stay in tune with how or if your feelings have changed. It is important to be open and honest about what you want to get out of the relationship, the tricky thing is sometimes you yourself might not be sure what you want. You might start out thinking you wanted something casual but as time went by your feelings could have grown stronger and you changed to want a long term relationship.
Size up your boyfriend. Think about his behavior, attitude, and goals regarding your relationship. Ask yourself if there is something specific about him that makes you want to slow things down. Make a list of what he says or does that makes you feel hesitant about moving forward too quickly. Consider things like: Whether he’s pressuring you to make a commitment or take a major step forward before you’re ready. What he envisions your relationship to be like a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, and so on. If his behavior towards you has changed (or failed to change) after major turning points that the two of you have already taken.
Examine yourself. You’ve identified what you want out of your relationship, and you’ve considered any red flags that your boyfriend has raised. Now gauge your reaction to those red flags. Ask yourself what it is about them that jars with your expectations. For instance: If you feel like he’s rushing you into making a commitment, do you feel reluctant because a committed relationship isn’t what you’re looking for right now? Or, if you do want that, are you just not sure that he’s the right guy for you yet? If you feel like you do want (or did want) to pursue a long-term relationship, is there something he’s done that has made you think twice? Like treating you differently around his friends, or still flirting with other people despite your relationship? Say everything seems to be going perfectly, but you feel reluctant anyway. Does his vision for the future match yours? Would you still be able to meet your life goals in his vision? Consider past relationships. Do you feel like you’re falling into old traps? Or do you feel nervous because things aren’t going the same way as they have before?
Having the Conversation
Pick an appropriate time. Remember: you want to slow things down, not end them. Choose a time when your boyfriend is likely to be most receptive. Don’t make it harder on yourself by cornering him in a situation where he might feel defensive. If possible, do it face-to-face, rather than over the phone or through text or email, so you can communicate through both words and action. Wait for a private moment when it’s just the two of you so he doesn’t have to worry about prying eyes or ears. Allow plenty of time for a long conversation so you both have a chance to process and respond to each other.
Ease into it. Let him know before you get started that you need to have a serious conversation so he knows that he really needs to listen. At the same time, assure him that it isn’t “that” serious so he doesn’t draw the wrong conclusion and think you’re about to break up with him. Whether you’re trying to plan a time and place to meet and talk, or leading right into it, aim to come across as serious, but positive. Say something like: “Hey, do you think we could go to the park or something this weekend, just the two of us? I have something I need to share with you, but I’d like to be together when I do.” “So, I’ve been thinking about us a lot, and I really want this to work, but I think we need to take a step back and really think this through together.” “I’m having a great time with you. I’m just a little worried that things are moving a bit fast. I kind of want to savor what we have right now, you know?”
Share your reasons. Tell him exactly what it is about your relationship that makes you feel pressured to move too fast for comfort. Whether or not he’s done something specific to make you feel this way, put the emphasis on your feelings, not his actions. Don’t make him feel as though you’re attacking him. Instead, share your concerns and what you steps you need to take in order to feel comfortable. For instance: If you feel like you’re being rushed into a commitment, say something like, “I don’t want us to wake up one day and realize we just said, ‘I do,” because we felt like we had to meet some deadline. I want to take our time so we both know we really mean it.” If he’s done something that makes you second-guess your relationship, like flirting with someone else, address the issue with understanding, like, “I don’t want either of us to feel backed into this. If one of us feels like, hey, there might be someone else I’d be happier with, we should take this slow so it isn’t such a blow to the other person, you know?” Explain how your past relationships have affected you, like, “I don’t want to repeat the disaster I had with John, where we rushed in and got way too serious way too fast before we really had a chance to get to know each other.”
Accept responsibility. Sometimes you want to slow things down even though you're the one who sped things up. If this is the case, don’t shy away from it. Admit to him that you got a little ahead of yourself. Apologize in case he feels led on or teased. Explain your change of heart in a way that assures him that you still want to move forward, just slower. For example: If you’re in high school, maybe you got swept up in having a serious boyfriend, but now graduation is coming, and you’re unsure of how that will affect things. Explain to him that you just want to be realistic about how your separate plans for college or work might change your relationship, and vice versa. If you’re the one who initiated sex early on, and now you want to ease up on that, assure him that it isn’t like you never want to do it again. You just want to focus on sharing other experiences so you both know that sex isn’t the only attraction between you. Maybe you’re the one who first broached the subject of moving in together, but now you’re having second thoughts. Tell him that you got swept away by your fantasies about the future, which isn’t fair to him. Explain that you need to rethink the idea with a more realistic expectation of what this would mean for your relationship.
Ask for his take on the situation. First, make sure he understood each point you’ve made. Listen closely to his responses for any signs that he mistook what you meant. If necessary, repeat yourself in no uncertain terms, and ask him to repeat what you said to be doubly sure. Then ask him point by point how he feels about your concerns and proposals. Let’s say that: You’ve suggested spending less time together during the week. Does he feel like this means you don’t want to see him at all? Or does he accept the idea that giving you more space might actually improve the strength of your relationship? You’ve told him that you’re not ready for sex. Does he consider sex an essential part of a relationship? Or does he appreciate taking your time and getting to know each other better? You’ve shared your discomfort about accepting labels like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” Does he take that to mean that you’re not interested in him at all? Or is he comfortable starting from a more casual starting point with less rigid expectations?
Make a plan together. Set ground rules for how to move forward. Restate what you definitely need in order to feel comfortable in this relationship. At the same time, listen to his wants and needs. Consider compromises if they seem reasonable to encourage the same attitude from him. Of course, it may become clear at this point that the best way to move forward is to part ways. If so, don’t consider this a failure on your part. You’ve thought long and hard about what you need from this relationship, so if he can’t agree to that, he was probably never the right guy for you, anyway.
Proving that You’re Still into Him
Build strong memories together. There’s nothing wrong with a quiet cup of coffee, but if you’re taking things slow, spice your dates up with more exciting stuff to do. Bond over activities that aren’t part of your normal routines. Don’t worry about proposing the wildest thing ever. Just focus on sharing experiences that both of you will enjoy and remember, like: Taking long hikes in parks neither of you have been to before. Going on a day trip to the beach, city, or some other out-of-town destination. Signing up for a murder-mystery dinner or scavenger hunt.
Show that you’re still interested. Maybe you asked to spend a little less time together, or to take a break from getting physical. Either way, let him know that this is a breather, not the end. When you’re together, give him clear signs that he still matters to you. For example: Ask how his day or week has been to show that you still want to know how life is treating him. Maintain strong eye-contact when you talk so he knows he has your full attention. Touch his hand, arm, or back when you laugh or hammer home the point of a story. Ask what he thought of a movie or concert as soon as you walk out of it so he knows that his opinion matters to you.
Drop him a line. Show him that you’re thinking about him even when you’re not together. Stick to your ground rules about how often you should text or email each other, but when you do, make it count. Include things like: An added thought or response about a conversation you had the last time you were together. A memory of some adventure or quiet moment you had that came back to you the other day. How you’re looking forward to your next date and what you hope to do.
Slowing Sex Down in the Heat of the Moment
Know your rights. Regardless of what the situation is, remember: you get to set your own boundaries. Don’t feel bullied or guilt-tripped into doing something that you don’t want to do. Honor yourself by recognizing that you aren’t obligated to go any farther than you want to. This could mean: Not engaging in sexual acts that you aren’t ready for. Not repeating acts that you’ve already performed and didn’t like. Taking a break from making out entirely. Insisting on specific conditions, like contraception or other safe-sex practices.
Be clear about your limits. Tell your boyfriend exactly what you’re willing and unwilling to do. It’s his responsibility to honor your wishes, so let him know what they are. Be firm about them and make it clear that there is no negotiating. Don’t feel like you can’t speak up once the two of you get started. It’s your right to slow things down at any time, whether that’s before or during your makeout session. Even if you thought you were game for something at the start, tell him right away if you change your mind as things move forward.
Explain your needs. Let him know why you feel the need to slow down, or why a certain act is a no-no. However, don’t feel obligated to do this. Remember: it’s his responsibility to ease off if you insist on it, with or without an explanation. With that said, keep in mind: Letting him know why you feel the way you do can help him better understand and respond to your needs. For instance, if you’re reluctant to get too heavy because of trust issues, he will now know that this is an area he needs to work on in general, and not just to get what he wants. If he’s really a stand-up guy, you could also ask him to help you slow things down if you have a tendency to let yourself get carried away in the moment, only to regret it later.
Ditch him if he refuses. Don’t tolerate his insistence on speeding back up if he ignores your demands. Whether you explained things in detail or simply said, “No,” part ways with him if he proves himself to be incapable of honoring your wishes. Even if you still like him, recognize that you would be better off with someone who is willing to match your own speed instead of insisting on his own. Don’t be afraid to call other people in for help if he refuses to listen. Keep your phone handy, or call for help if there are other people in or near the building. If you end up going along with his desires despite your own, don’t feel like this means you missed your opportunity to end things. Just because you went along with it once doesn’t mean you have to do it again.
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