What is shrekking?
Shrekking is dating someone you’re not initially attracted to so they’ll treat you well. Shrekking comes from the toxic belief that if you date someone who you believe is less attractive than you, they’ll treat you better because they’ll consider you to be a catch. This behavior has been common in the dating scene for decades, but the term is new, stemming from Shrek the Ogre’s supposedly “ugly” appearance (talk about hurtful!). The romance between Princess Fiona and Shrek the Ogre in the Shrek films inspired this term. Shrekking is also known as “dating down,” which is when you pick a partner who you think is less conventionally attractive in hopes of building a more authentic connection.
What does it mean to get shrekked?
Getting shrekked is when the “less attractive” person ends up hurting you. This pain can be the result of them breaking up with you, lying to you, or cheating on you. According to some, getting shrekked can be more frustrating than a standard breakup because you lowered your standards for someone, only to end up hurt. In reality, it’s a sign to date people based on their character and your compatibility, rather than just their level of attractiveness.
Why Shrekking is Toxic
Shrekking is toxic because it assigns superficial value to partners. The act of shrekking inherently relies on the belief that everyone has value tied to their looks (or money, job, social status, etc.). While looks do matter, relying on them as a determining factor for your relationship is toxic, even when you’re looking for someone you perceive as less attractive than you. In doing this, you’re valuing a person’s appearance over their character or your compatibility, which isn’t good. Shrekking also implies that you’re above your partner in the dating hierarchy, which is super hurtful. If they ever find out that you felt this way about them, it can make them feel like they’re not loved or valued by you. TikToker @notloq expressed how toxic shrekking is in a video posted on August 30, 2025. He said, “Imagine hearing your girlfriend being like ‘I was shrekking for a few months and that’s how I met you, the love of my life’...You just called me ugly!”
Why People Shrek Others
People shrek others because they want to be treated well. Although the act itself is toxic, the motivation stems from a desire to be treated well by one's partner. Depending on the person, being treated well may look different. Some may love shopping with their partner and going on vacations, while others just want love and company.
People shrek others because they’re focusing on superficial values. When dating, it’s easy to get wrapped up in a person’s perceived “value,” like how much money they have, what they do for a living, and their social status. While these things may be important factors in relationships, they don’t help with determining compatibility. Rather than focusing on that compatibility, people who shrek focus on value and status, putting their partner lower than themselves in that regard.
What to Do When You Get Shrekked
Give yourself time to process the grief of the breakup. Licensed marriage & family therapist Lia Huynh, LMFT, says that after a breakup, “You need time to process the grief, to miss your ex, to hate your ex, to regret, etc.” Give yourself time to process the emotions, because even if you were “dating down,” a breakup is still a breakup, and you need some time to heal.
Reconsider what you value in a relationship. Getting shrekked is a huge wakeup call. It lets you know that no matter a person’s perceived value or physical attractiveness (or lack thereof), they may end up hurting you, and that’s a lot more likely if you aren’t a match. Instead of continuing to look at a person’s appearance, consider your wants and needs in a relationship, and use those to determine what you’re looking for in a partner. According to certified dating and relationship coach Kimberly Hill, dating is about “really spending time with someone to assess whether or not there’s long-term compatibility.”
Consider taking a break from dating. If you’ve been searching for partners based on their looks and status rather than searching for someone you’re compatible with, that may be a sign that you need to reassess what you value in a relationship, and you can’t do that while actively dating (at least easily). Consider taking a break from dating, so you have time to figure out what it is you really want from a relationship.
Other Dating Terms
Sharking Sharking is when you intentionally hunt for a partner to hook up with, similar to how a shark hunts for prey (except you’re hunting for play). The term is typically used by men to refer to their search for hookups with women.
Catfishing Catfishing is when someone online uses photos or videos of another person to make them seem more attractive and desirable. It’s done to lure people in and attract others for various reasons, from a desire for connection to a desire to drain your bank account.
Reverse Catfishing Reverse catfishing is a trend on dating apps where you present yourself as less attractive and desirable than you actually are to find someone who’s genuine and likes you for who you are, not what you look like. It’s similar to shrekking in the sense that you’re keeping your true intentions from the people you’re dating, but the goals are pretty different.
Punching In dating, punching is when you date someone who’s more attractive than you. It’s like the opposite of shrekking; you’re punching up above your weight class, rather than punching down. This slang term is the most common in the United Kingdom.
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