How to Be Less Insecure

Improving Your Self-Esteem

Take stock of your strengths. It is quite common to discount our own strengths, talents, and abilities. But taking time to find and acknowledge your strengths will aid in increasing your self-esteem. Taking stock of your strengths can help you to use these in situations where you feel insecure as a little reminder of your worth and value. Write down your strengths in a journal. Write down what makes you feel strong and capable. What are you doing in these moments? What is happening that you are able to recognize your strength?

Make a “strength box” with reminders about your strengths. Start a strength box that you can go to when you are feeling “less-than.” Inside the box, include different pieces of paper with your strengths listed on them, or pictures or objects that remind you of your strengths. If you have a hard time coming up with your strengths on your own, ask your family and friends what they think your strengths are. An outside perspective can be helpful.

Try journaling about your feelings. Journaling is a tool you can use to organize your thoughts and feelings, as well as gain insight into moments or situations you feel insecure. Not only is journaling beneficial to emotional health, but it has been shown to improve immune health and reduce stress. Start by journaling for 10 to 20 minutes per day for stress relief and increased clarity on your insecurities. If you don’t know what to write about, start with these prompts: When do I notice feeling insecure? What is it about these moments that cause my feelings of insecurity to increase? How old is my insecurity? Has it always been there? When did it show up? How has it changed?

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Negative thoughts about yourself can deflate your self-esteem quickly and keep you feeling insecure about yourself. Put-downs, fear of failure, and other negative thinking will keep you feeling as though you are not enough. Start changing these mental habits to begin to build yourself up and increase your confidence. Here are some example of how you can begin to change how you think about yourself: Say you have a thought such as, “I don’t have anything interesting to say, so I can see why people think I’m pathetic.” Catch unkind thoughts like this and make a conscious effort to change these thoughts by correcting yourself. Tell yourself: “Sometimes I don’t have much to say, and that is okay. I don’t have to keep others entertained or take on the entire responsibility for this conversation.” Replace critical thoughts with productive thoughts. For example, here is a critical thought: “There is no way I am meeting everyone for dinner. Last time I went, I was so embarrassed at my off-topic comment. I am so stupid.” Replace this with a productive thought: “I was so embarrassed at the last dinner, but I know that I make mistakes and that is okay. I am not stupid. I just made an honest mistake.” As you practice catching these thoughts and changing them, you will notice that you self-esteem will increase along with your confidence.

Remember that your insecurity is invisible. Other people can’t see your insecurity because it’s not a visible characteristic. People won’t automatically recognize you as insecure if you don’t tell them. Keep this in mind as you approach new situations. If you are feeling insecure about attending a new school, for example, remember that your peers can’t see this aspect of you.

Putting Yourself First

Make yourself your priority. Focus on what you like and what you need. When you’re with friends, go to a restaurant that you want to try. See the movie you want to see. While you can’t always get your own way, you can certainly increase how much you direct the activity at hand.

Focus on what you have control over. Oftentimes, we feel insecure because we feel like we’re out of control, or that someone else is in charge. When you hyper-focus on what you can’t change, you risk increasing your insecurities. But when you focus on what you can control, you put yourself in charge of the situation. For example, you might feel insecure about how you dance when you go out with friends. Take charge of the situation by taking dance lessons. Or, if you feel insecure about how you look, consult with your hairdresser to get a new haircut that complements your face.

Avoid criticizing yourself. Thinking in a critical way about yourself will deplete your self-esteem and increase your feelings of insecurity. In fact, criticism of yourself and others has been linked to emotions such as anger and inadequacy. Because our thoughts influence how we are feeling, which then influences our behaviors, it is important to change critical thinking. Then you won’t promote feelings of insecurity, which can lead to changes in behaviors such as declining invitations to social events. Reframe negative thoughts about yourself. Say you tell yourself something like, "I can't believe I said that. I'm such an idiot." Be aware of what you're saying to yourself. Reframe your negative thought by saying, "Everyone makes mistakes. I am sure no one even noticed." Or, a negative thought might be: "I'm so ugly and overweight." Reframe this negative thought by saying, "My weight is healthy for my body frame. I have amazing eyes and great hair."

Don’t dwell on past mistakes. It’s tempting to replay an event or conversation and pick it apart, noticing all of your missteps. But this is an unproductive action. Move on from past mistakes and remember that every day is a new day where you can start with a clean slate. Chances are, no one is giving the conversation a second thought.

Stop trying to be a people-pleaser. When you feel insecure, you may have a tendency to put someone else’s needs before your own. You might rationalize this by thinking that the other person will like you better if you bend over backwards for him or her. But you are sacrificing your own happiness and instead causing yourself stress and anxiety. Will this other person recognize your effort? Does this person like you better? Is this person even thinking about you? Stop being a people-pleaser by prioritizing yourself first. Set boundaries with other people. Feel free to say no to requests, or set time limits so that you’re not overextending yourself.

Finding Support

Spend time with supportive people. When you feel insecure, it doesn’t help when you surround yourself with people who make you feel more insecure. Instead, spend time with friends and family who make you feel good about yourself. These people are supportive no matter what, and they don’t put conditions on your relationship.

Talk with a therapist. It can be helpful to talk with a mental health professional about your insecurities. This person can help you uncover reasons for your insecurities. He or she can also suggest strategies for coping with your insecurities. Find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This type of therapy addresses your patterns of thought, which therefore will improve how a person feels and behaves.

Find activities that you like to do. When you are enjoying yourself, you become less aware of your insecurities and more focused on your happiness. Find activities that are pleasing and fun for you. This might be a sport like surfing or skateboarding, or it might be a hobby like woodworking or bird-watching. You can create a safe space for yourself where you know that you’ll feel relief from your insecurities when you do this activity. If you can find people to join you in these activities, this might help you overcome some insecurities.

Soothing Your Anxieties

Try deep breathing techniques. Insecurity can sometimes cause feelings of anxiety and a related physiological response such as increased heart rate, increased breathing, and sweating. it is important to have ways to help reduce these responses. It’s especially important because these sensations can be uncomfortable and may actually make you feel more stressed. Controlling your breathing can trigger a calming response, signaling your body to begin to relax and slow breathing and heart rate. Take a full breath to a count of ten and ensure that you breath expands your abdomen. Hold it for five seconds and then exhale for five seconds. Be sure to take two normal breaths in between your deep diaphragm breathing.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a great tool to use when you are especially self-aware and feeling insecure. You might be noticing thoughts that you don’t look good enough, or aren’t smart enough, or don’t know what to say. In these situations, mindfulness can help you bring your mind away from these worries and criticisms, and help you focus on the present moment. Critical thoughts and worries about what others are thinking of you can produce negative emotions such as sadness or embarrassment, or nervousness. During nervousness or anxiety, the amount of adrenaline in the bloodstream increases, which increases your heart rate and blood pressure. This type of physical reaction may make you even more aware of how nervous you are, which may make you feel even more insecure. To help calm your nerves, worries, and critical thoughts, practice focusing on the present moment, while letting go of worries and criticisms. Letting go of your worries is not pushing them away with force, but it is actually letting your thoughts flow through your mind while noticing them without judgment. Let your worries float in and then out just as easily. Practice tuning into your senses and ask yourself what you hear, smell, or sense in your surroundings. Continue to practice being fully in the moment until you begin to relax. Research has shown that with time, practicing mindfulness can help you have more control over your emotions and help increase mental flexibility when dealing with change.

Relax your muscles through progressive muscle relaxation. You can access a calming response by using progressive muscle relaxation. This type of relaxation reduces muscle tension, sending a signal your body to begin relaxing. By tensing and then releasing the tension in your muscles, you can slowing bring your body back to a calm state. Tighten your muscles for six seconds and then release for six seconds. Pay close attention to how each muscle is relaxing. Work from your head to your toes until you feel your body begin to relax.

Distract yourself. If you notice that you are feeling insecure or worried about how you are being received, try to distract yourself from these thoughts. Distracting yourself with other tasks or a hobby can be a way to snap you out of thoughts and worries that promote insecurity. It can also help reduce the stress of the moment. If you are feeling insecure or worrying when you’re at home, try doing an activity such as reading, walking the dog, or cleaning the house. If you are in a social situation and you are feeling insecure, try going for a short walk, asking someone about their day, or reviewing the menu, or dancing – if that is appropriate. Any distraction to help get yourself “outside of your head” will help you focus on other things and not on your worries of being insecure.