Getting to Know a New Pen Pal
Choose an appropriate format for your letter. While there are no hard rules regarding how to structure your letters, many people choose to employ a three-part format. A well-written letter will have a greeting, a body paragraph (or paragraphs), and a closing. For example: Start your greeting or salutation at the top of the page with the words, “Dear [pen pal’s name].” Next, develop the body of the letter. This is where you'll communicate at length with your pen pal. It can be 2 to 5 paragraphs. Finish with a closing. It usually consists of a final paragraph and a signatory phrase like “Sincerely,” followed by your signature.
Reveal facts about yourself gradually over time. Introduce yourself in your first letter with the basics, like your hobbies and interests. Don’t reveal everything at once; you'll have plenty of time to share things as you grow closer. If you reveal too much at first, you won't have much to write about later. Be specific. Don’t say that you like "film, crafts, and exercise." Instead, say that you enjoy "Marvel movies, knitting and needlework, and riding your bike." As you get to know your pen pal better, you 'll get a sense for their interests and sense of humor. You'll also feel more comfortable expressing yourself.
Be cautious about what you share. If writing to a pen pal in prison, do not include self-incriminating information. Prison mail is screened carefully and you might get in trouble when prison staff discovers your secrets. If you are an undocumented immigrant, do not include this fact in your letters -- you never know who your pen pal is sharing their correspondence with. Information about your income or wages should also remain confidential. Do not share too much too soon, especially information that might give away your identity, like your full name and looks. If you don't feel comfortable with a stranger knowing your address, rent a PO box.
Ask lots of questions. Show an interest in your pen pal’s life. Ask questions about your pen pal’s work, hobbies, and family. Invite your pen pal to share their feelings on a variety of common interests. Develop a genuine curiosity about your pen pal and don’t be shy when writing. For instance, if they mention that they do track and field, ask how fast they can run, if they’ve ever participated in a relay race, and what the furthest distance they’ve ever run is.
Don’t be invasive. While you will have lots of questions about their life, you need to stay cognizant of their boundaries. If you’re writing to a pen pal overseas, they might assume a different level of familiarity and comfort with you than you do with them. It may be awkward for them to talk candidly about certain topics. If you sense some reticence on the part of your pen pal, avoid snooping into their habits and life. If your pen pal doesn’t answer certain questions, don’t ask them again and assume the topic is sensitive. If your pen pal insists on certain boundaries, respect them. For instance, if they don't want to talk about their sexuality or family life, don't insist on it. Similarly, don't feel obligated to talk about things you're not comfortable with. Let your pen pal know of any topics which you don't want to talk about.
Close your letter with a question. Instead of just saying goodbye and leaving it at that, ask a question in addition to your goodbye. This give them something to answer in their next letter. Rather than asking a random question, however, ask something that relates back to the topic of your letter. For example, if you wrote about how excited you are for summer, you might ask, “How about you? Do you like swimming, too? Hope to hear from you soon!” At the very end, skip 2 lines, then write “Sincerely,” “Take it easy,” or “Until next time.” Sign your name right under that.
Address your envelope, then send it out. Write your address in the upper left corner of the envelope, and your pen pal's address in the middle of the envelope. The address should consist of 3 lines. Your name (or your pen pal's name) goes on the first line. The street address goes on the second line, and the city, state, and zip code go on the final line. International letters may require additional lines for the country. Ask your post office for help, if needed. Don’t forget to add postage. It’s a good idea to take your letter to the post office the first time you send it out so that you know which stamps you need to mail it. If your pen pal lives the US, use forever stamps, which will cover the postage regardless of any changes in price.
Be patient when waiting for a reply. Your pen pal, like you, is a busy person. Don’t expect a reply overnight. Wait at least two weeks for a reply. If your pen pal doesn’t write back within two weeks, send them another letter or -- assuming you have their email address -- an email. Many people are used to instantaneous communication, like texting and phones, and consider writing letters as a waste of time. However, one of the virtues of writing letters is that it does take time and thus requires (and instills) patience.
Building Your Relationship With Your Pen Pal
Decide how committed you are to your pen pal. If you only want to write twice a month, let your pen pal know. Conversely, if you can write every week, or multiple times each week, tell your pen pal. There are no obligations regarding how often you should write, but whatever you decide, let your pen pal know up front so that they don’t expect more from you. If your pen pal is not as committed as you are, keep looking. Don't feel that you need to limit yourself to just one pen pal at a time. Similarly, if you can't keep up with your pen pal, consider finding one who is more patient or willing to wait for your replies.
Include a little present or gift. Lots of little things make great gifts for your pen pal. If your pen pal lives in another country, they might be interested in coins from your native country. You could also include recent articles you think your pen pal might find of interest, and reference them in the text of your letter. If you are very close to your pen pal and feel comfortable, you could send a photo of yourself doing a fun activity. If writing to a pen pal in prison, ask if they can receive certain items before sending them. Each prison sets its own guidelines regarding what is and isn't allowed. Decorate your letter. If you’re artistic, include little drawings or sketches to illustrate your text. Include stickers to add a personal touch.
Comment on what your pen pal writes. If, for instance, your pen pal comments that they started a new job, ask them in your reply how they like it, if their coworkers are kind, and so on. Take an interest in what they are going through. If your pen pal has questions, answer them. If there are any questions you don’t want to answer, tell your pen pal directly. Ask for photos of your pen pal’s pets, collections, and art.
Don’t treat your pen pal letters like a diary. Growing closer to your pen pal requires including personal feelings and experiences, but you should not offer a blow-by-blow account of your every waking hour since your last letter. Let the conversation between you and your pen pal develop naturally. Reference major events in your life, like attending a movie, getting an award at school, or learning a new skill. Add some thoughts and insight so that you don't sound like a reporter. For instance, instead of flatly stating, “I saw the new Captain America movie yesterday,” say, “I saw the new Captain America movie. I loved the characters, and the cinematography was the best in the series. You should check it out!”
Connect with your pen pal over common experiences. In your letters, comment upon things that your pen pal might also have experience with or opinions about, such as news stories or your work life. For instance, you could write, “I am really excited about Candidate X. I donated to her campaign and volunteered to go door-to-door on her behalf. How about you? Do you plan on voting?”
Talk to your pen pal online. Use social media like Facebook and Tumblr to connect more deeply with your pen pal. Staying in touch this way ensures your friendship blossoms during the interim between getting each other’s letters. Don’t let digital communication replace your letter-writing relationship. While modern forms of communication are great, they're no substitute for the joy which letter-writing provides.
Finding a Pen Pal
Consider why you want to write to a pen pal. Are you doing research on a certain topic? Practicing a foreign language? Learning more about life and culture in another land? Depending on your interests and purpose in writing to a pen pal, you will make different choices about who you opt to connect with. For instance, if you're interested in learning German, you should connect with a pen pal from Germany, Austria, or a German speaker in another country. If you're interested in learning more about Japan, you should identify pen pals in Japan who can share their insights into Japanese society.
Think about your own interests and background. If you’re interested in simply making a friend, it might be beneficial to write to someone with whom you share some common ground. Try to write to someone who is about your age and has similar interests. Find pen pals who you think are interesting and can connect with. For instance, if you're a 17-year-old punk rocker, you'll be unlikely to connect with a 45-year-old businessman. There are pen pal clubs that cater to specific groups, such as just college students or just teen girls. This can help you find a pen pal easier. Don't be afraid to write with someone different than you. For example, instead of finding another 17-year-old punk rocker, you could find a 16-year-old ballet dancer.
Use the web to find a pen pal. There are many forums and websites available which connect people to pen pals both at home and abroad. Pen Pal World, Penpals Now, and Letter Writers Alliance are just some of the many sites which facilitate letter writing connections. Some services require fees while others are free. Both can provide good pen pals, but check before you get too excited about the sign-up process.
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