- Blame shifting is when a person tries to dodge responsibility for their words or actions by assigning the blame to someone else
- Blame shifters often try to blame their actions on things other than people, too, like alcohol or drugs, or negative experiences in their own past.
- Often, blame shifters also try to make the other person feel responsible by claiming that they’re too sensitive or that other people agree with the blame shifter.
What is blame shifting?
Blame shifting is when someone skirts responsibility for their actions. More specifically, this person places that responsibility on someone else’s shoulders in order to avoid consequences. Everyone tries to shift the blame from time to time to avoid shame, but abusers and manipulators tend to consistently try to shift blame as a way to control others. Abusers often blame their victims for their own behavior as a way to maintain the power dynamic. Similarly, narcissists may try to dodge blame as a way to preserve their own status. Blame shifting tends to escalate arguments or disagreements, since the innocent party becomes flustered or frustrated, making it harder to resolve the issue, which is often what an abuser wants.
Types of Blame Shifting
Denial: Often, blame shifters try to minimize or even even deny that their hurtful actions ever occurred. If successful, this enables them to ignore their own behavior and continue doing it. Minimizing the damage: If blame shifters do acknowledge their behavior, they often try to downplay how serious it was, or claim that it didn’t actually lead to harm. Dodging the blame: Finally, once it’s undeniable that bad behavior occurred, blame shifters often try to pin the behavior on someone else, or claim that it’s not their fault, but the victim’s.
Examples of Blame Shifting
Blaming others for their bad behavior Chronic blame shifters often point to others as the cause for their mistakes, anger, or abuse. They might claim that they only did something in response to another person’s actions, or that they were forced to do it by someone else. The truth is that they just don’t want to own up to their choices. Examples: “I wouldn’t have gotten so angry if you just hadn’t disobeyed me.” “I only said that because my friend told me to.” “If you didn’t want me to do [X], then why did you [Y]?” Blaming their actions on alcohol or drugs While substances alter someone’s state of mind, that doesn’t automatically make them abusive. There are plenty of people who drink or use drugs and don’t become violent, hurtful, or irresponsible. Blaming substances is simply a convenient way to shift the blame. Examples: “You know how I get when I drink too much.” “I wasn’t thinking straight. I’d never do that when I’m sober.” “I can’t help what I do when I’m drunk/on drugs.” Claiming their actions are the result of a troubled past Chronic blame shifters sometimes bring up trauma in their own past to try to justify or redirect others’ anger. They’re hoping that your sympathy for their past trauma will override your frustration, or distract you from their responsibility. Rather than grow and learn from negative experiences, they wield them like weapons. Examples: “I can’t help getting angry. You know I’ve had bad experiences with [X].” “Sorry, I wasn’t taught any better, so it’s hard not to do that.” “I tend to lash out whenever I’m reminded of my past.” Pretending that their abuse was a sort of joke Often, people try to pass off their harmful behavior as an attempt at humor, especially when being racist, sexist, or prejudiced in some way. But for some, this is just another way to get away with saying or doing things that they know aren’t acceptable. Examples: “Oh come on, I’m just having fun.” “It’s comedy—it’s meant to be challenging.” “You know I don’t actually think that, I just said it to be funny.” Claiming the other person is too sensitive Oftentimes, serial abusers or manipulators tell their victims that they just can’t handle their behavior, usually because the victim is mentally weak. This makes the victim feel ashamed and as though they’re somehow lacking or at fault, rather than the one being harassed. Examples: “Why do you always have to be such a killjoy?” “It’s not my fault you can’t handle a joke.” “Ugh, you’re always so sensitive about things that don’t matter.” Justifying their actions with how much they care When dealing with manipulators, they may try to tell you that they only do what they do out of love, or that they’re trying to protect you. But someone who loves you would never knowingly and repeatedly try to control you like that. They might also claim that they know what’s best for you, hoping you’ll trust them enough to tolerate their actions. Examples: “I don’t like doing this, but I’m only watching out for you.” “You don’t understand now, but you’ll thank me later.” “I only said that because I love you and want what’s best for you.” Claiming that other people agree with them Blame shifters may recruit third parties to agree with them or side with them, usually by misrepresenting the conflict to the third party. Or, they might lie about how an authoritative person or group agrees with them to try to bolster their own argument, which can make their victim feel uncertain about their own position. Examples: “I talked to your mom about it and she agrees with me. Why can’t you?” “Look, I’m just doing what The Bible says I should do.” “Our coworkers all know that you’re the one in the wrong here, not me.”
Responding to a Blame Shifter
Create firm boundaries to avoid getting pulled into the blame game. Set boundaries to make it clear what kind of conversation you will or won’t have. The only way to win is not to play, so steer the conversation away from blame as soon as the subject comes up, and communicate in plain terms that you won’t engage with that aspect of the problem. For example, say, “I know that you care for me, but that doesn’t mean you can treat me this way. I want to solve this problem, but I can’t talk to you if you keep redirecting the conversation. Focus on the problem, rather than the blame. Once you wade into the turbulent waters of who’s responsible for what, it can be hard to get out, especially when talking to a blame shifter. Blame often leads to more blame, so when resolving conflicts with your partner or anyone else, focus on the issue and its solution rather than who did what. Instead of, “The apartment gets messy when you don’t clean up after yourself,” say, “I’m a bit uncomfortable with the mess right now, can we spend some time cleaning up?” Ask a good friend or family member for perspective. Find someone you trust—ideally someone with little connection to the manipulator—and explain the situation to them as best you can. Tell them how the conflict started and why, and what the blame-shifter said. When dealing with a blame shifter, it’s easy to become confused or not trust your own judgment, and a third party can help you get things straight. Say something like, “I’m having trouble untangling my feelings about a conflict. Can I tell you about it and ask your opinion?” Or, talk with a therapist about your situation, especially if it’s gone on for a while or has caused you significant harm. A therapist is professionally equipped to help you through this kind of issue. Walk away from the conversation, if necessary. Sometimes engaging with a blame shifter is a losing game. Their aim may be to “win” the argument by any means necessary, rather than actually work through the problem. If you find yourself getting frustrated or hurt, exit the conversation. If the problem continues, it may be that you need to cut off contact with that person altogether. If the problem occurs at work where you can’t avoid the person, ask your boss for a private chat and explain that, despite your efforts, you and the blame-shifter don’t work well together, and you’d like to work with other people, if possible.
When is blame-shifting abuse?
Blame-shifting is abuse when it’s done repeatedly, without remorse. Sometimes, blame-shifting isn't done intentionally to harm; for instance, people with ADHD are known to struggle with accidental blame-shifting. In these cases, healthy communication can solve the issue—we'll include tips on that below. But when a person does it repeatedly, using blame-shifting as a way to manipulate and gain power over you, it's emotional abuse. And that's never okay. In this case, try: Seeing a counselor: you could visit either a relationship or individual counselor. An expert is able to identify patterns of negative behavior and arm you with solutions to stop it. Or, visit TheHotline to receive emergency help. Leaving the relationship: as painful as it is, you deserve better from your partner. If you determine that your partner is purposefully manipulating you, it might be time to put your own emotional well-being first.
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