Weighing up your Friends' Pros and Cons
Think about who you are really closest to. Generally it is mutual affection, trust, loyalty, and acceptance that contribute most to our lasting friendships. So think carefully about which of your friends you feel most comfortable and relaxed around. Good friends are people who take you as you are, and like you for who you are. This support is key to mutually great friendships, so think about who you are really closest to, and can really talk to. A good friendship is balanced, with both people putting in about the same amount of effort and energy. If you're always rescuing someone or feel like you're constantly being needed, that's not a great sign. A good friend also grows and evolves with you, and isn't stuck in negative patterns.
Think about what you do together that you would miss. If you are going to choose one friend over the other, it's unlikely that your overlooked friend will still want to do things with you. If one of your favourite things is going to the movies with Sarah, then think carefully about whether you might actually be closer to her than you thought. Being relaxed around someone is a good indicator of a strong friendship.
Make a list of the things that annoy you about them. One practical way to measure up friendships is to write down a list of things that irritate you about somebody. This could be a cathartic exercise, but try not to get too carried away. If all the points seem fairly trivial then it indicates that you don’t have major differences. "Has an annoying laugh", is less significant than "always interrupts me", or "isn’t there when I need them". Compare the lists and mark the points you have written "serious" and "trivial" to get a clearer picture.
Make a list of the best things about them and your friendship. The more positive side to this list-making is writing up what you really like about your friends. Think about their personality, how they treat you, and what you do together. Don’t put down more superficial things, even if they have got a really cool haircut or a nice house. Compare the two lists and pick out the most significant things. "Accepts and likes me for who I am", "we always have loads of fun", and "completely trustworthy" are examples of excellent friendship indicators. If you write the positive list last, it will leave you with a warmer feeling about your friends.
Choosing When Pressed into Picking a Best Friend
Try to be neutral. If they are pressuring you to choose a "best friend", try to take a neutral stance. It’s not really fair of them to try to force you into choosing a best friend, and you don’t have to just because they say so. Say that you appreciate both of them and tell them why. Say something like, "I really like both of you, and don’t want to choose just one as a best friend". You can be specific and say what you like about each and try to point out what they like about each other at the same time. "Ella, I really like hanging out with you because you’re so laid back. Sally, you’re really funny and I like joking around with you." Point out that the three of you make a good combination and be positive.
Tell them how you feel. It can be awkward, but it’s best to try to explain your side of it. Of course it is hard for them to be fighting, but it’s not easy for you being stuck in the middle either. They should understand this, but they might be caught up in themselves and have not thought about how tough it is for you. Explain carefully and sympathetically that it’s no picnic for you. Say something like, "I know it’s hard for you, but it’s horrible for me to be stuck in middle of you. I want to be friends with both of you, and the whole situation is upsetting for me." Be patient and you might help them to put it all in perspective.
Avoid rushing into a decision. If you have tried to stay neutral and leave them to it, but they are still pushing you to choose, you may feel it is unavoidable. If you are going to choose, don’t rush into it. Think it over carefully and try to weigh up your options before you do anything. Use the steps in the first method, and ask yourself who makes you feel good about yourself. People who make us feel good about ourselves, and validated in who we are, are often those whom we will be good friends with for a long time.
Consider stepping back from both of them. This is a bold option, but you might feel you have no choice but to move away from them both. It’s possible that if they really pressure you, or are horrible to each other, that you might change your opinion about them. If they are pushy and mean you might decide that you don’t actually want to be friends with either of them. Don’t be afraid to tell them this. Some tough love might be enough to make them have a rethink. It takes courage to say no to this kind of peer pressure, especially from close friends, but if you think it’s the right to do, do it. Say something like, "I’m sorry, but you’re upsetting me by trying to make me choose." Or, "we’re not having any fun, so can we just move on?"
Choosing between Friends who have had a Fight
Be wary of putting yourself in the firing line. If your friends are fighting you will probably think you should intervene to try to calm everybody down. This could work, but be aware that your intervention might be interpreted as siding with one over the other, which will only make things worse. Once you are involved in the fight it’s hard to get back out of it again.
Work out how serious the fight was. If you think it might be something which blows over after a couple of weeks then it is good idea to just employ some stalling tactics. They might be really angry to start with and insist you pick a side, but remain neutral and don’t fan the flames. If you can be a voice of reason and de-escalate the tension then you might be able to help them return to being friends. This way you won’t have to choose one or the other!
Stay neutral, but don’t let them complain about each other to you. If you’re friends have fallen out and you are still spending time with them separately, don’t let a situation develop where you become the passive receiver of all their angst. You might find that one friend says something like "she’s so annoying, she never listens to me, and she’s so selfish". Don’t get involved in a yelling match, instead calmly say you disagree. You could say, "actually, I think she can be really kind, but nobody’s perfect all the time. If you think she’s really annoying, that’s too bad."
Don’t let it take over your life. It might seem like the most important thing in the world to the two protagonists, but you don’t have to let their falling out dominate your life. If you feel like this is what is happening, you should explain to them that it’s not fair and they are making you unhappy. Use neutral language, try not to take sides, but try to change the subject. Say something like, "I know you’re upset, but can’t we talk about something else? Maybe we could just go and do something fun and forget about it for a while." Politely but firmly change the subject if you have to. If you just get back to having fun together, the fight might start to seem a lot less important.
Think over everything that has happened. If it comes down to it and it is impossible for you to stay friends with both of them, it is a good idea to think about how they each reacted to the falling out. Ask yourself how they treated you, as well as each other. If you think one turned on the other, or one of them was especially pushy towards you, maybe this isn’t someone you want to be good friends with.
Understanding why you are Choosing
Determine why you are choosing between friends. You should make sure you are absolutely certain you understand what brought you to this point. There could be many possible reasons why you feel it is necessary to make a choice between friends, but the circumstances and context will most likely have an impact on how you approach it. Figuring this out at the start might mean you can find a way around choosing, and can reconcile the situation instead.
Know if it is only a short-term issue. It can happen that two friends have invited you to different events on the same day and you can only go to one. This could be a cause for friction, but needn’t lead to any serious falling out. It’s a good idea to go to the first event you were invited to. Explain to your other friend that you can’t go to her event, because you already promised you’d be somewhere else. Instead, offer a special day for just the two of you to make up for it.
Understand that friendships change over time. Knowing someone for years and years doesn’t always translate into a deep and lasting friendship. As you grow older you change in all sorts of ways and you may find that you don’t feel as close to someone as you used to. You can outgrow a friendship, so think about this and don’t blindly choose the person you have known the longest.
Have a chat with your parents. If you’re struggling to deal with all the stress from the situation, talk to your parents about it. They were young once too, and can give you some advice about how to deal with the situation. They will give you a fresh perspective which can be very useful. Be honest and direct with them, and they will respond in the same way. Bear in mind that your parents’ main concern will be you and your happiness and wellbeing. You could also talk to other friends about it, but be sure that you can speak in confidence.
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