Evaluating Your Relationship
Decide if you are both committed to saving the relationship. It is important that you are both committed to working together to renew the relationship and make it better than it was in the past. You can both verbally agree to do this as a way to show you are both invested in the relationship. If your partner is not certain about his desire to save the relationship, you may want to reconsider how much this relationship means to him. It may be difficult to save it if both of you are not committed.
Consider the reasons why you are still together with your partner. Before you embark on the rescue of your relationship, you should sit down and ask yourself what drew you initially to your partner and how these qualities have changed or shifted. Taking a moment to reevaluate your reasons for being with this person can remind you why you would like to stay together with him and work to renew your relationship. You and your partner can also do this together. Be willing to engage in constructive criticism and use “I” statements. For example: “I feel like we used to spend more time together. Now I feel we hardly see each other,” or, “I feel like one of the big things I love about you is your energy and zest for life. But I feel like lately you have been depressed and withdrawn.” Focus on the qualities of the person that you value and admire, and look at when or how these qualities became less prominent in relationship.
Lean on family and friends for perspective and advice. Sometimes it can be difficult to get perspective on your relationship, especially when you are so emotionally involved. Talk to close friends and family you trust and who know you and your partner well. Discuss some of the issues you may be having and ask if they have experienced similar issues or problems. They may be able to suggest certain tactics you can try to renew your relationship. Keep in mind that too many outside voices and opinions can end up cluttering your relationship and lead to assumptions or biases between you and your partner. Listen to the advice of others, but take it with a grain of salt. Remember that you will need to focus on communicating openly with your partner, rather than with others around you, to save your relationship from falling apart.
Improving Your Communication
Try to be calm and respectful when you communicate with your partner. It can be difficult to maintain a level of respect and emotional control when you are discussing issues or problems in your relationship with your partner. Approaching the conversation with care and respect for the other person will show that you want to try to make the relationship work. Avoid swearing or raising your voice at your partner as you discuss your relationship issues. Instead, try to be honest and clear about your feelings in a caring and loving way. Before speaking with your partner, use a calming technique to initiate your body's calming response. Deep breathing, meditation, or even exercising before you sit down tot talk can help you stay level-headed during a difficult conversation.
Be honest and specific about your feelings. To improve your communication with your partner, it’s important that you work to avoid potential misunderstandings or miscommunications. One way of doing this is by focusing on being clear, direct, and specific about your feelings and desires to your partner. If you feel your partner is neglecting your relationship, you should be honest and clear about how and why this troubles you. This could be as simple as saying, “I feel like we have not being seeing enough of each other lately and I miss being with you, just us.” You could then suggest that you go out for dinner for a romantic night just the two of you. Your intentions are clear to your partner and you can be assured that you are trying to communicate with your partner. As well, during a disagreement, try to focus on exactly what is making you angry or upset, rather than trying to discuss all of your issues at once. If you feel you are not spending enough time together, focus the discussion on ways that you can both see more of each other and set aside time for each other. If the disagreement is about household chores, such as taking out the garbage, focus the discussion by suggesting that you both look at why it’s important to take out the garbage. Avoid letting the discussion about the garbage be about how your partner doesn’t focus on household chores or how your partner is lazy or inconsiderate. Tackle one issue at a time so you are both not overwhelmed and the disagreement does not escalate to a shouting match.
Practice active listening. Active listening means listening and responding to someone in a way that improves mutual understanding. Instead of looking at conversations with your partner as competitions or battles to be won, think of conversations as learning opportunities and ways to understand more about where your partner is coming from. This will show you view conversations with your partner as a way to listen attentively to him, rather than speak at him or disregard what he has to say. To practice active listening, focus your attention on your partner and let your partner finish speaking without interruption. You should then repeat what your partner has said in your own words. Though you do not need to agree with what your partner said, this will show you understand what he said and are willing to discuss his points in a healthy exchange of feelings and thoughts, rather than in a shouting match.
Be willing to acknowledge your partner’s point of view. Actively listening to your partner is only one half of effective communication. The other half is validating your partner’s point of view, reflecting back his feelings, and discussing possible ways to resolve the conflict. This can be an open discussion where you both talk about ways you can adjust your routines or schedules to accommodate each other, or this could be a resolution to the conflict that you suggest and then discuss with your partner. The important thing is to show you respect your partner’s point of view and are willing to work with him to come up with possible solutions to the issue. For example, your partner may have an issue with you working long hours and not coming home until late at night. Once your partner has finished speaking, respond by saying, “What I’m hearing is that you would prefer if I came home earlier at night and did not work such long hours so we can spend more time together. I also want us to spend more time together. I have to work long hours because of this deadline coming up but I would like to take you out for dinner this weekend so we can have a night out together.” This response shows that you listened to what your partner had to say and came up with a way to resolve the conflict. You are taking responsibility for your actions and sympathizing with your partner’s perspective.
Seek therapy or counseling when necessary. Sometimes, it is necessary to go to a therapist or counselor to help unpack some of the emotions and feelings that are threatening to end your relationship. Look for a couples therapist or counselor that you can trust and feel comfortable being honest around. Often, the act of going to therapy together can be the first step to showing your commitment to saving the relationship. As well, you may consider going to therapy on your own if you are dealing with personal issues that may be affecting your relationship. Examining your own issues may help to release any anger, anxiety, or stress that you are bringing into your relationship with your partner.
Spending Quality Time Together
Come up with quality outings together. One of the major reasons why couples have issues is that one person feels the other person is not devoting enough time and energy in the relationship. Make time for your partner and make sure he makes time for you by sitting down and coming up with outings and activities you can do together. Focus on creating quality time, where you both have a chance to interact, talk, laugh, and work together in a fun way. This could be something as simple as a special night out at a nice restaurant or a hike together to your favorite outdoor spot. Try to incorporate activities that both of you enjoy doing and be willing to try new or different things together. This will keep the time you spend together exciting and engaging for you both.
Commit to a once a week date night. If you are both very busy with your individual careers and schedules, you may want to both choose one day a week that is your official date night. This means that no matter the work event or commitment, you are both only doing something together, alone, on that night. Having a set date night will make it easier to plan outings and activities and give you both a good sense of when you will get the chance to spend one on one time together. Once you agree to date night, avoid skipping or missing date night. Committing to this time means you are willing to put aside other possible activities for your partner and follow through on your agreed quality time together.
Surprise your partner with a unique date. If you are looking to get your partner more engaged in your relationship and renew your commitment to each other, plan a surprise date in a unique setting. This could be laser tag, bowling, or something more extreme, like a boat ride on the river or a dogsledding in the mountains. Think of a date idea that combines something your partner loves with something he may not expect or will be a pleasant surprise.
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