Talking About It
Think about what you want to say to your best friend before you talk. Take some time to think about what has made you upset and what you really want to say to your best friend before you talk to them. Thinking about why you’re fighting can help you clarify your feelings so you can better talk about them with your friend. It can also help you see if the fight you’re having is the result of emotions that got out of hand, which can be resolved with an honest discussion. Try coming up with an opening line to get the conversation started. For instance, you could say something like, “I just want you to know that I hate it when we fight like this.” Write down what you want to say to your best friend if you need to so you can organize your thoughts. Practice saying what you want to say to them in a mirror so you can see how you look and sound.
Ask them to talk to you alone and choose an intimate location. Take the initiative and start up the conversation about the fight with your best friend. Text, call, direct message, or ask them in person to meet up with you somewhere the two of you can talk privately so you can be honest and open about how you feel. A public location where you can find your own space, such as a coffee shop or a mall can be a great neutral space for you to talk. You could also choose a place that the two of you share happy memories, such as a restaurant you both like or a park where you’ve spent time together, to help keep the conversation positive.
Use a little bit of humor to ease the tension. Getting the conversation started can seem difficult because of the emotions and frustrations between you and your best friend. Cracking a joke or making an offhand comment that makes your friend laugh can ease the tension and help you both start talking about what caused the fight. For instance, you could start with something like irreverent to start the conversation like, “So what brings you here?” or “Well, this is awkward.”Tip: Tell an inside joke that only they would get to add a level of intimacy and make them laugh at the same time. For example, if you’re both fans of the TV show “The Office,” you could say something like, “We’re basically Jim and Dwight right now.”
Tell your best friend how fighting with them makes you feel. Be honest and open about your feelings with your friend. Let them know how you feel about what caused the fight and how fighting with them has made you feel. Your feelings are valid and you need to share them with your best friend so they can see how you’ve been affected. Try saying something like, “I feel sick knowing that you and I are fighting and I can’t come and talk to you about what’s bothering me. I want to fix this.” Even if the fight was caused by something you said or did, you still need to tell your friend how you feel about fighting with them so they know that you do care about them. Avoid making it all about yourself. Fights between best friends go both ways, and your friend’s feelings are probably hurt, too.
Listen to them when they tell you how they feel. It’s just as important that you listen to your best friend when they tell you how they feel about what started the fight and how your fight with them has made them feel. Let them speak and pay attention to what they’re saying when they talk so you can fully understand it and respond with your own thoughts and opinions. Try to see things from their perspective. You’re not the only one who is upset about the fight! You may not have all of the information about what caused the fight, so listen to your best friend when they tell you about it.
Working Things Out
Show your best friend how much they mean to you. Tell them how important they are to you and how much their friendship means to you. Remind them that your friendship is strong and is worth saving by telling them or giving them something that shows them why you love them. Give them something that shows them how important they are to you, like a memento that you’ve kept from them because you love them. Show them that you aren’t afraid to put yourself out there and tell them them something like, “Look, you’re my best friend. I love you! I don’t want it to be like this ever again.”
Use a mediator to help you resolve a fight with your best friend. Sometimes emotions can get in the way of a healthy resolution between you and your best friend. It can be helpful to have a third-party mediate your conversation so the two of you can work things out without getting overly emotional. For instance, you could ask a mutual friend to help you and your best friend talk things through. If you’re having a dispute with your best friend, and you both play on a team or work together, it can be helpful to have a coach, teammate, or coworker mediate. Use someone that you both relate to well so each party feels like they’re being heard and their complaints are valid.
Apologize to your best friend if you were wrong. Fights with friends can sometimes start because one party did something wrong and they’re too stubborn to apologize for it. If you think that you’re the one who may have initiated the fight, you need to apologize to your best friend to show them that you care. Try saying it directly. Say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Can you please forgive me?” Refusing to apologize will show them that you don’t care and may hurt them even more. Be sincere when you apologize so they know that you mean it.Tip: If your best friend apologizes to you for something they did or said that hurt you, be willing to accept their apology. It may not make your pain go away immediately, but you need to recognize that your friend is acknowledging that they were wrong and that they’re sorry.
Avoid mocking or teasing your best friend about the fight. If the two of you are able to work things out, don’t bring up the fight or the reasons that led to it. It may make your friend think that you weren’t sincere and it could spark the fight back up. Be kind and avoid the topic so you can both move on and get back to being best friends. Try to avoid triggers that start the fight back up. For instance, if you and your friend got into a fight because you accidentally broke something important to them, try not to bring it up. Making fun of your friend’s feelings will show them that you don’t care about how they feel and will make them upset.
Spending Time Apart from Your Best Friend
Spend some time alone to relax and take care of yourself. Take a break from people in general and practice some self-care. Listen to some music, read a good book, try a yoga class, or meditate by yourself. Spending time by yourself can allow you to think about your relationships as well as the fight you’re having with your best friend. Look through old photographs of you and your best friend to remind yourself of why you love them.
Hang out with other friends while you’re fighting with your best friend. Spend some time away from your best friend while you’re both frustrated and upset so you can both calm down. Use the opportunity to spend time with some of your other friends that you may not have seen in a while. Spending time with other friends can help remind you of how much you treasure your friendship with your best friend. Use the opportunity to spend more time with your family as well. However do not spend huge amounts of time with other people. This might make your best friend feel excluded and insecure. Make sure that you are not hurting her.
Avoid talking negatively about your best friend to other people. It may make you feel better in the moment to trash talk your friend to other people, but it isn’t healthy or kind to them. If you end up working things out with them, then you’ll regret having talked badly about them, and if they find out, it could really hurt their feelings and your relationship. You can easily move conversations with other people away from your fight with your best friend by saying something along the lines of, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Even if the fight was caused by your best friend, they may feel really sorry about it, so don’t mock or ridicule them to other people. Don’t discuss your fight with nosy people. It can only cause trouble.Tip: Venting to mutual friends about your frustrations can be healthy, but you shouldn’t insult or be mean when you discuss your fight with your best friend.
Hit the gym to sweat out your frustrations. Exercise can help relieve tension, give you time to think about your fight with your best friend, and work out your emotions. You’ll also have a surge of endorphins, which will make you feel better afterward. If you find yourself frustrated and unable to think, go to the gym or do an exercise routine at home to clear your head. Go for a nice run or just take a walk around the area to get your body moving. Take a bike ride in a scenic location such as around a lake or through a park.
Decide whether your friendship is worth saving after you’ve had time to think. Spending time apart from your best friend will allow you to reflect on your relationship with them. Sometimes, a big fight can show you that you and your friend do not have a positive, healthy relationship. But, a big fight can also show you how much you care about them and how important their friendship is to you as well. If you feel the friendship was toxic, it may be healthier for you to part ways with your best friend. EXPERT TIP Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008. Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Take a step back and ask yourself, "Is this a friendship that's working? Are we helping each other? Is this friendship one-sided?" Spending time on a friendship that's going downhill actually doesn't serve you. Don't invest time in a friendship that isn't good for you.
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